So Kiss Me Goodbye

Will was probably scared, nervous, and anxious after I hung up on him

It was nothing compared to how I was feeling.

I was going to be a mom.

What powers in this world would think giving me a kid would be a smart thing?

I barely managed to take care of myself, and even then it was a group effort.

Shelby was the one making sure I ate.

Natalie always reminded me I needed to do the laundry, every time she brought over a missing piece of clothing.

Travis constantly had to remind me pants and skirts were not worn together (though I only made that mistake once.)

I was still a kid myself; sure twenty-two is old but mentally I wasn't ready!

As for Will I couldn't speak for him, hell I didn't even know how he'd react.

True, in a situation like this it's hard to guess anyone's reaction, but we were different.

I'd been with Will for a grand total of six days, the rest of it being with him on tour.

That wasn't much of a basis for a relationship.

Our relationship was so new, how could it withstand such a test like a baby?

I was such an idiot.

For one night of happiness I had screwed up my entire life, present and future.

True, my thoughts were very pessimistic but it meant less emotional damage from high hopes.

Obviously I had been left to my thoughts for some time now.

I sent Jamie home a few hours ago, needing time to myself after this long day.

I had gotten so much closer to her today.

She had taken care of everything so expertly, not judging me in the least.

After a bit of prying I had found out how she knew so much.

Jamie was a statistic just like me.

Before she met Mike she had fallen in 'love' with a boy right out of high school.

They had made the same mistake Will and I had, though as she put it Will really does love me.

When he found out she was pregnant he left her.

Jamie had to go it alone after that.

She didn't tell her parents or friends, afraid they'd have the same reaction her love did.

After seeing her doctor Jamie had made the heart wrenching decision to get an abortion.

With tears in her eyes she had told me about it and the physical and mental pain she had gone through after.

I had always been pro-choice on the issue of abortion and when I was young and naive I didn't think I'd feel so badly about it.

Seeing the emotions so clearly on someone who had already gone through it I couldn't imagine doing the same now.

Jamie's story had a happy ending though.

Shortly after she got the abortion she moved away from home like me and came to Chicago.

While making money as a waitress in a dive bar, she met Will.

He in turn introduced her to the rest of the boys and Mike.

Because of this past she was intent to be there for me and stand by me no matter what happens the next crazy months.

While I had her there I was still scared shitless about Will.

He was catching the first flight out and getting here tomorrow.

As much as I wanted him to be there for me and say he wouldn't leave me I knew it was doubtful.

Still in the back of my mind if he left I knew I wasn't alone.

Before I may have freaked out and let my emotions take over but I could think clearer now.

I was already getting weirdly used to thinking of myself as no longer alone.

I had my fingers crossed everyone else would have Jamie's reaction, or at least her opinion.

While I waited for Shelby to get home I stared anxiously at the doctors appointment circled on my calendar for tomorrow.

Though the pregnancy test said positive, and even the second andsixth third one did, Jamie still made an appointment to see the doctor for my health's sake and to make it official.

She promised she'd go with me if Will's reaction was... well, 'worst case scenario' were her words.

Jamie would be the only other person here to tell me that.

I had already figured out it would be best to keep as little people informed as possible, at least till I told Will.

I'm sure Shelby, Natalie, Travis, and even my parents would be pissed once they found out I had chose not to tell them.

And yet it didn't matter as long as I told Will.

After that I could focus on my future and what the hell I was going to do next.