Take the Ride

My head was rolling with the possibilities. The last thing any of us wanted was to be locked into a institution, much less to lose the power of being. Sure, I tried to exit this world, who cares? I was going to live my life the way I had always lived, however I wanted to. Selfish and egotistical? Possibly. Rational and completely liable? Yes. My madness was a gift to the masses, something that I wanted them to see. I could do whatever I wanted to me, I could ruin myself and they couldn’t touch me. That was my belief until suicide watch. You get a kind lady nurse who walks in and looks at you like a three armed beast on the climax of a bloody ambush. I didn’t want that look, not her pathetic sympathy or pity. She asks you to put on a nice hospital gown and wait for analysis. Who needs analysis, you all think I’m fucking nuts? The hospital cold and stench of death circling through the hallways. This places holds life and death, and those like me, who are questioning their motivation to even continue.
The heavy, white door unlocks and two nurses escort me to be searched. Yes, I have to strip naked for the third time of the night. Honestly, this facility was a joke to me. Sure, they could sit here and try to get me to rationalize my decision and observe my “diseased” brain, but they could never make me change my opinion on my beliefs. Being declared mentally ill was the pinnacle of the night, I had known that for a while. Expecting me to take it as a surprise, I sat under the fluorescent lights and laughed. What was I supposed to? Weep and sob because I decided to try and go out with a bang? No. I was given some clothes to sleep in for the night, refusing to wear them. I wanted my stuff, everything that belonged to me. I wasn’t allowed to have my shoes because I might asphyxiate myself with the shoe strings. I was tired of their sick smiles and scrubs, smiling at me like everything was alright.
This is what they do, I told myself, they fool you into thinking they’re your friend and stick two probes to your forehead and shock your brain to jelly. I refused to sign any papers they gave me, so legally, they couldn’t treat me. They could shove that where the sun didn't shine. I wasn’t going to give in to their pressure. This institution wasn’t my friend, it was my enemy and I declare war.