Crossing the Line

I strode into the lab and wasn’t surprised by the ten or so men in full combat gear pointing their automatic weapons at my new patient.

“At ease,” I commanded them as I walked through their circle but none obeyed.

“Ma’am, we’ve been ordered to-“

“I don’t care, you will do as I say. Lower your weapons,” I insisted, the leader who had spoke up looking to his teammates before nodding.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” the man in the chair asked and I turned my focus to him, getting my first glimpse of the renown Winter Soldier in the flesh. He was shirtless, revealing his robotic left arm stamped with a red star, and was hunched forwards as he analysed his new doctor. “Didn’t you hear what happened to the last scientist who tried to fix me?”

I didn’t falter and instead took a seat next to him, not intimidated by the fact that he had murdered the last person to sit in the chair.

“Of course I did, but you’re not going to do that to me,” I replied, the soldier’s eyebrows crinkling a little with surprise from my confidence.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because you’re going to trust me, and I’m going to trust you. It’s that simple,” I justified and his eyes narrowed.

“You’re going to do whatever you please to me, and then you’re going to wipe my brain and implant a new mission. I might not even remember you,” he retorted and I smirked.

“We’ll see,” I said, hopeful that my method would be better than the previous scientist’s. That was the main reason I had accepted the job: to try out my new tech, though the salary boost was a nice bonus. “My name is Alice. Do you have a name?”

The man paused, his face darkening a few moments later.

“I’m the Winter Soldier,” he answered, seemingly frustrated with how he was unable to conjure a proper name.

“Tell me about your last mission, Winter Soldier,” I prompted and he looked away from me to delve into what little memory he had access to.

“My last mission was to assassinate Craig Griffin during his visit to Toronto’s new weapons bunker,” he replied and I lifted the top sheet on my clipboard to check that he was correct, which he was.

“Were you successful?” I asked, already looking at the green print that told me so.

“Yes,” the Winter Soldier stated blankly.

“Were you injured?”

“No.”

“How did killing Craig make you feel?” I continued and he directed his glare back to me.

“I don’t feel,” he said.

I felt a pang of sympathy, unable to imagine what it must be like to live so numbly, and I shoved my hands into my white lab coat’s pockets to try to shake the uncomfortableness from me.

“Did you experience any technical difficulties?” I asked as I stood and crossed to his other side to inspect his robotic arm.

“No.”

“I will need to run diagnostics anyway, as a routine check,” I muttered, uncertain if he wanted to hear what I was going to do or not. He remained quiet as I fired up the machine next to him and downloaded my own software onto it, running both that and the usual programmes to ensure that his arm was functioning properly. “Can you tell me anything about what happened before you became the Winter Soldier?” Cold blue eyes darted around beneath his brown locks and eventually his jaw clenched, his posture also signalling to me his annoyance at himself for failing to remember things.

“No… And it doesn’t get any easier to try to think back, so you people can stop asking me,” he answered with a growl in his tone.

“All right, it’s time to move on to the wipe now,” I said after spotting the green lights on the screen that indicated his arm was in working order. It was good to know that he was currently unable to think back to who he used to be, as I was aware that there had been issues in the past caused by him recalling his true identity, but I also found it disheartening. This man, James Barnes according to the file, must be living such a difficult life, and I wanted to try to make it easier for him while still making my own living.

As I readied the machines, altering the procedure to test my new process, the Winter Soldier slid the mouthpiece into a comfortable position in his mouth and then leaned back in the chair. While waiting for the machines to ready themselves, I reached over and strapped his arm down, then disengaged his robotic arm. He rested his head near the brainwashing instruments and followed me with his eyes as I walked back to the main computer. His gaze was unfaltering, unblinking, but I was determined to not let him unsettle me.

I hit the button to engage the process and the components swivelled around to take place on either side of the man’s head. I stared into his pale blue eyes as the machine clicked, a second later the pulses beginning.

He cried out in agony. His human arm clenched and his torso contracted in a manner that was almost violent. His reaction was far worse than my other subjects, but this was the first time I was performing such extensive work on someone’s brain. Though a part of me felt horrible for causing him to endure this, the scientist inside me was eager to see the results come to light. I kept on watching, noticing that occasionally his eyes would scrunch closed, from what I assumed was pure pain, but otherwise they kept their focus on me.

