Cause And Effect

I was born premature by about a month nearly two decades ago. Surprisingly, I wasn't small at all, and was very long for a baby, and the doctors thought I'd be rather tall, although I'm about medium sized, for a boy. My mother drove herself to the hospital actually, because no one else was around to take her. She was in labor for twelve hours before I was born at around 8:10 or 8:15 PM. My mother isn't sure, she doesn't remember.
As a child, I was happy, until someone pissed me off. Then I'd get really violent and beat that person up, and I used to be able to beat the shit out of ten year old boys when I was four. I'm surprised Mom didn't keep me on a lash, as I was very quick to anger, but fortunately also very quick to forgive. I used to be very athletic as a child. I did well in sports in school until about third or fourth grade, when my interest began to fade.
As a kid, I was never very interested in anything aside from swimming every day in the Summer and playing with toys (not those kinds of toys, lol.) I loved making up stories. I weaved intricate tales using my toys. I loved swimming because I loved how it felt to dive into the lake, to feel the cool wetness on my skin (innuendo #2) and to observe all the action going on around me. I was extremely observant as a child, always describing everything around me and writing a story about it in my head. I loved sensory details back then, and I still do now if I'm not busy working on one of my projects.
When I played with toys, I'd make my younger brother, who we'll call Devin, make the "bad army" invade my town, and then I'd make the oppressed citizens form a resistance and revolt. I'd mostly focus on playing the one character that got the whole thing started. This character's name was Alan, after my next door neighbor and best friend. I didn't pick the namd as a tribute to Alan though, I just used it because I thought it was an awesome name. Anyway, Alan would get himself in trouble by trolling and playing pranks on the guards from the "bad army." Alan would also convince people to rebel and would do all sorts of crazy things, despite the fact that it vexed his brother Jack, who was very careful and afraid of everything.
When I wasn't playing war games, Devin and I would play school with the one hundred and something stuffed animals we had. (I'm not exaggerating, we literally had over a hundred stuffed animals. I think we had around one hundred and fifty, but maybe we had more.) I'd make some stuffed animals get bullied by other stuffed animals, and have others be friends or just pretent to be friends because they had to. I was very interested in different kinds of relationships and interactions, at least with toys. With real people, not so much. I never had many friends as a kid because I was very picky, and I was kind of an asshole. I was actually a bully in my first four years of school, and ended up being bullied because I was a bully, but was oblivious to the fact that everything was my fault. I was very angry from age six and up since my parents had gotten divorced, which I realized was a stupid, illogical reason to be bitter and vexed all the time when I was eleven or twelve. Now I'm bitter about better problems it makes sense to be bitter about, so that's fun.
Other than that, I was basically the stereotypical dumb jock up until fourth grade. I was really good with logic and problem solving so I was smart in that sense, but I didn't give any fucks at all about understanding the world around me, which is now my life's mission, as well as to help people and to raise enough money to get sex reassignment surgery so I don't flip out about every reminder of my biological sex. Anyway, in fourth grade everything changed. I started to enjoy reading novels, and quickly became an avid reader. I dabbled in every genre except romance which I thought was corny at the time, and still think is corny but I'll read stuff with a little romance in it, partially because it's put in everything and partially because I'm curious about the human psyche and how the effects of increased dopamine levels vary from individual to individual. I became more knowledgeble and more interested in the world around me. I loved seeing how different characters responded to stimuli in different ways, depending on their mood, their environment, and their personality. It's so interesting to me how different factors affect the way we act and think.
Reading was like the so- called "gateway drug" for me. Because I read historical fiction I became interested in history, and reading science fiction made me like science more. But I was never really an intellectual until I started using the internet when I got a computer for my twelfth birthday. I started out listening to secular music, which wasn't allowed in my house, and ended up becoming a wikipedia junkie and an expert on lots of things. Now everything is interesting to me, and the accumulation of knowledge as well as brainstorming and coming up with innovative ideas and hypothesi is what's most important to me now. Reading books and learning new information helped me become a better person. Now I just study people like specimen under microscopes instead of being an asshole to everyone, although I do love to troll people on internet forums.
I also think that being bisexual and transgender helped me be less of a cunt, because it made me realize that life sucks and as frustrating as people can be, sometimes there's more going on in their life than what meets the eye, but if people are dicks to me I'm gonna be somewhat of a dick back because how am I supposed to know if they really have a shitty life or if they're just a worthless cunt who is just naturally a douchebag? If I know what they're going through, like if it's the death of someone close, I'll be nicer, but only to a certain extent. I'm not a very patient person. I'm kind of an asshole in every day life, but I do care about people, which is why I want to focus on helping society as a whole (the cosmic whole lol) instead of just individuals. I'm not good with people. I tend to piss off everyone I talk to, but I'm good at convincing people to do what I want and I can use this skill for good. I know how to cause social revolution, because it's a pattern and I'm great with patterns. So I'm a nice asshole.
I knew I was transgender at a very young age, but forgot about it for a while due to the fact that I used to be very conservative. One day in kindergarten, I came home from school and informed my father, "Daddy, I wanna be a boy." But he said it was wrong of me to want that, so I blew it off because I was five and thought everything my parents said was automatically true. I remember that I was always much more interested in hanging out with boys than girls, and despised girly things like makeup and dresses and such, because you know how sexist children are. When kids are just becoming aware of their gender and they're young and immature, they think in the "Us VS. Them" mentality a lot, I think. This is with anything really, kids are dicks.
I also remember that we'd play "Boys VS. Girls," during Recess all the time, and I always wanted to be on the Boys' team, but they wouldn't let me because they insisted I was a girl. So I would either play tag instead or wander around near the fence by the woods alone, imagining running away from school and going home because I hated school so much. I had a very vivid imagination, and whenever some of the kids would pretend we were in Jurassic Park, I could vividly picture dinosaurs hunting us.
So, these are the roots of who I am or might be. (I'm still not sure who I am, I kind of suck at introspection. I only know who I am when I'm doing the things I do best, like leading, which I rarely get to do, and starting projects I'll probably nevet finish)