I'll Jump for You Bill Kaulitz

Tara’s POV

I changed my ringtone to Rat is Dead by Cansei De Ser Sexy. That made me feel better, just a little.

It was and early August morning, cool and crisp, when we started loading things into the moving van. My mom was crying like crazy inside and couldn’t bare to carry anything out. She didn’t want to see me leave. And I was a weakling, so I left everything to Cam and my padre.

“Is there gonna be room for all this stuff?” Cam asked.

“Well we’ve got two bedrooms that are really small. We’re just stuffing our beds in there and then one room will have like all our bureaus and closets, like a walk-in closet or whatever. So yeah there will be a place for all this junk,” I explain, sipping some lemonade and watching them load the small U-Haul truck. We’d be driving over to Deidre’s then so she could load up her stuff in there.

“Did you say goodbye to Bea?” Cam asked as he loaded a lamp into the back of the truck.

“Nope.”

“Tara, seriously, she’s you’re best friend.”

“Correction, she was. Not anymore.”

Cam sighed. “Just forgive her already.”

I shook my head. Really I didn’t know why I was so difficult.

“You’re gonna miss her and you know it,” Cam said as he came out with another piece of furniture.

“Nope.”

“Yes.”

“No Cam I’m not.”

He rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need friends like her. Anyway, you’re gonna come and visit me right?”

“I’m getting my license this year, so, maybe…” he teased. “It’s too far away. I’m gonna have no money for gas.”

“Make mom and dad go with you. You can drive and they can pay for gas.”

“Mom and dad will not trust me behind the wheel of a car.”

“Fine, you can ride along with them,” I laughed.

It felt really good to be carefree again. I had almost completely left them behind.

Soon it was time to go. I tearfully hugged my mom and dad goodbye.

I hugged Cam goodbye. “Take care of yourself sis.”

“Survive the rest of high school ass wipe,” I messed up his hair.

“Hey!” he yelled.

“Love you too little bro.”

“Make good choices honey!” my mom yelled as I got into my car.

I waved goodbye to my home forever and started off towards the city. I could still see my fam in the rearview mirror. Oh God, my heart was racing. I really was leaving forever. Nah, I’d visit in the summer.

My heart skipped when I drove past Bea’s house. Jeez I had expected to spend every second with her before I went to college. Surprisingly I had spent all my time with my other friends, the preppy ones mind you and not any slutty emo girls.

The U-Haul truck followed me to the apartment building where Deidre lived with her rents.

Her stuff had already been brought to the sidewalk by the time I got there and it was easy to load it in the back.

“Hey sexy,” Deidre said as she got into the passenger’s seat.

“Not lookin’ too bad yourself,” I smiled and started up the car and blasted the radio.

“You ready?” she asked. Deidre was lookin a little pale actually. Scared.

“Hell no,” I laughed.

“Ah good we feel the same,” she waved to her mom from the car and we started off.

She popped in the Cute is What we Aim For CD and I blasted it up to full volume as we got onto the highway, following the U-Haul truck to New York.

This was actually happening. I let out a deep breath. The next part of my life was beginning.

Deidre took out her CD case as we got on the highway. “Hey, do you like Tokio Hotel?”

Good thing my glasses lens’ were too dark for her to see my eyes.

“I’ve never heard of them,” I lied. That was probably the biggest lie I’d said in my life and it really hurt me.

“They’re amazing. The guitarist and the lead singer are twins but the guitarist is way cuter. The lead singer is supposedly gay but he’s got amazing hair.

She flashed a pic of Bill in front of my face and I looked away fast. “I’m trying to drive Deidre.”

“Duh, sorry,” she giggled. “I mean, I don’t even know how I like them. They’re this German emo rock band and I’m like really preppy. Probably cause Tom is just so hot.”

“Who’s Tom?” Hey, he was the guy that slept with my ex-best friend. Yeah, I remembered him. Well I might as well play along. Pretend I hadn’t been a fangirl just a week ago, Bill pictures covering my walls. Thank God Cam did something with those. It sorta hurt that they were gone though. I’d been collecting them for four years.

“The guitarist. He is so hot,” she shoved a pic of Tom in my face but pulled it back fast. “Sorry, driving. You mind if I put in their CD?”

Yes, I do mind a lot. “Nope.”

I hadn’t listening to anything Tokio Hotel since that night and well I didn’t wish to start listening again.

Scream was first. The volume was turned up all the freaking way and I thought my ears were gonna bleed. If I had to listen to this all the way to New York and then every day in the apartment thereafter I knew I had to find a new roommate. Or, I would just have to explain things to Deidre.

I wondered how Deidre didn’t know I was gone for like three days. I thought she knew I’d gone to Rome to see them. Didn’t my mom tell her when she called? Well, whatever. I wouldn’t waste time explaining.

Ready, Set, Go was next and I was really really tempted to start singing along.

“Haven’t you heard this song on TRL? It’s been on the Countdown for weeks,” Deidre explained.

Fifteen days to be exact.

