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Saturday

Chapter 12

Luke's P.O.V.

It was all my fault. What was happening with my parents, I felt like it was all my fault, I was convinced it was. I messed up everything that we used to have. And I could not go on with those thoughts in my mind. It all started when I received my report card. My grades were pretty horrible. I was used to getting all A's and B's. This time all my grades were D's but music in which I got A, as usual. I didn't put as much effort in my studies like I used to. I had something else distracting me, or should I say someone.

My parents got pretty mad. They started yelling at me on how they were disappointed of me. They said that I was their only hope, that I was the only who could make them proud. They started insulting my dream of pursuing musical career, saying that I would never go far. They wanted me to be doctor or something like that. They wanted me to have as much success possible since my brother never would. My parents started insulting Ben and how he would never do anything great with his life while I could. They were insulting him. I could not believe that they were saying such horrible things about their own son who wasn't the one to be blamed for his condition. It was nobody's fault. Ben did not decide to be sick. He would have wanted a normal life over the one he was stuck with.

I tried to defend him, but it only made my parents angrier, mostly my father. He kept telling me that he did not need his second son to be also a failure. He did not want me to be dumb like he pretended Ben to be. He wanted me to be all perfect and smart, like the perfect little guy I was supposed to be from the day I was born. And my mom, she just nodded, agreeing with what my father was saying. I started to wonder if they always thought those horrible things about Ben? Did they always consider him as the loser, the failure of the family? I did not love the thought, I did not like how they were treating me and Ben. They were not acting like two parents were supposed to. They were acting like total idiots.

Things got worst when I started yelling myself. My dad hit me, he actually slapped me hard in the face. It was the first time in my whole that one of my parents actually raised their hand on me. He hit me hard and it was hurting. When he realized what he had done, my father started apologizing, but I would not hear it. I just ran to my room, with the yells of my mother and my father in the background. I could not believe that my father actually hit me, him who was always nice and sweet to me, like a best friend. But at the back of my mind, I felt like I deserved it. I deserved being hit.

After my father hit me, the ambiance in the house pretty much was horrible. My mother and my father would always argue, barely talking to me. My mother would not cook nice dinners like she used to do and my father would not watch some hockey games with me on TV. Our family was broken. What I thought would upset them just a little turned out to be the element that tore us apart. Because of my bad notes, my parents were going to divorce. Because of me. It was all my fault.

I felt so much pain inside of me, but I had to stay strong. I had to stay strong for Ashton, the guy I loved the most. He needed me. He was going to get out of the hospital in a few weeks and this was amazing news. I tried to stay positive, but it was hard. I realized how hard it could be to hide all the pain can feel. I did not want to worry Ashton with my problems, I did not want him to carry the weigh of my problems along with his. He already had enough, I was going to take care of myself on my own.

Ashton was not dumb, he knew that something was wrong with me. Lying to him, saying that everything was okay was hard. I hated hiding the truth from him, but it was the right thing to do. I did not want him to worry about me. I did not want him to know about all the horrible thoughts I had in the back of my mind. I wanted him to stay the happy Ashton that he turned into. I wanted things to be just perfect for him.

But lying to him was getting harder and harder. That one night he called me, my father and my mother had the biggest of fights and Ashton could hear in the background. So I told him everything. I told him about the my bad grades and how I was responsible of all the drama in my family. He kept telling me that it was not my fault and that I should not blame myself the way I did. But I did not believe him. The voices didn't agree with Ashton's words. I didn't tell him about those voices though, and I didn't tell him about all the horrible ideas that I had at the back of my mind.

I tried to hold on. And the only thing that helped me holding on was Ashton. He was the one positive thing among all those remorses and negative thoughts. I knew he needed me, I had to be there for him. I could not give up on me, on us. We both needed each other, we were meant to be together. And I was doing okay until I came home from school one day and I found my dad sitting on the couch, drunk. He hit me again, and it was the hit that made me quit.

I hoped that Ashton would forgive me. I knew he would understand because he has been there before. I knew he was not going to judge me, that he would see it as an ultimate solution to chase the pain away. I was going to miss him like crazy, but I wanted to be in a better place. I wanted to be a in place where I could not cause anymore problems and drama to the ones I loved. They would be better without me, I was convinced of that.

I locked myself in my parents' bathroom where I would find everything I needed. I hoped things were going to go as planned. I did not want to be found, I wanted to just go away on my own with nobody who could save me. I just wanted to be forgotten, even by Ashton. Sooner he would forget me, the less pain he was going to have.

