Tomorrow's Money

Guilt.

Undeniable, relentless. Guilt.

It was a a part of my daily life, especially since leaving Wil. I'd already known that if Gerard hadn't come back, I would still be living with him, living in that same old routine, living with the boredom, the sadness, and most importantly, the thoughts circulating the subject of what my life would have been like had Gerard and I been able to stay together. I always tried to pretend that I wasn't miserable, but Heaven knows I was.

Another part of me sat with another circulating thought, concerning Wil, and if things would have ever changed for the better. My brain said "Yes, maybe." but my heart was screaming otherwise. Did I really know that things would never change? Yes, in a sense I did, but admitting it was not in my plan, not until Gerard came back with a reality check from hell. He, himself, just showing up was a reality check. I questioned everything, even though I already knew the answers. Leaving Wil was the right thing to do in my heart, but a part of me kept wanting to run back to the safety net that was him. Although I wanted what was already happening, my anxiety pulled me down, trying to drag me back to the life I'd only just escaped from.

Dealing with this new anxiety was difficult for me, as I didn't want Gerard to know what was going on in my head, as to not hurt his feelings somehow. But who else would I talk to? As the days went on, I kept quiet around Gerard for this reason, I didn't want to tell him how scared I was to just give into him and his love like I wanted so desperately. I even found myself muttering things to the baby while I played with her when Gerard wasn't around. The pressure was getting to me and I knew I was soon going to snap. Either that or Gerard would see that I wasn't being very social with him, which I suspected he already had.

Four days into the babysitting experience, I lost it. As hard as I tried not to, I completely caved. Holding all of this in was getting the best of me and I hated treating Gerard this way, turning down his offers to watch movies and play video games and draw together. I wanted to do all of those things, but I was too afraid he'd know something was wrong and ask me. I just didn't want him to think that I didn't want to be with him.

I plopped myself down on the couch around 1 AM, shortly after changing into shorts and a tank top to wear to bed. I wrapped myself in a throw blanket and turned on the TV. Audrey was oddly still awake in her baby swing, watching the TV with me. I was surprised at how well behaved she was, she hardly ever cried, only when she was hungry or wet or wanted attention. She was very content generally, which made my life a lot easier. Except this night. For some reason, she was fussy and sleepy but she refused to sleep. I had tried rocking her and walking around with her and bouncing her lightly but nothing seemed to work. I'd given up and let the swing do all the work.

"What's going on?" I heard a voice call from the front door. Gerard had been out on a late night Wal-Mart trip to get some things for his mom for the morning.

"She's just fussy and tired. I can't get her to sleep." I said with a sigh. I felt a little defeated and I really didn't know what to do. Maybe she just wanted Tiffany.

"Want some help?" He offered. He hadn't had any experience with this yet. I had always been the one to take care of bed time, while Gerard took care of meals. We had our own little system to split the work, but I wasn't doing so well holding up my end at the moment.

"If you want. I don't know what will help." I shrugged. I was tired and ready to give up, but, of course, you can't really just give up and go to bed when you're caring for a baby.

Gerard bent down to her level and stopped her swing, smiling at her sweetly. "Come on Ducky." He said as he picked her up. I wasn't sure where he'd gotten the name Ducky but he'd been calling her that since the first time he held her. Audrey's whines slowed and hushed at his touch, which surprised me as she'd been whining for almost two hours. "There we go." He cooed. He looked so serene and natural, like fathering a child, even just temporarily, was in his nature. He sat next to me on the couch, coddling Audrey as her whimpers became silent and she'd seemed to forget why she was ever upset in the first place. She snuggled into his arms and shut her eyes, as if she was relived, like she'd just been waiting on him the whole time.

"How did you do that?" I whispered, a little jealous she slept so soundly and easily for him.

"All I did was pick her up. Maybe she just wanted to chill with Uncle G." He winked and let out a small laugh. He looked down at his Ducky and admired her while I admired him. He was so gentle and loving toward her, I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if he were an actual father. I found some sort of comfort in his presence, but at the same time I felt guilty about it because of the situation I was in.

"Would you mind if I talked to you about something? I really just can't hold this in anymore." I said, already feeling my throat tighten and eyes sting. I held it back, remaining calm, but something in me was ready to break, and I saw it coming.

