Carry on Like You're Supposed to Be

It was either very late at night or extremely early in the morning when I was woken up by loud voices. I was slightly peeved by this, since I had just managed to fall into a slightly restful sleep after listening to my stomach scream - not grumble, not growl, not roar, but scream - for food for a good hour and a half. But when I realized the voices came from my brother and Kyle, I stopped scowling and started straining my ears to listen to what they were saying.

"Kyle, you can't just fucking leave!" Caleb whisper-hiss-shout-spat-growl-ed.

"I swear, Caleb, I can't handle this anymore. I can't handle her anymore! There're just too many problems." Kyle wasn't even trying to keep his voice down. I heard the slam of a drawer and footsteps walking down the carpeted hallway.

"Are you fucking kidding me? After everything you guys have been through? After everything she's been able to overcome? A drug addiction, alcoholism, a failed pregnancy, and the death of her best friend - that's a lot, Kyle, and you don't think she can get over being anorexic? She needs you." The closer Kyle got to the living room, and ultimately, the front door, the more desperate and anxious Caleb's voice sounded. I got out of the pullout couch and stood beside it, torn between ignoring this argument in hopes that it would go away, and trying to resolve it on my own. The fact that Caleb had called me anorexic didn't phase me one bit - I had already known that.

"Come on, Caleb, like you've been there for her through all that?" Kyle stopped walking right before walking into the living room, and turned to look at Caleb.

Caleb's voice became very quiet, "Okay, so I haven't been the best brother, but I'm trying now. But I don't think she can get through this without you." He whispered. I couldn't see what his face looked like, it was too dark, but I knew it would be pleading.

"I don't think I'd be able to get through it at all." Kyle walked into the middle of the room, but stopped dead when he saw me. There were tears running from my eyes, and I was shaking uncontrollably.

"Alexa..." He whispered and walked towards me, his arm outstretched to touch my face. When his cool fingers came into contact with my cheek, I didn't flinch back. I leaned into his touch, and placed my hand overtop his.

"You're leaving me?" I spoke sadly. I didn't mean it in the sense of our relationship, I meant in the general sense of where he was physically.

He nodded. Fresh tears sprang from my eyes, and my mouth opened and closed slightly a few times, trying to find something to say.

It wasn't like I hadn't expected it all along. Nothing good ever stayed with me. Not Stefan, not my family, not my friends, not my child. It was like the world liked to pick off everything that meant anything to me one by one, until I only had one thing left to cling to. And then that one thing either suffocated or threw me off and left.

"I love you." I whispered, finally settling on some words. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, and then let it out. I was too tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically to fight. It would hurt us both just that much more. I expected him to leave and continue on his jolly little way through life, and for me to keep going on my downward spiral that would inevitably end in my death. I also expected to never see him again.

I didn't expect him lean down and kiss me like leaving was the last thing he wanted to do, and whisper words I could hardly hear due to the noise of my sobs.

"I love you. So much more than this makes it seem, and so much more than I can show you."

And with that, he turned and walked out the door. I fell to my knees and stared at the door he had just left through, as if he would jump back through it and shout 'Just kidding!'. But I knew that wouldn't happen.

The tears stopped coming out of my eyes, and my shaking ceased. Caleb stood in the doorframe between the hallway and the living room, watching me crumple.

After a minute of staring, my body possessed me to stand and walk and open the door and take the stairs down to the first level. So many things already I had no consent over, and yet, I didn't complain at what my body was making me do. I took the stairs two at a time, hoping to make it down the 5 flights before Kyle had left.

When I reached the first floor, I saw Kyle walking across the street, meaning he had either walked very slowly, or waited for a bit. I sprinted across the narrow hallway and ran out the door, calling his name. He turned to face me halfway across the street. I could see the tears on his face sparkling in the dim light provided by the street lamps. We stood and looked at each other for what felt like hours, telling each other everything we needed to with our eyes.

But because this is Kyle, and someone I loved, a car came speeding down the street.

You'd probably expect to see me say something like 'I watched in horror as the car crashed into him' or use one of those clichéd lines, but you're not going to. I watched without feeling. Because, and I'm going to be honest with you, I was pretty much used to people dying on me by that point. But just because I was used to it doesn't mean it didn't hurt me all the same, if not more.