And I couldn’t have been more intrigued.

“Hello,” I said as I entered the lab a month later. The Winter Soldier had been put in stasis after our first meeting and now he had returned to my care after another mission. The man lifted his head, which had been staring at his feet as he patiently sat awaiting me, and his eyes rested on mine, a sense of warmth entering them.

“Hello,” he replied, his voice void of emotion.

“Do you remember me?” I asked, hopeful as I had seen what I thought was recognition just moments ago.

He paused.

“No.”

His voice seemed hesitant, and I made a mental note that it was possible he was lying, despite programming that was supposed to make him honest to his superiors.

“My name is Alice. Do you have a name?” I began repeating the same script I had during our last encounter and he tilted his head slightly to the left.

“I’m the Winter Soldier,” he answered just like last time, though now he had a sense of uncertainty about him. I smiled, realising that he knew something was off.

“Tell me about your last mission, Winter Soldier,” I said and this time he didn’t look away from me to recall the events.

“My last mission was to lead a Hydra force to destroy a SHIELD base in Nebraska,” he answered and I double-checked that against the file in my hands.

“And were you successful?”

“Yes.”

My stomach sank as he regressed back to the monotonous man he had been during our first meeting. The repetition was supposed to help, but perhaps I was asking too much from him for our second session.

“Were you injured?” I continued after a quick inhale and he hesitated.

“A little,” he confessed, lowering his gaze as though he was ashamed.

“Tell me,” I encouraged him and he reached down, the guards suddenly raising their weapons and causing him to stop.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped at them and they slowly lowered their aim.

The Winter Soldier looked hesitantly at me, still cautious of the guards.

“Go on, I trust you,” I told him with a smile. That convinced him to continue his actions and simply lift the bottom of his black pants to show me the gash on his left calf.

“Shrapnel…” he murmured. “From an explosion.”

I rose from my chair and went to a cupboard, removing my first aid kit and crouching before the Winter Soldier.

“This will sting,” I informed him before pressing a cloth damp with disinfectant onto the wound. I glanced up but his face showed no recognition of the pain he should have been experiencing.

“How did killing SHIELD agents make you feel?” I asked as I pulled out some wound dressing to patch him up with.

“I don’t feel,” he answered and I nodded, still expecting that answer from him.

“Did you experience any technical difficulties?”

“My arm is fine.”

I finished covering his wound and began running the diagnostics on his arm before packing away the first aid kit. His eyes lingered on me again, and I wished I could know what he was thinking about. Was he able to recognise me? Was he struggling mentally? Or was that just how he acted, perhaps a method of unnerving the people who tended him?

“Can you tell me anything about what happened before you became the Winter Soldier?” I questioned.

His face fell. He was clearly concentrating, but instead of giving up after a few moments, the Winter Soldier continued to think for almost a minute.

“No…” he breathed, shaking his head to prove his point before leaning back in the chair. “Is it time for my wipe now?” My eyes widened, surprised that he had remembered that the wipe followed that question. Perhaps he was progressing quickly after all.

“It is. Please prepare yourself,” I confirmed and he did as he was told.

Once again I initiated the brainwashing process and found that blue eyes were staring at me the whole time, leaving me speechless and interested in what was going on inside his mind.

As I entered the lab I was disappointed to see that the Hydra guards had their weapons raised once again.

“At ease, damn it,” I growled.

“He’s enraged,” one of the guards replied and I frowned, pushing past the man to see the Winter Soldier hunched in his chair, gripping his hands together. His body was so tense I immediately understood why the men were scared, but I couldn’t have them break the trust I was forming with the Winter Soldier. It was crucial to my process.

“I said, stand down,” I insisted. “Do you seriously think pointing guns at his head is going to help calm him?”

That statement convinced them to back off, and I took my seat at the soldier’s side.

“Hello,” I said softly. I stared at him as I waited for a response, his face obscured by his dangling brown hair, and after a few moments I opened my mouth to repeat the greeting.