"Sure, let me put her down quick." He said, taking Audrey to her bed, and quickly returning to his spot next to me. "What is it?" He asked.

"Just.. I need you to not assume anything, okay? Just hear me out." I paused, trying to collect my thoughts and spew them out in a somewhat rational way. "I've been having a ton of anxiety lately. I haven't even talked to my parents since I left Wil, they have no idea what's going on. And Honestly, Gerard, I'm so afraid to love you because I know what's going to happen once I give into it. My family is going to hate me, everyone I love with going to turn their back on me. It just hurts and I want to be with you and I feel so pressured into living the way everyone else wants me to live and I'm sick and tired of all of this and I don't know what to do." As I went on, my tone became more shrill and my words fused together faster and I almost let those tears fall, but held them back miraculously.

"Hey hey hey.." He said, hushed and soothing. I'd barely ever seen this relaxed, calming side to him, but I liked it. "Don't panic."

"I'm not panicking." I burst out, a little too loud, a little too fast.

"Yes, you are." He said, slow and careful. "And it's okay, you have a reason to panic. I get it." He smiled, trying to show me things were okay. "But if your family is going to shut you out because you don't want to live in their perfect, fantasy life they have for you, then what does that tell you? Because it tells me that they don't want you to be happy, they want you to live their way so they can live through you and gain social status. That's all it is is a competition of whose kid is the most perfect like them." He seemed irritated, but not by me. I could obviously see he was irritated with how these people I called my parents made me feel. I was shaking, nervous, knowing I would have to tell them, and soon. But Gerard's words were inspiring, although he was just inspiring by nature.

"How do I know that things are going to be okay?" I asked, finally letting go of the tears I had been holding back, though only softly letting them fall, afraid to draw too much attention to it.

He grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes and said "Because I'm here now and I'm not leaving you again, not if you don't want me to. And I know that just saying I'll be there probably isn't that comforting, but I'm going to damn well do my best to make you happy."

"No, that's great." I laughed through subtle tears. "That's actually really comforting, exactly what I needed to hear."

"And what are you going to do now?" He asked, hope floating around in his brilliant hazel eyes.

"Well, I'm going to kiss you, see where things go from there." I said, making it all sound so casual. "And then I'm going to go to bed, wake up in the morning next to you, and I'm going to march over to my mother and tell her exactly what I want to do with my life."

"Sounds like a hell of a plan." He said, sort of trailing off as he leaned in close and closed the conversation (and gap between us, mind you) by placing a soft kiss on my cheek. I turned his head, somewhat forcefully, and planted a long, hard, not so graceful kiss on his gorgeous mouth. I pushed him back on the couch to crawl on top of him, never breaking contact. I tangled my fingers through his constantly knotted hair once more, pulling it slightly. I somehow felt there was nothing I could do to get close enough. I bit his lip and lightly tugged on it, somehow expressing a desperation that was growing inside me. Yes, desperate, that's how I felt, and the urgency quickly built and I suddenly found it hard to breathe through shaking hands and nervous kisses.

I could feel his hands tremble as well, one on my back and the other on my thigh, daring to sneak under my shorts. I pulled the blanket up over us and quickly continued my urgent kisses. He started kissing my neck, biting softly every once in a while. He knew he was driving me crazy and all I could do was give into him.

His hand traveled to seemingly perfect places, making let out a small, almost inaudible moan. I was afraid someone was going to hear us, as everyone was in the house, just in their own beds. It was risky and terrifying, but it was also everything my body and heart screamed for. How could I turn him down? I pulled his head up to kiss him again, probably even harder than before. I hadn't even wondered if it hurt him, my mind was too foggy and I knew I wasn't hurting, I was completely in my own personal heaven.

He rolled over on top of me, too impatient to not take control. My mind raced and I had somehow never been so in love, but of course that was probably the lust talking, or maybe that's just what he did to me. Lately I'd felt like I'd never been so in love every time we talked or touched or even made eye contact. He was such a gorgeous human being too, everything about him screamed "I'm sexy as hell" but his modesty was the icing on the cake.

