Immortal

Kellin.

“It’s days like these that are the worst. When all of my surroundings seem surreal. When I myself feel not like an actual person. It feels like everything is just an illusion, a big lie. Everything is just a big, disgusting lie.” I said, my eyes darting around on the floor ahead of me. They were searching for something out of the ordinary, something to focus on.

“Mhm.” Dr Ashby’s pen slid over the sheet of paper with precision and skill. It left a trail of ink, forming words that he, and only he, would understand - evidence for the fact that my mind was completely and utterly fucked up. He looked at me and I averted his gaze once more. “And what do you think makes you feel this way Kellin?” he asked.

A sigh of frustration left my lips and I looked down. “Well, I used to believe that it was the meds; but as far as I’m concerned, numbness is none of the side effects.” While I was talking, my fingers fiddled with the edges of my sleeve in an attempt to make both sides look identical. “So I did some research. Turns out it’s a symptom of emotional isolation which, you and I both know, my mind’s quite a big fan of.”

I knew Dr Ashby would be smiling at that. Somehow he always felt when it was appropriate to do so. “I assume you know that people who suffer from this are often going through a depressive episode, just like you are.” I nodded. “So you shouldn’t feel weird about it. It’s completely natural for your mind to try and shut out emotions that overwhelm you. Sadness for example is something you told me you’re lacking of, whereas dull anger seems to always be present.”

I frowned. “Well yeah. But what exactly are you trying to tell me right now?”
I pulled on a loose string with enough force to rip it out of my sweatshirt and fumbled with it. Dr Ashby may have been one of the very few people who at least tried to understand me back then, but he never failed to confuse the shit out of me.

“Well,” he continued, “It’s how human feelings work. If we keep them bottled up for too long, they try to escape through some kind of loophole. Yours just so happens to be anger. It's pretty much inevitable, especially in cases like yours. From what I've gathered in the few sessions we had, you've learned to just swallow down anything negative that might come your way. But that's not the ideal way to deal with things like that. You have got to learn to allow yourself to experience each of your emotions, also the negative ones. 'Cause, well, if you don't do that you'll grow numb to even the positive feelings, which would drive you even further into your depression. Do you understand?”

I just nodded, although everything he'd just told me was quite something to chew on. “I guess I'll have to think about all of this for a while.”
I looked up at the clock – 7:58. Time was almost over.

“Good, Kellin”, he said and I locked eyes with him for the first time these past 48 minutes. I had difficulties doing that while talking about myself. “Same time next week?”

“Yeah sure.” I grabbed my bag and was almost out of the door already, when Dr Ashby called me back.
“Oh um Kellin, wait!” He stood up and walked over to me with a small piece of paper in his hand. He thrust it into my hand and I had no other choice than to take it. “I know how you feel about therapeutic homework, but I think this could be quite helpful.”
I looked at the little sheet and read quietly to myself.

Note down three particular situations in which you had intense emotions and describe each of them in detail.

I pressed my lips together in contemplation. He was right, I actually couldn't stand this kind of special homework – school was tiring enough -, then again, he only tried to do his job properly and help me out with this. Well, that was the thing about almost every therapist I'd been to: No matter how strange their methods were, they usually served a purpose that'd be not only beneficial for them, but also for their client in the long run.
“Fine. I'll do it.” I answered to the unspoken question.

His face lit up in an instant. “Great! I'll see you next week!”
I said my goodbyes and left the office with a small smile on my face, part of it caused by the fact that I had gotten over with therapy for this week.

I got home in time, took a shot of vodka and brushed my teeth right after that (delicious, right?) to complete my Monday routine. I can't remember whether or not I also jerked of that night, but if I did, it was definitely to the thought of him, Vic Fuentes. And when I tucked myself into the sheets and drifted off into a peaceful slumber, I couldn't even begin to imagine what the next day would hold for me.

At least I got exactly 10 hours of sleep before I woke up at the most awkward day of my life.