His hand shot out and gripped my forearm, causing the guards to step forwards and aim at him. I rose my other hand, signalling them to halt and they thankfully did. The Winter Soldier slowly turned his head and met my eyes, his grip loosening and eventually releasing. I smiled, guessing that the reason why he had done that was because he recognised me despite the wipe.

“Hello,” he replied, voice scarce and lost eyes blinking with confusion.

“My name is Alice. Do you have a name?” I questioned as the guards stepped back into position. The Winter Soldier hesitated, briefly glancing up at the guards and then leaning in towards me.

“Is my name Bucky?” he asked and I raised my eyebrows.

“I don’t know, is it?”

He frowned, even more puzzled by my response.

“I was called Bucky today,” he told me, keeping his voice hushed.

“Why don’t you tell me about that, then? Tell me about your last mission, Winter Soldier,” I suggested and his lips parted a little at my final two words.

“Winter Soldier… Winter Soldier…” he repeated under his breath as his eyes darted around as though searching the ground for answers.

“You can tell me anything,” I said in attempt to refocus him and his gaze wandered back to my face.

“My last mission was to destroy Black Widow and… and Captain America,” he answered and I nodded, glad that he was back on track.

“Were you successful?” I questioned and his hand suddenly wrapped around my wrist again. The guards were hesitant and I gave them a nod to prove that I was fine and didn’t require any intervention yet.

“I failed,” he breathed, gripping my wrist tighter but fortunately not hurting me despite having the strength to. “Alice, I failed.”

His eyes were pleading, as though he expected me to fix his problem. I decided to continue through my routine questions, eager to see how much he had progressed with his recollection.

“Were you injured?”

“Was I? I don’t remember,” he whispered, eyes falling to look himself over. He appeared so innocent, so weak, but I knew I was helping, I just needed a few more sessions with him.

“It’s okay,” I said as softly as possible, but I doubted that I was calming him much. Instead I placed my other hand atop his to comfort him and his grip on my wrist slackened considerably.

“How did hurting those people make you feel?” I questioned, noticing how he was staring at our hands.

“I- I don’t know…” he mumbled before his face scrunched with bewilderment. “He called me Bucky… Am I Bucky? Who is Bucky?”

He looked to me for answers but I remained silent, refusing to give them to him. It wasn’t my place to say; he had to figure it out himself. But I felt confident that he wasn’t far off from piecing things together.

“Did you experience any technical difficulties?” I continued.

“No. Who is Bucky?” he asked, begging me with blue eyes that had lost their cold aspect.

“Can you tell me anything about what happened before you became the Winter Soldier?” I pressed further, sticking to the series of questions I had prepared for his sessions.

Moments later his eyes lit up.

“Bucky,” he said to me with more conviction and I gave a nod of encouragement.

“Go on,” I said.

“Bucky,” he repeated, as though he was tasting the word as he searched his mind for more information, and then the door to my lab flung open.

“Detain him in the chair!” my supervisor Hugh shouted as he marched straight towards me. The guards rushed in and tore our hands apart, flinging the Winter Soldier into the back of his chair and quickly incapacitating his arm so he could be strapped in.

“Sir,” I addressed Hugh, knowing I wouldn’t have to question him to receive his justification for barging in. I placed my hands in my lab coat’s pockets to hide my fingers as I anxiously fiddled them.

“The people upstairs are concerned that you are trying to make him remember,” Hugh commented as the Winter Soldier’s struggling cries were muffled by a guard shoving his mouthpiece in.

“I am trying to help him, not undo what has been put in his mind,” I clarified.

Hugh crossed his arms.

“It doesn’t matter what you think you’re doing, because they’re not pleased. They chose you to fill this job vacancy for a reason, and it wasn’t to take out one of Hydra’s best assets!” he shouted and I diverted my gaze to the Winter Soldier as he writhed in the chair. “It’s dangerous territory, Alice. Don’t cross the line.”

“Got it, sir,” I replied with a nod. Satisfied, Hugh turned to leave and the guards walked back to their positions.

“One other thing,” I called out and Hugh looked over his shoulder, a mere few steps in front of me. “Is, or was, his nickname Bucky?”