Ashton actually was the only thing that made me doubt about my decision. I was so lucky to have him in my life. He loved me like crazy, he made me feel so good about myself. He was an amazing person who turned out to be my hero. He was a fighter, my warrior. I encouraged him to fight. But here I was, not even able to listen to my own advices. Even though Ashton gave me everything I could have dreamed of, the pain was not going to go away. And I wanted it to.

My mom had some pain killers in one of the drawers. She used to take them when she had problems with her back. I grabbed the little bottle in which there was at least 20 of those tiny little pills that were going to be the end of me. Those tiny little white things were going to kill me and it was going for the best. I was going to leave this world slowly, without hurting. I was going to leave peacefully.

I sat on the floor and thought about my life. I would be lying if I said that I had a bad life. Everything was just fine until the previous events. Before the events with my grades, everything in my life was perfect. I was happy, I had everything I could wish of. I was healthy. I was good looking and in good shape. I was smart and was doing good in school. I was not the most popular guy in the world, but I had many friends that I could count on. I had a family who loved me and was very supportive. And most of all, I found the love of my life: Ashton Irwin. We met a few months before, but the months passed with him turned out to be the best of my life. And my last thoughts were dedicated to him.

''I hope that you'll forgive me Ashton, I love you,'' I said to myself.

I opened the little orange bottle and swallowed every single pill that it contained. By the time I swallowed the last one, I was already feeling dizzy. This was the end of me. I was feeling myself slowly leaving this world for a better place. I closed my eyes and waited for time to work its magic. I waited for it to take me to this better world.

But it did not work its magic the way I expected it to. When I woke up, I realized that I actually was alive and I was pissed. I understood how Ashton felt, how depressive it could be to miss doing the act that should be the easiest one to do. I looked around me and recognized the environment. I've been there so many times before that it was like a second home. I was in a room of Polar Inc. This time though, I was not a visitor. I was a patient.

A nurse came to see me and explained me everything that happened. She was shccked when she heard what I did to myself. She said that she always thought that I was all happy and that everything was okay with me. Things can change rapidly. She told me how my mother found me laying on the floor of her bathroom. She found me just in time and I was taken to the intensive care of the institute. After they drained all the pills from my stomach, they transfered me to this room where I was going to spend the next few months of my life.

''Do you want me to, eum...tell Mr.Irwin about what happened to you?'' She asked.

Ashton. He was not supposed to know. I did not want him to find me in this bad state. I was worried that he would hate me, that he would yell at me. I did not want him to feel bad about this. I did not want to see his reaction towards my attempt. I did not want to make him sad. I did not want to cause him anymore pain. But he would need to learn about it soon or later since we were both going to live in the same place. But I opted for later.

''No. I'll..I'll go talk to him later,'' I replied weakly.

She nodded before she went on with explaining me the rules on the Institute. I already knew them by heart so I barely listened to her. I just wanted to be alone. She was nice, but I wanted her to leave my room. When she did, I felt a little better. I needed to think about everything. But most of all, I needed to find a way to tell Ashton.

As I was thinking, I saw some people stopping by my room, most of them being very familiar to me. They were all probably curious to know who was the new fucked up who just got admitted. I could not blame them, I just did not pay attention to them. But that was until that one person stopped by my room. I could see the pain on his face and the tears in his eyes. This wasn't going to be easy. I was certain that he was going to yell at me.

''L-Luke?'' Ashton wondered sadly.

''I'm s-sorry,'' I replied as I started crying.

When I thought he was going to yell at me, he didn't. Instead, I felt his arms wrapped around me. I was craving for his comfort. I needed some security, because everything just wasn't okay. But Ashton's hug gave me the little dose of humanity and affection that I was craving for.

''I-I'm sorry. I-I should have noticed that something was w-wrong. Baby, I'm so sorry,'' Ashton said.

''D-Don't blame yourself Ash, please d-don't,'' I replied.

''I'm going t-to take care of you now okay? I will help you...just like you d-did with me,'' he mentionned. ''We are going to be okay. Together. Okay?''

''Okay,'' I said.

''I love you so m-much. Thanks G-God, you're okay,'' Ashton said.

''I love you too,'' I replied.

I did not know if things were going to be okay. I did not know if the pain was going to fade away. I did not know if I would be able to go back to the happy guy I used to be. But one thing I knew is that I loved Ashton. I was so happy that he did not judge me and that he was going to help me. Just like we promised, we were going to be there for each other in our ups and our downs. And it was my turn to let Ashton comfort me and make me want to fight. It was my turn to be his warrior. And with time, I hoped that I was going to make him proud.