So Kiss Me Goodbye

"No."

Will fidgeted under the covers.

"No?"

I nodded, trying to find more confidence.

"I'm not going to marry you."

He leaned closer, somewhat imploring in the darkness.

"Why not?"

I sighed and flopped down back onto the bed.

"A marriage based on the fact that we have a child together isn't a relationship at all. I'd rather have this kid be born into a world where his or hers parents aren't together than together just to look like a functioning nuclear family."

Will looked somewhat hurt and confused so I elaborated.

"This baby is pretty much an accident after a fling with you in the heat of the moment. It's not like I expected you to want to commit, I mean half the time you're flying around the world and partying with your friends. I'm not promising this baby anything except I'll always love it and be there for it."

Dejectedly Will laid back down on the bed, admitting defeat.

In the darkness I heard him murmur. "It was more than a fling to me."

That had sparked my curiosity, making me reach my hand out toward him in the darkness. "What do you mean?"

He turned back around but the depression was evident in his voice.

"I wanted a real relationship with you Lilly. This wasn't just an accident to me. I got scared when you told me about the baby because it was everything I wanted, but it was all coming at once. When I wasn't with you it hurt me, but when you hated me, it killed me on the inside."

Will's words had gotten to me, but I played it off once more as hormones and him being a lyricist.

"Your mom thinking were engaged gave me the perfect entry to ask you to marry me. I said it before I didn't want to lose you; well that's how much I want you to stay with me."

My heart softened again and I reached my hand out to him, landing on his cheek. It was a risk of emotions but silently I leaned forward and touched my lips to his.

It had barely registered in Will's mind what I was doing when I pulled away.

"A piece of paper and a ceremony doesn't mean well stay together. There has to be more there has to be real genuine love. Like being able to see that person at their worst and still believing they're beautiful, or wanting to grow old with them and live to see your sixtieth anniversary with each other."

Will grabbed both my hands and pulled me closer.

"I want that with you I want all of that and more Lilly." He whispered, letting go of my hands and pulling my closer by my waist.

His words made me melt.

Just hearing from a guy that he wanted to commit was an amazing thing.

Any other girl who heard that from a man would be like putty in his hands and probably fucked him right there.

I probably would've done the same if it weren't for the feeling in my heart.

Something about this wasn't right to me; there was something missing in the equation.

I pulled away from Will a little.

"I'm sorry Will, I'm really sorry. This just..."

I trailed off as I tried to remember the correct train of thought and the right way of phrasing it.

Will waited patiently for me, something that unnerved me a little.

"I'm not ready to get married." I murmured. "Hell I'm barely ready to have a baby but I can't really control that."

My words made him turn away, either in thought or out of disappointment, I wasn't sure.

I reached out toward him, my hand touching the warmth of his back.

The feeling of it, flesh over bones, entranced me.

I let my hand wander over it, remembering words and names from high school biology.

Scapula... Spine... Ribs...

My fingers trailed lightly over his clavicle, causing him to turn back toward me.

His voice was raw with confusion and hurt as he broke through the thick silence.

"What do you want from me?"

My mouth opened and I moved my lips, but nothing came out.

"I messed up, I know, but here I am again trying to fix things. I opened myself up for you to decide what to do and all you're doing is playing with my heart. I told you everything and I put myself out there to get hurt, just for you. Everything I said was everything I thought you wanted to hear and I keep hoping it'll change your mind but its not. You keep pushing me away and pulling me in so I'm asking you, what do you want from me? "

Will had struck me completely speechless.

There was nothing I could find in my mind to say in that moment.

Will searched my eyes, almost knowing my thoughts since all he did was turn his back to me with a tired huff.

His words stuck with me though, keeping me awake.

What did I want from him?