Hugh hesitated and hence gave me the answer without speaking, and I resisted the urge to grin.

“Yes. But make him forget that,” he ordered and this time I let him leave.

I then initiated the computer’s preparations for the wipe and the Winter Soldier suddenly spat out the mouthpiece, yelling with anger.

I stepped over to the mouthpiece and picked it up before standing at his side, watching as he was seemingly soothed by my presence. I showed him the mouthpiece, hoping he would accept it. His lips parted so I took a step closer to put it back in.

“Help me,” he breathed before I slipped it back inside his mouth. He rearranged it himself into a more comfortable position, clearly having accepted that he wasn’t leaving the chair.

“Trust me, you’re not that helpless,” I whispered before giving a weak smile, proud of myself as well as him. “Help yourself, Bucky.”

And then I erased his memory.

My stomach was tossing with anxiety and my feet were heavy, reluctant to take myself to my lab to meet with the Winter Soldier again. But I had to wipe all signs of fear and worry from my face, from my posture, and not raise suspicion. If Hugh was already concerned, then no doubt the bosses higher up in Hydra were keeping eyes and ears on me today, which was unsettling to say the least.

I entered the lab with my head held high, but it soon fell as I noticed the bruised cut beneath the Winter Soldier’s eye and another graze on his right forearm. It took a lot to resist the urge to cry out for answers about what had happened, but I managed to keep a calm composure.

“Hello,” I addressed him, his eyes already trained on me with determination and a hint of anger.

“Hello,” he said through gritted teeth, which didn’t help my anxiety. Nonetheless I took my seat and gave him a smile.

“Alice, would you say that you’re a prepared woman?” the Winter Soldier asked in a voice so scarce I could barely hear him.

My eyes widened and my chin slowly tilted upwards, fear of the unknown setting in.

“Yes,” I breathed.

“Do you trust me?”

I gulped. There was no way I could say no and break the foundation of our bond, but I honestly felt as though I could trust him.

“Yes…”

In one clean swoop, the Winter Soldier leapt to his feet and curled his arm of flesh around my back. I was hoisted to the side as he attacked the closest guard with his robotic arm, rendering him either unconscious or dead, and providing himself with a gun. He then spun around to face the other guards, heaving me in front of his bare chest as a shield.

“Don’t even think about it,” he snarled before stepping forwards, heading for the exit.

“Drop your weapons, please!” I called out to the guards and they agreed to do my bidding. They shifted out of the way, the Winter Soldier lifting another gun from the floor before leaving the room. He kicked the door shut and then let go of me to slam a desk against the door.

“I apologise, Alice,” he said as he swung one of the guns across his shoulder to sit on his back, positioning the other in his hands in a manner that proved that handling weapons was second nature for him. “I need to leave this place, and I needed a way out of that room.”

“You’re going to need a way out of other rooms, too,” I pointed out and the corners of his lips tugged upwards.

“Will they yield to save you?” he questioned and I shrugged.

“Some will. If you can make it to the fire escape in the east wing, you should be able to sneak out undetected. They’re renovating a lot of rooms there, so there won’t be any patrols,” I informed him and then took a somewhat hesitant step closer. “I need to escape too. I’ve crossed a line and they will blame this all on me and kill me if I stay.”

“You might die if I take you,” he countered but I shook my head.

“I’ll take that risk.”

He nodded, accepting my answer.

“Which way is east?” he asked and I gestured down the hall. We ran towards the abandoned wing and were able to push our way past wandering scientists and their frightened assistants with ease, only running into a spot of trouble when a patrol finally caught up to us only a few corners away from the east wing’s door.

“Don’t shoot or I’ll kill her!” the Winter Soldier called out and I faked a struggle against his strong arm that was pressed against my chest.

My heart thudded beneath my ribs as the pair of guards considered their options.

Their answer was given by a pair of bullets slamming into my chest. I exhaled, stunned by the force, and the Winter Soldier let loose his fire and quickly took down the guards. He lifted me into his arms and scurried down the hall until he slammed through the east wing’s entrance.

“Alice? Are you all right?” he asked, clearly panicked as he set me down against the door.

