Detox Just to Retox

Thirty-nine minutes into the new year, Jack makes Alex uncomfortable. He makes his stomach twist, has him sitting in his dark room rubbing his hands over his face as he contemplates how to respond. It shouldn’t be so hard to just let him down easy. But he’s not entirely sure he even wants to let him down.

Be my New Year’s kiss

There are multiple things wrong with that, he thinks.

Last year you said you hated New Year’s

I do.

It always sucks for me, it’s such a stupid holiday I

The first one being that a few months ago Jack thought it’d be best if he moved away. Only a couple hours from Alex, the same Alex that he didn’t even mention his decision to until he was already situated in his new place. They’re not anywhere near each other. Maybe Alex thought it was an okay idea too, when he finally did hear about it. But maybe he also thought it was a really shitty one. Because it made him upset a lot and he didn’t know what to do.

But I’m in town again, we should meet up

Another thing, was the whole time issue. New Year’s kisses were meant to take place at the stroke of midnight, not ten past one in the morning in the dark backseat of your ex’s car.

I thought you went back on Christmas Eve?

I did, but I’m here again.

Though maybe to part of Alex, that sounded absolutely perfect.

I came back for fun

Fun like what?

Alex keeps throwing his phone away, off his bed and out of sight. When it hits the floor of his bedroom that’s covered in clothes, he rolls his eyes and sort of wishes it would’ve just broken so he could be allowed to actually give up for once. But he makes sure to avoid the wall every time he throws it, and keeps forcing himself to check the new message each time the screen lights up his room. Maybe it’d be better if he were asleep, because he’s not sure what to do, and he hates that helpless feeling he always gets when dealing with Jack. But Alex’s normal bedtime has been around four in the morning while he has to get up at six for work, and Jack’s made it a habit to keep contacting him and asking how he’s been. It seems that the move has maybe done more bad than good.

Care for a drive to the park, darling?

Since when did you get your license back?

Since the party was in September and I got it back last week.

It’s not really a surprise, considering when they were together it was still always bad overruling the good. It’s why they called it off. But now Jack’s playing these stupid games with him, screwing Alex’s mind up entirely on purpose. He has that feeling that he wishes would go away but he’s too scared to ever call the other boy out on it. And as long as that’s the way it is, that’s the way it’ll be.

I want to see you

But have you been drinking again? You just got it back

I’m on my way

He doesn’t give Jack a response. Because Jack has always been too good at getting what he wants.

Jack’s late. Neither of them are really on a time schedule, but Alex had been waiting for so long, accepting what he half wished he didn’t have to, for twenty minutes too many. Just as he believed the anxious feeling had finally vanished because Jack wasn’t going to show, he heard a knock on the front door. And he lets himself just trudge back down the stairs and out the front door into the biting cold. Because that’s what he does when he’s with Jack. It’s just the way they work.

“Do you ever miss me?”

“Jack-,”

“I miss you, you know.”

Alex doesn’t want to know. Yet that’s all he’s been wanting to ask since Jack moved away.

“You’ve been drinking.”

Jack doesn’t respond. It doesn’t even seem like he heard him. And Alex makes no move to jump out of the car like he’s told himself he would if he were ever in this situation. Because he doesn’t know what to do, he never does anymore. With every call and every time that Jack makes him want to come crawling back, guilt-tripping him and feeding him lines of pity, he’s not sure how to handle it. Or himself. Maybe he’s not jumped out yet because he never thought he’d even let himself willing get in the car in the first place.

It’s dark at the park, but only because Jack decided to go where one of the streetlights was burned out. It used to flicker, Alex remembers, but it hasn’t since mid October. It makes him wish he could be like that, too. Stop flickering, stop jumping in then right back out. Stop hoping and carelessly waiting around for something to happen and just shut his feelings down for good.

Jack smiles at him with a sigh. The sight of his breath makes him feel even colder, and the smile makes him feel confused. It’s no secret that Alex was never good at making up his mind.

“You never answered my question. Do you ever miss me?”

Alex ends up being Jack’s New Year’s kiss. It’s at quarter to four in the dark backseat of his ex’s car, the tiniest bit messy but the best kiss he’s had in years. Jack’s very controlling, pinning Alex down and leaving him feeling helpless as per usual. But as Alex feels all of his upset days wash away more and more with every swipe of Jack’s tongue, he realizes that’s not it. He’s only helpless because he’s stuck. He’s not helpless, can handle himself. It’s just that Alex is needy. There are too many things he wants but doesn’t need. And though he knows Jack is much more than a petty want, he needs Jack. Like water in his lungs. And he still just doesn’t know what to do.