I was so lost in what was happening that I hadn't even noticed anyone was around until the third time an irritated "Hello!" Had been given.

"Oh, God, Ray." I stuttered, though unable to sit up due to Gerard's weight on top of me. "I'm so sorry." I said, trying to hold back a giggle.

"Yeah real sorry man." Gerard said, kissing my neck again, though slowly now, sort of waiting for Ray to leave.

"Oh yeah I can tell by the way it's still happening!" He said, making Gerard laugh against my sensitive skin which, in turn, sent shivers down my spine. I could feel him smiling against me, though still not stopping what he was doing.

"Hey, that's rude. Come on." I laughed as Gerard groaned, unhappily. He placed his arms on either side of me to hold himself up, though still hovering over me, leaving this intoxicating smell of cigarettes, coffee, and a hint of body spray.

"So are you going to get over it and walk away or do you want to sit outside with me while I smoke?" Gerard asked Ray, rather blunt and slightly annoyed, though he still seemed to be in a pretty good mood.

"I'll meet you outside. Get rid of that boner first though, I don't need to see that." He laughed, walking away.

The comment made me blush but didn't seem to phase Gerard at all. "I'm sorry." I whispered to him, feeling bad this happened again.

"That's okay sugar." He quickly kissed my lips one more time before getting up. He readjusted his pants to make his, uh, problem, a little less noticeable. (But how could you miss it?) "I'll be back. Why don't you get to bed, okay? I'll be there in a minute."

"Okay." I said, watching him put on his leather jacket and stepping outside, a cigarette already in his mouth. I went to the room we'd been staying in, Frank sleeping in his normal spot on an air mattress on the floor. I made sure I'd taken the baby monitor with me and had it on loud, and crawled into bed, heart still racing, hands still shaking. I was so anxious for him to come to bed, although I knew we weren't going to be doing what we were earlier, I just couldn't wait for him to come back. I loved how I felt around him and I wanted him. It was desperate and stupid, but it was definitely love.

About 40 minutes went by before he came in. He looked tired and maybe even a little irritated. "You okay?" I asked, wondering what happened outside.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired is all." He cuddled up next to me, not even bothering to change out of his day clothes.

We sat in silence for some time, generally just enjoying being where we were. The silence was too soon broken by the little cries coming form the baby monitor. "I'll get it." Gerard murmured, sitting up and forcing his tired body out of bed.

"I can get it." I quickly got up and followed him out of the room into Audrey's temporary room. He picked her up carefully, lovingly, and rocked her back and forth for a moment, calming her down. I could see the care and fondness in his drooping eyes, which, of course, made me feel bad about him still being up. "Gerard, I can take care of her. You're tired, go get some sleep." I said, rubbing his arm comfortingly.

"That's okay, I'm already up anyway." He shrugged, taking the baby to the kitchen to heat up the already made bottle he would feed to Audrey.

"You're getting attached to her." I said, giggling a bit. It made me happy, his growing love for her.

"No I'm not." He denied, although it was way too obviously a lie. "I can't anyway." He said, seeming to get a little upset.

"Why not? She's your niece, you're supposed to love her!" I pointed out, not really understanding what he was talking about.

"I know that, and I do love her, but I can't get to attached." He said, slowly handing her off to me to grab the bottle from the microwave. "Because if I get too close to her, and Tiffany ends up not wanting to stay with Mikey, I'll never get to see her and it'll be a whole lot of heartache that I don't really want to deal with." He handed me the bottle and sat next to me at the counter.

"Don't think like that." I said, not wanting to look at him, knowing the look on his face. "Everything is going to be fine." We sat through another round of silence before Audrey fell asleep, bottle in mouth. I put her back to bed and went to sleep in the bed I shared with Gerard, few to no words said again that night.

The next morning I was rudely awakened by a frantic, worried Gerard. "Lily get up, now." He said, urgently while shaking me awake.

"What the hell?" I sat up and met his eyes, nervous.

"Living room." He said, keeping his voice quiet.

I got up and went out to the living room, afraid of what I would find. My parents sat on the couch, angry and stern looking. "Hi." I greeted nervously.

"When the hell were you going to tell us you broke up with William?" My mother spat.

"Well.." I stared looking for a lie as I slowly sat down on the couch.

