So Kiss Me Goodbye

The first month home with Zackie had gone and with the second things began to get easier.

Most people said it was the first four months that were the hardest but it seemed like they had all been condensed into that first one.

Afterward things changed.

All of a sudden Zackie was sleeping through the night, keeping down the formula, and stopped crying for no reason.

I assumed it was just him getting used to the world but Will's mom assured me it was because we were becoming better parents.

A part of me didn’t believe her but it was the compliment that meant the most.

Will's parents stopped by almost every weekend since he had come home, and having them there definitely helped us feel a lot more confident that we could actually do this, raise our child.

The world outside our apartment was a lot more complicated.

Will and the guys were supposed to have started recording last month, but with our baby, Mike and Jamie's wedding, and Madi and Sisky's love affair, the record was put on hold.

After Mike and Jamie's wedding last month (I was the reluctant maid of honor) most of the things weighing us down in Chicago disappeared.

Since Jamie still wasn’t due for another seven months she agreed to move out to LA with Mike while Madi, mostly a free agent when it came to her photography, decided she'd go out with them and help Jack with the filming, not to mention be with Sisky.

Once they signed up it was pretty much a family affair from their as everyone turned to me, waiting for me to say yes.

Stupid peer pressure.

If honesty was the best policy than the truth was I didn’t want to leave Chicago.

I'd spent long enough in the music industry to know what to expect.

We'd go off to LA, record the record, go on Warped Tour, then the headlining tour, probably Europe and Asia while we were at it, only to come back for a month before the cycle started all over again.

Sounded appetizing except it'd be from a bus, surrounded by a bunch of loud smelly guys, with no privacy or space, and with a baby not even a year old.

It seemed like a daunting future, a black cloud over my head, where just as everything was finally settled we had to pack up and go again.

All my fears weren’t just for me but for Zackie.

Psychologists would kill to get their hands on him if he grew up on the road, looking for attachment issues, insecurities, and any other complexes.

If we stayed in Chicago we'd have the freedom to choose when we woke up, when we ate, where we went; all the normal human freedoms that disappear on the road.

Of course all my insecurities about the future come out the night before we're supposed to fly out to LA.

"Did you pack everything?" Will asked while throwing band tees into his waiting suitcase.

I absentmindedly nodded as I fed Zackie, feeling in a daze with all these internal conflicts.

"I've done this hundreds of times, how did you do it so fast?" Will asked in a playful chuckle.

I replied with a half hearted shrug, not paying much attention to Will.

If I had been watching I would've seen Will look over at my empty bag in the corner.

"Lilly... you haven’t even started." He murmured, glancing over to me with a worried crease in his brow.

Once more I shrugged dejectedly, watching Zackie's eyes closing longer with each blink, his tummy getting full as he got sleepier.

That was one of those cute baby mannerisms I loved, like how his eyes followed you out of everyone else in a crowded room or those little baby squeals of happiness that came out at the simplest thing, like a smile.

"Lilly, why haven’t you packed yet?" Will asked softly, drawing me out of my thoughts with the tone in his voice letting me know this was something more than procrastination.

"What if I don't want to do this?" I asked him quietly. "What if I don’t want to tour around the world and force myself and Zackie to live on a bus and attempt to live a sized down version of our lives?"

Will immediately ended up next to me, wanting to talk this through and do whatever he could, like always.

"I thought you wanted to do this, why didn’t you say anything?"

I sighed shakily. "Because I know this is what you want."

Will laughed sadly and put an arm around me.

"Lilly you should've said something, we could’ve taken care of this a long time ago."

I shrugged off his arm irritably. "This isn’t like something on a 'to do' list Will. A couple of months ago I would have jumped head first at the idea of going on tour, but we didn’t have Zackie then. I don't like the idea of raising him on the road, not when he's so young."

There was silence from Will so I continued.

"I know you guys, and I know about all the partying. I mean we're all barely into our twenties and with a baby and a pregnant woman on tour I don’t want to be a resentment or anything. I know you'll want to go off and party or drink with all of them."

Despite what happened before Will put his arm back around me and lifted my chin so I was looking up at him.

"We all have to grow up eventually Lilly. Mike's got Jamie and their baby, Sisky's got Madi, Michael's plenty laid back, The Butcher is pretty much a second child, and I've got you and Zackie. We already are growing up." He explained.

As much as he tried to convince me, my heart just wasn’t there.

"I just don't think I can do it, it's like there's no end in sight."

Will turned a little taken aback, his eyebrows furrowed before his expression cleared into one a little hurt.

"You're scared." He whispered, somewhat hurt.

"I just don't want to go!" I exclaimed, setting Zackie on the bed. "We've survived nine months of hell worthy of a soap opera! And now when we've got our home, our baby, and each other finally, you want to go and risk it for music!"

Silently Will got up off the bed and took the now sleeping baby from my arms, going into the next room and putting him in his crib.

When he came back his expression was blank but his voice had power.

"You knew when you married me the music came with it, don't tell me you didn’t. Now I would give up my life for you Lilly but if you're asking me to give up music that's something I can't do." Will said in a level, piercing voice.

"I didn't ask you to marry me Will! Every time you left it was always you that came back! You're the one that said the baby and I were top priority. So don't pull that shit on me." I growled.

Will's generally placid mood changed, turning into anger.

"I came back because I loved you and every time you treated me like shit. You have no idea how tightly wrapped you have me around your finger." He murmured harshly. "You're just so frustrating I can't even think."

I watched him pacing furiously in the room, his thoughts filling his head painfully by his expression.

Suddenly guilt washed over me after seeing what I did to him, and a thought wormed it's way into my head before I could stop it.

"We should've never gotten married." I murmured, the strange feeling of tears welling up behind my eyes.

"Do you really think that?" Will asked, finally standing still.

I didn’t answer him, too afraid of my own voice.

I sat there in the bed, feeling somehow ripped apart and broken after hearing Will's words.

I went through every word in my mind, hoping one of them would put things back to the way they were but came up with nothing.

Will walked over to his side of the bed, but instead of slipping under the covers with me he grabbed a pillow from his side of the bed.

"Where are you going?" I asked in a raw voice.

He didn’t look at me as he walked toward the door.

"I'm going to go sleep on the couch." He replied, stopping short and turning toward me. "I'm not going to try to convince you to come with me Lilly, only you can do that. I just hope you make your decision before it's too late."

And then Will left, leaving me stunned and near tears as I tried to sleep in our empty bed the last night we would be in the apartment together.