Tomorrow's Money

I immediately felt bad about what I'd told Gerard. How could I be so cruel? He was just trying to save my future, he was being responsible and I.. I flipped out. That was stupid.. So stupid. I wanted to call him back and apologize, tell him how I overreacted, how irrational I was being. I even tried a few times, but his phone was off. That was the first time I felt the sharp pain of his absence.

I went to school the next day, only to find a new teacher in Gerard's place. He really did leave. My heart dropped and I thought I was going to be sick. I couldn't bring myself to finish the class and skipped the rest of the day. "What have I done? What the actual fuck did I do?" I kept thinking. I drove him away. I made everything so much worse than it had to be. I was sorry, but he'd never know.

I let myself drown in self pity for a few days, which was really uncalled for, before returning to private school. It was like I'd never left. I hung out with the same people, went to the same classes, had the same routine. It was like Gerard didn't exist, except I knew he did and knew he was gone from my life and everything seemed to spiral out of control and I was stuck in a rut and my mind was constantly racing as fast as this sentence is to be read and then one night everything. Stopped.

My mind didn't race anymore. My hands didn't tremble. I didn't cry. I didn't stare at his phone number. I was numb. I came to terms with the fact that he was never coming back, and that I would never get to say sorry. I had to move on with my life, and so I decided to start a journal, to document how I felt so maybe I could get some relief. I didn't talk to anyone anymore, not even Tiffany. SO my journal was the only that got to know everything.

Journal Entry One
Well, I suppose I'll start writing, seeing as I've shut out my best friend. I just can't be around her anymore, she's always with Mikey. I think it's great that they're finally together, but every time I see Mikey I think about Gerard and I get this sick feeling in my stomach and I want to ask Mikey if he's heard from Gerard but.. I can't. So I make sure to stay away.

I've written a lot of letters to Gerard, explaining how I feel and how sorry I am and I think I'll copy one into the journal that I wrote a few days ago. Writing to him makes me feel better for a little while, even though I know he'll never get the letters. Anyway, this was the letter I wrote most recently;

"Gerard,

I'm so sorry. I overreacted, I shouldn't have said those things to you. I know you were just trying to protect us, I understand what you meant. I was just hurt, I couldn't imagine being dumped by you. It felt terrible and I wanted you to feel equally as terrible.

I know you hate me, and understandably so. But maybe we'll see each other again somehow and I can tell you how sorry I am. Maybe we'll somehow meet again and I can hug you one last time. I know, this is terribly pathetic, writing letters to you that you'll never get. But what else do I do?

I miss you. You've been gone for about a month now, but I still don't feel much better. I haven't gotten over you and I'm not sure that I ever will. I need to know that life goes on without you, but I don't think I'll ever really feel like my life has gone forward. I think a piece of my will always be stuck in the past with you. I really did love you, and I don't like to admit it but I still do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be this bothered by your absence.

Anyway, I hope you come back one day, and I hope by then you'll have everything you ever wanted. I love you Gerard, and I am probably doomed to love you for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry.

~Lily"

So if that's not pathetic, I don't know what is. I have to move on, because if I don't, I'm going to be sad forever. I will live without you Gerard. I will find a way.

I felt slightly better, writing everything down, though it didn't stop the slow moving memories in my head. I felt stupid, we weren't even together very long.. But what I felt was real, I knew that much. Maybe I'd move on one day, but that day wouldn't come for a long time..