Saturday

Ashton's P.O.V.

Everybody has their own lifestory. Some have great ones. They have those personnal stories filled with many adventures and new beginnings. Life always seem to be good to them.

On the other hand, many people in the world have boring and sad stories. They don't do much with their lives and pretty much fail at everything they wish they could accomplish.

I fit in the second category. I'm Ashton Irwin, I'm an 18 years old guy. I'm from Australia and I have one brother and one sister. I have dirty blonde curly hair and hazel brown eyes. You could say I'm the typical young adult guy. That's where you're wrong.

I hate my life. I have always hated everything about. There's nothing to enjoy about it. It all started when I was just a baby. My dad abandonned the whole family, I've never known him properly. It sucks to know that someone already doesn't want anything to do with you when all you can do is cry, poop and drink milk.

My childhood wasn't pleasant. I've always had different tastes than other guys my age. While they would talk about the Ninja Turtles or any other superheroes, I would prefer talking about girl stuff. I prefered playing with Barbie's and other stuff labeled as girl toys than playing with boy toys.

I invited a friend home once. When he saw my toys, he laughed at me and pratically told everyone in my grade. That's where bullying first started. I was only 8 years old. People called me ''Girlboy'' and they didn't want to hang with me. The few friends I had didn't want to be seen around me anymore.

Kids can be cruel, more than anyone else. Everybody that says otherwise is a liar and doesn't know what they're talking about. At the age of 10, I already had suicide thoughts. I was just a young kid, and I wanted to die. When I should have been playing with my friends, I was crying wishing I could disappear.

My family didn't do much about it. My older brother only cared about himself and didn't want to be seen hanging with his little brother. My little sister was just too young to understand. Even if she had been older, I wouldn't have wanted her to stand up for me. It would have been too dangerous for her.

As for the person who gave birth to me, she never said a thing about it. I couldn't call her my mother. She never cared about me. In fact, she would also make fun of me saying she should change my name to Amanda since I was more a girl than a boy.

High school wasn't better than elementary school. It was worst. I entered this big school with no friends at all. I was on my own. People didn't like me because I was different. So bullying continued, only more violent. I got pushed into lockers, got beaten up by the popular kids, got food thrown at me, etc.

It didn't help that I was gay. I kind of always knew I was, but I never came out to anyone. Well, not by myself. There was this one guy on the football team that I fantasize about when I was 14, Josh. I thought he was the most attractive person on Earth.

One night, my brother caught me pleasuring myself as I was moaning Josh's name. It turned out that Josh was one of his friends. He told him and in an hour, all the school knew I was gay. That only made people hating me even more than they already did. High school was my living hell that I could not escape.

I became depressed. I started to cut every single part of my body that I could hide with clothes. Nobody ever knew about it, not my mom, not my sister, not my brother. Almost every night after school, I would lock myself in my bathroom and make myself bleed.

The thoughts of killing myself were getting worst as days went by, until a boy came into my life in Senior Year. I have gone years being by myself, being punched and more. For the first time in forever, I had someone to count on.

It turned out that he was gay as well. He wanted it to be a secret, because he was too scared of the consequences it would have if he came out of the closet. I couldn't blame him.

His name was Calum. He was a new student and was also a Senior. Since we both were gay loners, we started to hang out together and we rapidly became good friends. I would tell him everything and he would do the same.

Calum was the most important person in the world to me. He was my reason to keep fighting. I rapidly developped feelings for him. A few days before Chritsmas, I told him how I felt towards him. Luckily, he felt the same.

So we started dating in secret. Showing the world he was a problem wouldn't have been a problem for me since the whole school already knew I loved boys. But it wasn't his case, and I respected his decision. I was just glad he was mine.

Everything was going for the best. Calum would stand up for me everytime some jerks were bullying me. We would spend all our weekends together since we couldn't hang out after school. It was our moments where we could cuddle, kiss and watch cute movies together.

I could see my future with Calum. I could see ourselves going to College together where we wouldn't have to hide our relationship anymore. I could see ourselves leaving together. I wanted to spend my life with him.

But good things never last. There was one night where Calum and I wanted to take another step into our relationship. I was ready. He had been for a while since I wasn't his first, but he waited for me to be ready.

When we were both naked in bed, what I thought would be a sweet and intimate moment turned into an humiliation. His words will never leave my mind:

Poor Ashton, you really thought I liked you? You're so naive. I have never liked you. All I wanted was to mess with you. Who could love you Ash? You're so pathetic. Nobody loves a guy that cuts. Nobody loves a fat guy like you. You're annoying, ugly and useless.

I learned a few days later that he got paid by the richest popular kid to mess up with me. Someone actually gave him money to break my heart and my whole self. What have I ever done to deserve all of this? All I ever wanted was try to fit in, was it just too much to askf for?

I fell into a bigger depression. I would cut even more. After all, I was just an ugly useless guy who should not live.

On top of that, I became bullimic. I was a big pile of fat. Calum's words made me realize it. He was right when he said that nobody would want someone like me. After he humiliated me, I barely ate. And when I did, I would feel guilty and make myself throw up. I didn't need a single gram of fat in my already big body.

On what seemed to be a typical Tuesday, my destiny changed. That day was the straw that broke the camel's back. Not only did I get punched and verbally abused, I also got thrown in a trashcan and locked in a locker.

My mind was made up when I came back home that night. I would never go back to school. In fact, I knew there would be no tomorrow. I didn't want to live anymore. And that time, I meant it.

I cut myself deeply all over my arms and wrists. There was blood everywhere. I knew it wouldn't take time until I would be dead. Nobody would find me. I knew I soon would be gone for a better place: heaven.

Unfortunately, I never reached heaven. I woke up in a small room with white walls. It hit me and I realized that I was still alive. I failed at doing the easiest thing in the world. I failed at taking my own life away.

The nurse explained to me where I was and why I was here. I have been admitted in Polar Inc., a mental institute in Sydney for young adults. I have been admitted for depression, suicidal thoughts and bullimia.

I couldn't tell how long I would be stuck in there. But maybe being away from everything would do me good. Maybe they would help me getting better. Maybe they would make me want to fight.

On the other hand, I didn't want to live. Nothing said that I couldn't attempt again when I would get out of there. And that time, I wouldn't fail.