“I must have missed it or something,” I lied, again. Uh if she found out I was lying she probably wasn’t going to trust me ever again.

“It’s been on the radio too.”

I shrugged. Just leave me in peace. Please.

“They’re like really popular in Europe too, well duh, since they’re from Germany. They’ve had like five number one hits in Germany. Two CDs out in German too. They’ve come to take over America man! Aren’t they good?”

Monsoon was on. “Yeah, they’re okay.”

Oh no, I knew Love is Dead was next. Shit, that always made me cry. And I would probably cry more now that the song had meaning to me. Sacred was no longer me and Bill’s song. Our song was Love is Dead. Didn’t it fit everything perfectly?

“I hold your letter in my frozen hand, the last line was long…” I was sorta mouthing the words, just a little so that Deidre wouldn’t see me.

“We die when love is dead, it’s killed me. We lost a dream we never had. The world in silence and should forever feel alone. Cause we are gone and we will never overcome. It’s over now,” Fuck that did fit us perfect. I was crying at Bill’s voice and my eyes were really blurry. Thank God there were no cars or trucks around us on the highway.

I reached the CD button and ejected it. I couldn’t stand to listen to it anymore because I knew I would cry when Sacred came on four songs later.

“Don’t you like them?” Deidre pouted.

“They’re terrible. Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I won’t blast it at the apartment, I promise.”

That was good. I wouldn’t have to run away then.

We made it to NYC late in the day. About halfway we had switched and Deidre drove the rest of the way there.

I loved New York. I just loved cities in general, and it reminded me of Chicago, so I was happy. Our apartment was on the outskirts of Manhattan, not too far from Colombia, where all of our roommates were going too.

I was the first one to get up to the apartment. The kitchen was the first thing you saw, after a little hallway, and it was really small. There was a cute Eh, I didn’t plan on eating much.

The living room was off to the left, small, but I’d be able to fit my flat screen in there perfectly. It was an older apartment, built in the twenties, but the walls were all a gray-white color, and it had wood floors everywhere but the living room.

Then there were the two bedrooms, as big as my closet at home. There would be no floor space, only room for our beds, but there were these amazing built-in shelves that went from the floor to the ceiling and they all ranged in size. There was a perfect one for my laptop and all my school books, there were so many shelved I could put all my clothes in them, and then my makeup could be in one and I could put a huge mirror in the next. Ah I was sure liking being an adult so far.

The other bedroom was exactly the same.

And the bathroom, well, let’s say it was extremely small and there was only one. It was an old bathtub, which was quite small, a disgusting toilet, old crappy tiles and a pedestal sink with a small medicine cabinet and a rack for towels.

We met our two other roommates there too as we loaded our things into the small apartment. Sarah-Deidre’s second cousin, who was from Pennsylvania, was small and pretty, with light brown hair like Deidre and big brown eyes. Jeni, Sarah’s friend, was tall and athletic-looking, and moved most of the furniture into the apartment by default. She was pretty and had naturally curly hair that she put back in a ponytail and blue eyes that were like ice. I was sure she could be really pretty if she were like less tomboyish, but I knew that wasn’t gonna change. She was here for sport’s medicine and she already had a spot on the varsity soccer team.

By the end of the day we were all pooped and looked too crappy to go out to eat so we just went to Starbucks for some coffees and those awesome sandwiches they have. And of course, there were Starbucks on like every street in NYC, and thank God, there was one right at the end of ours. I would be going there every day.

I couldn’t believe how fast things were going, and we talked about that at Starbucks as we drank our Frappacinos.

“I mean it feels like yesterday was the first day of high school,” Jeni sighed. “Is college gonna be even faster?”

“That’s what everyone says,” I replied.

“Damn,” Deidre scrunched up her nose. “College is supposed to be the time of our lives girls. We’re miles away from our parents and all rules! We gotta live it up as much as we can!”

“And not fail so we can get a good job!” I added as we raised our cups.

“Cheers to that,” Sarah said.

The Starbucks was practically empty and the girl called to us from behind the counter, “Hey, you girls need jobs?”

“Heck yes,” we all said.

“Here, we’re hiring,” the girl handed us some applications.

We filled out the applications and handed them to the girl. “We’ll call you guys probably tomorrow and you’ll be working by the end of the week.”

“Making coffee, how fun will this be?” I cried as we walked out of Starbucks toward our apartment building.

“We’ve got two weeks before school starts girls,” Sarah sighed, and we all linking arms on the way back to the apartment.

“Are you implying something about shopping?” Deidre wondered aloud.

“Possibly,” Sarah replied and we started to laugh.

We all knew it wouldn’t be possible. We’d be broke for awhile buying all these college books and the rent for the apartment. And gas for my car, and Sarah’s car-those were our sources of transportation. Even on full ride scholarships we’d be broke.

“So, who calls the shower first?” Jeni asked.

We all raised our hands.

“We’re gonna have to come up with a fucking schedule for that thing so we don’t kill each other to get in there!” I cried.

They all looked at me funny.

“What?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Don’t curse!” Sarah said.