“That hurt more than I thought it would,” I confessed. He tore open my lab coat and then scrunched his face as he failed to spot any blood staining my purple shirt.

“I don’t…” he began before looking up to meet my eyes.

“Bullet proof vest,” I clarified.

He visibly relaxed and exhaled.

“You asked if I was prepared,” I remarked with a grin and he pulled me to my feet.

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” he proposed and we ran down the corridor to the fire exit and our freedom.

“Is this far enough yet?” I asked as I stopped running to catch my breath yet again. We had just rounded a corner of a concrete fence and the rain had fortunately calmed into a light drizzle. The Winter Soldier halted and doubled back to check the area behind us, which was quiet as far as I could tell. But it was the middle of the night, and for all I knew there were Hydra soldiers lurking in the shadows.

“I think so,” he said so I leaned against the cold wall and began enjoying the way it sucked the heat from my feverish body.

We met eyes and smiled at each other.

“How are you?” he asked and I chuckled.

“Considering I’m still alive, I’m great,” I replied. “Thank you, Winter Soldier.”

“No, thank you. You helped me remember who I am, you broke the barrier they put in my mind,” he said with obvious relief. “And my name is Bucky, I know that now.”

“Well Bucky, you’re more than welcome,” I grinned.

“Why did you help me? You worked for Hydra, you should have been ensuring I functioned properly as their soldier,” he wondered and I ran a hand over my face, pushing aside wet strands of hair that were sticking to my cheek.

“I wanted to help you,” I admitted with a shrug, only to receive a puzzled expression from Bucky. “I help all of my patients. I’m nice like that.” Since I was never a strong believer in Hydra’s grand schemes, it was easy to detach myself from them and provide aid to those who needed it.

“I will be forever indebted to you,” Bucky said, his voice so sweet it reminded me of why I did my best to help people: because the reward was always worth it.

He rolled his robotic shoulder, testing his movements then running his other hand down the metal that shone even brighter now that it was wet. My eyes wandered to his torso which was still bare and also dripping from the rain we had been running in, but I quickly reminded myself to focus on his arm.

“Is it okay?” I questioned and he shrugged.

“I don’t know… I haven’t been in rain since I was given the arm,” he confessed and I gestured for him to come closer, and he did. “That was… sometime in ninety forty…”

He trailed off as I pulled open a slot near his armpit, revealing some circuitry that was definitely still functioning.

“Doesn’t matter,” he finished, resting his hand on the wall behind me as I double-checked that no crucial wires were harmed. “I’m glad I’m free again. That’s the main thing.”

“I agree,” I said before sliding the silver plate back into place. “I think everything’s working fine.”

“That’s good.”

Silence followed as we stared at each other, making me aware of how close he was and that he hadn’t lowered his arm yet. I was cornered against the wall by an assassin, and yet I didn’t feel threatened at all.

“What are you going to do next? Is there somewhere safe you can go?” I asked as the rain began to pick up again.

“I need to find Steve. He’s the only one who can clear my name,” Bucky said and I gave a tiny smile, pleased that he had hope his actions could be undone. “And you?”

“No idea,” I admitted with a wince, but I knew I would figure something out.

“How about getting out of this rain?” he suggested and I laughed.

“That sounds like a good plan.”

Bucky pushed off the wall and we walked side by side until we found what appeared to be an abandoned apartment on the first story of a rundown brick building. He broke in and helped me through the window connected to the fire escape ladder, just before the rain turned into a torrent.

We got to work, rummaging around the deserted place for what little was left behind, and I presented Bucky with a small stack of unloved books that he turned into a small fire with the help of a few other items he had found and broken.

“It’s not much,” he commented as he leaned back from the flames.

“It’s much better than nothing,” I countered, glad that the room now had a chance of heating up.

“I don’t even mind the cold, really. I feel alive,” Bucky stated and I glanced over at him, remembering that he was only sporting a pair of pants.

“You’re cold? You should put something on!” I exclaimed with a quick look around the bare room, not spotting any stray items of clothing. Instead I reached to my shirt to remove and offer it, but hesitated as it sunk in that he would never be able to fit into my shirt without ripping it like the Hulk.

