The Support Group

DAN: Alright, everyone, settle down, settle down. I need y'all to be quiet while I take attendence. Sally?

SALLY: Yessir?

DAN: Are you present?

SALLY: No, sir, I'm not a present, I'm a human being.

DAN: No, are you present? Meaning are you with us?

SALLY: I'm sane, yes.

DAN: Alright. And why are you with us?

SALLY: Because I'm sane, remember? I just said that. And I didn't come to this stupid meeting so you could question my sanity, I came to talk about my brother Isaac, who offended me when he confessed to being gay.

DAN: Ok, that's nice. Moving on then. Billy Bob? Are you here?

BILLY BOB: 'Course I'm here, dumb ass! I'm fuckin' sittin' right in front of ya!

DAN: I know you are, but I didn't know you were Billy Bob-

BILLY BOB: Well, you need to stop being a pussy and man up!

DAN: Wait, what? What does that have to do with... you know what, never mind. *mumbles* Fucking idiot.

BILLY BOB: Don't fucking swear. It's disrespectful.

DAN: But you just-

BILLY BOB: *Hits Dan with Bible* Don't question your elders! We're wiser than you, sonny!

DAN: Ow!-

BILLY BOB: Deal with it sissy!

DAN: *sighs* Whatever. Why are you here?

BILLY BOB: To talk about how homosexuals is gonna blow up the planet Earth.

DAN: Right. Okay, is Lexy here?

LEXY: Yeah! I'm here and totally ready to kill some faggots!

DAN: Lexy, we're not going to murder anyone here. We're going to tell gays we love them and we want to help them be straight, but we won't kill them.

LEXY: Fine, whatever. *Puts knife in pocket reluctantly.*

DAN: Charlie? Are you here?

CHARLIE: I'm here and ready to repent.

DAN: So you are a homosexual?

CHARLIE: Yes, I like my own species.

DAN: Well, I can understand where you're coming from but women aren't another species.

CHARLIE: I never said they were.

DAN: But.. you said you like your own species..

CHARLIE: I'm attracted to other homo sapiens, yes.

DAN: That's not what homosexual means!

CHARLIE: No need to shout! And yes it is!

DAN: No, it's not-- you know what, never mind. Fuck it.

CHARLIE: Ass.

DAN: Frank, are you present?

FRANK: Yes.

DAN: Why did you choose to attend the meeting?

FRANK: To get help for my homosexuality. And I do know what homosexual means, by the way.

CHARLIE: Ass.

DAN: Ok, we'll help you convert the best we can.

BILLY BOB: Wait, is he a faggot?

DAN: Were you even paying attention? We just said that. And yes, but he's here to change-

BILLY BOB: We can't have any faggots in the Church!

DAN: Billy, he needs our help-

BILLY BOB: I AIN'T HELPING NO FAIRY!

DAN: That's a double negative. So you just said you will help him.

BILLY BOB: DAMMIT!

DAN: And the last person at the meeting is my son, Paul, who's gay-

PAUL: I'm bisexual.

DAN: Same thing-

PAUL: No, it's not the same thing. It's just as similar to heterosexuality as it is homosexuality, so it'd be illogical to--

DAN: I can't understand you, Paul. Speak English please.

PAUL: What word did you not understand in that sentence?

DAN: 'Similar' and 'illogical' aren't english, kid.

PAUL: Yes, they are!

DAN: No, that's Spanish. Or maybe French. No, it's Spanish, I'm pretty sure it's Spanish.

PAUL: You're an idiot, Dad.

DAN: Don't disrespect me! I'm older than you are!

PAUL: Why should I respect you just because you were born before I was? That makes no sense.

DAN: I've had more experience than you!

PAUL: More experience doing what? Mom? Sitting in an office all day? Hating people who are different than you? Wow, Dad. You sure proved me wrong. I guess I should respect you, since all of those things are extremely useful and do wonders for your I.Q. Damn, was I ever wrong!

DAN: I didn't understand most of what you just said, son. I think you're speaking Spanish again.

PAUL: Fine. Whatever.

DAN: What's IQ? Is it Spanish for hello?

PAUL: No, Dad.

DAN: Then what does it mean?

BILLY BOB: I think it means pizza.

DAN: Really?

BILLY BOB: No, but I am really hungry for a pizza.

PAUL: There's some in the fridge.

BILLY BOB: Well, I ain't gettin' it now! You probably poisoned it cause you knew I'd want it, you Godless faggot!

PAUL: I didn't poison it. Don't be vapid.

BILLY BOB: I ain't been vaporized, I'm right here!

PAUL: No, that's- *sighs* Nevermind. Forget it.

BILLY BOB: I bet you'll try and vaporize me, though! You fuckin' fag!

PAUL: Isn't it dangerous to use all of your vocabulary in one sentence?

BILLY BOB: Dammit, boy! Your Dad done told you not to speak Spanish when we all speak English! I bet the reason you keep doing it is cause you're an illegal immigrant from Mexico!

PAUL: What? That doesn't even make any goddamn sense-

BILLY BOB: DON'T FUCKIN' SWEAR, FAGGOT!

PAUL: Whatever. *to Dan.* Are we gonna actually start the meeting soon so I can go home today? Or are we just going to listen to Billy Bob yell hypocritical BS?

DAN: I don't know what that one word means, but yes, we'll start the meeting right now. Sally? Would you like to go more in depth about why you're here?

SALLY: Sure. *takes a deep breath* I'm here because my brother recently told me that he-- *gulps, upset. is holding back tears* he likes boys. Naturally I became really upset when I found out about this, so I started to get super depressed. I even tried to jump off a bridge- *sobs* and- and then I decided to come here for emotional support.

DAN: *looking at something on his phone* That's terrible.

SALLY: Yes, it is. I think he did it just to hurt me, just to hurt the family. I think he just wants to rebel. He's two years younger than me at 16, so he's at that age. I get where he's coming from, but why do this? Why hurt us like this?

PAUL: Your brother didn't do any such thing, he didn't just choose to-

DAN: Quiet, Paul! It's not your turn. I knew I shouldn't have brought you here.

PAUL: Well, I never even wanted to come, I'm only here cause you made me-

DAN: I said quiet!

PAUL: *rolls eyes but keeps quiet*

DAN: Continue, Sally.

SALLY: Anyway, I just feel so hurt that he'd want to do this to us. Breaks my heart.

PAUL: *sighs and facepalms, shaking head simultaneously.*

DAN: Ok, Billy Bob? Anything you want to say?

BILLY BOB: I think that them homosexuals is trying to kill us all, you know, like the gay agenda and stuff, and the children, and the sanctity of marriage.

DAN: That sentence was somewhat perplexing, but go on.

BILLY BOB: Now you speakin' Spanish too! I knew you was immigrants!

DAN: No, that's not-

BILLY BOB: Shut up, shitface! Don't question your elders! *hits Dan over the head with a Bible again*

DAN: *sighs*

PAUL: Now you know how I feel.

BILLY BOB: Anyway, homosexuals hate heterosexuals. They don't like how we like the penis in the vagina, and they don't like how we never sleep around. They hate how we don't get divorced and we're always faithful in relationships. Like, how I've only slept with forty women, and I think homosexuals have slept with way more, cause there are so many people to choose from. And how my ex wife and I were married for three months. A homosexual marriage wouldn't last two days!

DAN: Wow, Billy Bob, you must make quite the lover.

BILLY BOB: You bet I am!

DAN: *Looks at his watch* Alright, that was a good first meeting. See y'all next week!
***********************************************