Carry on Like You're Supposed to Be

I, Alexa Turman, didn't go to possibly the most amazing man ever, Kyle Burns,'s funeral. No, I was too busy getting smashed with some of Stefan's old friends to go. The day after his funeral, it was raining, and my time was occupied by hot-boxing it and reminiscing about Stefan, so I didn't go visit his grave. And the day after that, I was too stoned in some guy's basement to think about anything at all. Not a single thing. When I finally thought about visiting it, I was dragged off by some people to a rave.

My life went on like this for weeks. Until, of course, I was fired and Caleb kicked me out of his apartment, despite his efforts to 'be a better brother'. Rachel stopped phoning me, and my parents wouldn't even answer the door when I rang. I had no friends who really cared enough to help me at all left, and once again, no one in the band would talk to me, thanks to Caleb, my lovely fucking brother.

I fell back into each and every one of my old habits, hoping that one night death would come quickly and quietly. Because, really, I had nothing left to live for. I had had everything I felt was worth living for torn away from me - or more like, I had unconsciously furthered myself from everything until the damage was irreparable, and we were separated until the day I died.

In the end, I was back where I started. In the Beautiful Kingdom of Loneliness. And in the Beautiful Kingdom of Loneliness I was trapped, which was just peachy, really. Because that's what everyone wants to be, trapped inside their lonely, lonely selves.

I'll give you a visual of what the Beautiful Kingdom of Loneliness looks like. It's dark, it's mouldy, it hurts to sit and sleep in, and it smells like dead animals and stale water. At first I thought that it was just my hallucinations from when I snorted K, but in reality, the Beautiful Kingdom of Loneliness was my mind, it was me. And I had never been more afraid of what I was.

Alone.