Carry on Like You're Supposed to Be

Kyle and I were avoiding the subject of the baby. We didn't want to have to think about how it would change our lives. But he and I both knew that we had to talk about it eventually.

But, what was more urgently on my list was to get a job. My parents made if very clear not to come back to try and get my stuff, and I couldn't keep wearing Kyle's clothes. So, I had turned out to the streets to find a job.

And after 3 hours and five job interviews, I had finally gotten a job at HMV. A CD store was not my first choice, as it would be filled with cranky parents and hyper kids, but okay, whatever; it's a job, was my mindframe.

I was set to start work a week from when I first got the job, so I walked(a very long walk) back to the house with nothing better to do. Once I had taken off my shoes, and padded up the stairs, I was ready to collapse onto Kyle's bed and nap. But Kyle was already lodged on his bed. He looked over at me when I laid down beside him.

"Hey," I said quietly, and his reply was a 'hey' back. We laid in silence for some time after that.

"So Caleb's disappeared from the face of the earth, which kinda sucks 'cause we need him." I knew the words he was biting back: It's your fault. I also knew he would never say them to me. So, I responded with a simple "Oh."

Kyle turned to me suddenly. "What are we going to do with the baby, I mean, like, I'm not going to be here all the time, and you're going to only be twenty by the time he's born. And we have to find a doctor, and make the whole birth plan thing, and stuff. We can't bring a baby on tour either," I sighed. We had finally got to the topic I didn't want to think about.

"Well,"I stopped, to think. We obviously didn't have that many options. "I'm sure, once the baby is born, that Rachel, who seems to be talking to me now, won't mind coming out from Florida to help me. I mean, it's not like you'll be gone forever, just a few weeks..."

"I guess that would work. And then when I come back, she could go home? We can do this, we can have this baby, and not have it be a total messed-up-confused-kid. We could do this." Kyle said, as if he was trying to convince himself.

"Yeah, we really could." I was inspired by his words all the same.

"I love you." He said, and I repeated his words to him.

--

Kyle and I had just been at the doctor's office, confirming that I truly and honestly was pregnant, 140% sure, and making birth plans and running tests.

I truly was excited; I had always wanted to be a mother. But how scared I was outweighed my excitement. I wanted to be a mother, just not this soon. How would a baby grow up, strong and happy and healthy and normal, when their mother was an ex-addict and their father was gone so much?

Despite the fear and guilt, we were both very happy, I could tell by Kyle's constant grin. It was cool to know a part of you was growing, even though you couldn't tell from the outside. I was one of those lucky few people, who didn't get morning sickness.

"I think we're going to have created the worlds most beautiful baby. Better than baby Kingston Stefani, better than baby Shiloh. Better than Suri. And that's saying a lot." Kyle said while he was driving back to his house, which now had a bunch of clothes that I had bought with my minimum wage salary. So, it had started to seem more like my home too.

"Too true, as long as he got your beautiful hair, eyes, nose, chin and natural thin-ness, we're good to go. People magazine will be BEGGING for our baby photos!"

"Hey! You have nice..." He hesitated mockingly. "Elbows. Very sharp and pointy. Good for self defence and mosh pits!"

"Gee, I feel so gifted now!" I rolled my eyes and smiled at him, earning an award-winning grin in return.

We arrived at the house, and upon entering the front door, Kyle pressed me against a wall and kissed me. I immediately responded, and kissed back, my lips moving against his. He pushed his body as close to mine as possible, and placed his hands on my hips. I put my arms around his neck and tangled my hands in his hair.

We started moving towards the couch where he collapsed on top of me, his hands furthering themselves up my shirt. Kyle moved his lips from mine and started trailing them down my neck, but soon moved his lips back up.

"Kyyyyyyyyle, how are babies made." Marc said from the stairs in a little girl voice.

"Fuck." Kyle mumbled against my lips and turned to his step-brother. "We could give you a demonstation, if you'd like."

"Oh, no. I was just leaving." Marc pulled on his shoes and headed out the door. Kyle and I then returned to our favourite pastime.