“Well, just don’t use that word. It’s not nice,” Jeni pouted.

“Oh..ok…I won’t.” I had been so used to cursing all I wanted around Bea. I mean, she cursed nonstop. This was gonna be hard.

That night, all hyped up on coffee, we sat in our living room and talked about our lives, getting to know each other.

Tokio Hotel had been a big part of my life, what had happened had been an even bigger part, but I had to keep that away from them. I mean, Tokio Hotel had been my life. Without it my life wasn’t too interesting. And it wasn’t as I tried to explain myself to them. It was clear there was something missing.

When we were done with the basic stuff Deidre asked, “Okay, are any of you guys virgins?”

Jeni slowly raised her hand.

“Jeni!” Sarah elbowed her. “You said you weren’t.”

“I never said that!” she giggled.

“Well, for the rest of us we’ll go around and say who our first time was and how old we were. Kay?”

“Kay,” Sarah said, and I reluctantly agreed. No…no I would have to make up some name. Damn.

“Ok, well I was 16, a late one, and it was with my boyfriend, who is still my boyfriend now, Jake Harrison,” Deidre explained with a giggle. “Okay, Sarah’s turn!”

Sarah went red. “It took me awhile. I was like 17 and a half, and it was with my boyfriend of the time, Greg Flynn. I broke up with him like two weeks ago cause he cheated on me.”

“Oh!” me and Deidre said, feeling bad for her.

“Psh, that was old news,” Jeni sighed. I knew this conversation was probably hard for her too, cause she was still a virgin.

Hm…I was next.

“Your turn Tara,” Jeni said.

I sighed and shook my head. “Ok, well it was actually just like last Saturday…or Sunday…depending on which way you look at it,” awkward cough, “and…yeah.”

“Who was it with, Tara?” Deidre looked at me mischievously.

“I don’t…”

“Your boyfriend?” Sarah asked.

I shook my head.

“One of your guy friends?” Deidre asked.

“No…”

“Did you even know him?” Sarah was looking at me funny.

I felt my face get red. “Yeah, I knew him for a few years,” and that wasn’t a lie.

“Then just tell us!” Deidre cried.

“I can’t!” I yelled.

“Why not?” Deidre asked, yelling.

“My God! Leave her alone!” Jeni yelled. “Clearly she doesn’t wanna talk about it.”

I left the room and ran into my room. I couldn’t hide under the covers, I hadn’t unpacked those yet, but I did bury my face in my mattress to stop the tears.

Someone plopped down next to me. I hoped it was Jeni. She understood.

I suddenly had a huge urge for home. Jeni reminded me of Cam, comforting me when I cried even if she didn’t know what was going on. And home was a safe place, my room had always been a safe place and now I had one that I shared with Deidre. I didn’t see how that was a safe place.

“They were torturing you out there I could see it,” Jeni let out a deep breath.

I looked up at her.

“I have a secret too. You tell me yours and I’ll tell you mine?” she was really kind. I could tell I was gonna bond with her. If only she were majoring in journalism rather than Sarah.

I nodded. “Um…you know the band Tokio Hotel?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of them,” she replied.

“Well, they were a big part of my life. Big fangirl I was,” I let out a deep breath. This was hard. “I mean every minute of the day was about them. I was obsessed with Bill Kaulitz. So I won a trip to see them in Rome, my best friend Bea came with me, and we got to meet them and everything. Bea and Tom, the guitarist, hit it off and I was really pissed cause everyone was ignoring me. Well, I got really annoyed, ran back to the hotel, and then Bill came to see what was wrong. Basically Bea and Tom slept together and so did me and Bill.”

Jeni just stared at me open-mouthed. “Wow.”

“Yeah, you probably don’t believe me.”

“No, no I do.”

“I told it really fast, so it’s not quite believable sounding,” I said.

“And well why don’t you like to talk about it? Isn’t it a good thing?” she asked.

I shrugged. “I mean it was the first time for both of us. I should have been happy. And I was until I walked in on Bea and Bill making out. Later Bea told me that they were all playing truth or dare and really I don’t know what to believe. I haven’t talked to either of them since then.”

“Oh Tara you have to call them! Now damnit!” she yelled.

“I can’t Jeni. I got over it.”

Jeni pointed to my scarred-up hand. “I can see.”

“No, I overreacted. I’m not emo I swear.”

“I understand,” Jeni pulled back the sleeve of her sweatshirt, showing me some pretty old scars on her wrist. “I was…raped, when I was thirteen. It was the only way I knew how to deal.”

“Well my problems are nothing compared to that!” I cried.

“But there is a way to fix your problems Tara! You have to call them!” Jeni pleaded.

“I was having a hard enough time forgetting about them. Please I’m almost over it.”

Jeni shook her head sadly. “Hey, is it okay if me and Deidre switch? We should totally share rooms.”

“Yes please!” I cried and hugged her. I felt tears in my eyes again.

“It’s gonna hurt forever Tara if you don’t do anything about it. You’ll forget not doing anything. Forgive them,” Jeni whispered.

Maybe…