“I told you, I’m fine,” he repeated before giving a grin. “Thank you, though.”

I smiled across at him.

“You’re welcome,” I breathed, uncertain of what else to say. A drop of water trickled down the side of his face, stemming from his hair, and as it hovered on the edge of his jaw I became aware of my lingering gaze.

I looked up to see if Bucky had noticed.

His eyes had been watching my lips, and now they flicked up to meet my gaze, questioning and uncertain. I was hesitant too, not sure what I felt for him and why; was it because he had been a patient, or perhaps because he had just saved my life? Either way I felt compelled to test the waters, so I leaned in a little to see how Bucky would react. He closed the rest of the distance between us to softly place his lips on mine, a gesture that felt as though it took all of the breath out of me.

We both parted for a brief second before moving in again at the same time. Glad that we were on the same page, I almost broke the following kisses with a smile, but it quickly disappeared when Bucky wrapped his arm around me. I trailed my hand down his chest and then shifted it to his back, pulling him in closer and he took the hint and gently pushed me down on the floor.

It didn’t take much to remove what little clothing we still had, even though everything was drenched and sticky. Once our raw passion became too uncomfortable for the squeaky floor boards, Bucky hoisted me against the wall and before long we both found ourselves in a shivering mess of ecstasy.

We then laid by the fire in each other’s arms, now dry from the rain and surprisingly rather warm. Although I was naked in an unlocked room on the run from a powerful organisation, because of Bucky I had never felt safer.

While shifting positions slightly, my hand caressed his cold metal arm. Its inhumanness was silenced by the beating of his heart in my ear and that allowed me to relax into a peaceful sleep.

We had been standing together in the hallway, staring at the same plain wooden door, for a good ten minutes in silence. The only faint sounds came from Bucky, and they were short puffs as he exhaled from nervousness. His hand fidgeted with my own, typically running fingers over mine but occasionally giving my hand a good squeeze before loosening his grip. Bucky’s eyes were full of worry, hidden beneath his long hair that I knew he was attempting to use as a shield for his emotions, and heavy eyebrows that were angled down as he experienced such mental distress.

I was even beginning to wonder if this task was worse than the brainwashing I had done to him. Despite the way Bucky and I had connected on our journey as we fled from Hydra, I couldn’t help but wonder if he held any resentment for my actions. It should have been an unforgivable deed, but I think that because my actions had ultimately led to him remembering who he was, that had instead given him something to hold onto, something to get him through the challenging days. We were both hopeful that we had tracked down someone else who could help, if only Bucky would knock on his door.

“You can do it,” I stated in a hushed voice and he applied pressure to my hand once again. “I can’t even begin to imagine what this is like, but you have to do it. You’ve come so far; don’t let that go to waste.”

Bucky seemed to be chewing over my words but after a few moments he still failed to move. I stepped forwards and pulled out of his grasp, knocking on the door before he could reach out and pull me back. As Bucky tugged me away from the door and back to his side, he had a glare that could have killed, but the creases across his skin quickly faded and his blue eyes warmed.

They then pulled away from my gaze at the sound of the door opening. It revealed Steve, the man most knew as Captain America, but Bucky had told me about their history and I understood how much Steve meant to him.

“Bucky…” Steve said with astonishment. I smiled and looked up at Bucky, surprised to see a stunned expression. He couldn’t speak, let alone move.

Steve began slowly reaching for something hidden by the half open door and I noticed Bucky’s forehead crease with heartbreak as his best friend didn’t trust him.

“Please, don’t. We’re unarmed,” I blurted and Steve paused, looking to Bucky for answers.

“Steve, it wasn’t me who did those things. I was brainwashed to be Hydra’s soldier, and Alice here-” Bucky gripped my hand, “- she’s a scientist, she helped me get my memories back.”

Bucky stopped talking, becoming choked up.

“I need help, buddy, please…”

I felt tears welling in my own eyes as Bucky emotionally pleaded for forgiveness and aid.

“Of course,” Steve finally replied before opening the door further to invite us in. “You know I’m with you ’til the end of the line.”