"And when were you going to mention that you're already seeing another man?" Dad asked, just as pissed off and ready to explode as his wife.

"There's a long story behind that." I tried to defend.

"Oh?" Mom interjected. "And what happened to our plan for you? You were set for life Lilian!" She started getting louder. "And you gave it all away for this.. This.." She stuttered for a moment, trying to think of words nasty enough to fit her image of the man I loved. "Poor, disgusting.. Miserable excuse for a man?"

"Stop." I demanded, instantly angry. "First of all, I left Wil because I wasn't happy with him. My life was boring and so terribly routine! You have no idea how depressed that life made me. And Second, Gerard isn't any of those things. He's perfect for me. Why don't you understand that? He;s everything I've ever wanted! He's passionate and artistic and he actually.." I was soon cut off by the harsh words of the angriest mother I'd ever seen.

"There is nothing good about a man who sleeps with a student of his! Especially an underage one!" She burst.

"Wil told you, didn't he?" I said after a moment of silence.

"He told us everything." She scolded, trying to make me feel as awful as possible. "I know he wasn't 19 when we met him, I know he was your teacher, and I know you left your perfect life for him. You're going back." She demanded, as if she owned me.

"Excuse me?" I said, quietly, not even believing what I was hearing.

"Get your things. You're going to go apologize to William and continue the path we've set for you." It was very obviously a threat, the danger in her voice made that very clear.

"Fuck you." I said, quiet and calm. It was the first time I had ever defied them, ever told them anything other than what they wanted to hear. Before my mother could even speak I cut her off, angry. "Fuck you and everything you just. I'm over 18. I can do what I want. I don't have to listen to you people anymore. I want to be with Gerard, and I will be. I'm moving away with him and you're never going to see me again." I knew how childish it sounded, but I had just made up my mind about leaving. What did I have left? There was no reason to give up the man I loved for people who wanted nothing more than control over me.

"You disgusting fucking whore." My dad said, breaking his long silence.

"What?" I asked, caught off guard. I had never been talked to that way by anyone before, let alone my father. I felt sick, guilt and anxiety taking hold of me. How could a man say that to his daughter?

"You heard me. We worked hard our whole lives for you and you just fucked it all up for some perverted ex-teacher. Well you listen here cunt.." He started but was cut off by the most pissed off Gerard I had ever seen.

"No you fucking listen!" He stood between my father and me, seemingly ready to take a punch already. He had tried his hardest to stay out of it as it wasn't really his place to interject, but something in him snapped and he had lost all self control he'd held onto. "That's your daughter and she loves you. Do you know the damage you've already caused just by saying those few words?" His voice quieted, though still dark and sarcastic. "Oh that's right, you don't care because you aren't going to be the one to help her through this, are you? You won't be the one picking up the pieces when she falls apart. I will. And do you know why? I'll fucking tell you. It's because I give a damn about her. But that's the difference between you and me, isn't it? You just want her around because you benefit something from it, and I want her around because we honestly just enjoy being together. You're forcing her to go be with a guy she doesn't want to be with even though she already has someone she wants! How could you do that to her?"

"We do it because William is good for her. He's wealthy and can take care of her properly, send her to a good school. You on the other hand are worthless and pathetic. You can't even afford to take care of yourself, how could you take care of her? No, you see I do love my daughter, it's obvious because I want what is best for her. You are the one who doesn't love her, because if you did, you'd have told her to stay with William. You'll never be good enough for her, and neither will your bank account." The gloating look on my father's face made me want to scream, but Gerard somehow stayed calm. His whole demeanor changed and I could see something that was said made him feel totally different about everything.

"Get out or I'll call the cops." He said, quiet, hurt. My parents left without another word, although the look on their faces were victorious.

"Gerard I'm so sorry." I wasn't sure why I was apologizing. Maybe it was because I knew no one else would, or because I felt I had to.

"I have to go." He said, making his way to the front door.

"Wait, where are you going?" I asked, grabbing his arm, afraid he'd leave and not come back again.

"Don't worry sugar, I'll be back soon. " He said, half smiling, making me feel little better. He kissed my forehead and left, leaving me with my jumbled thoughts. What a horrible way to start the day..