Nirvana

“You’re so not listening to me.” Harley was brought back to reality when James stated this from where he was sitting at the bar.

“Sure I was. You were talking about…your next road trip.” She said quickly, trying to save herself.

James let out a small chuckle and informed her, “That was ten minutes ago.”

Her cheeks flushed and she went back to doing bottle inventory under the bar. She looked up only for a moment when the door chimed and saw Emma and Shea walking in. Smirking Harley called out, “Baby in a bar, excellent parenting.”

“I think we all already know I’m not gonna win mother of the year.” Emma stated, hiking Hannah up further on her hip before she held up a paper bag and told Harley, “If I were you I wouldn’t be saying those things when I come bearing food.”

Harley instantly popped up from behind the bar, her eyes scanning the bag in Emma’s hand before she asked, “Is that from-“

Emma interrupted her, “Yes and Tony wanted to know where you’ve been lately. Apparently you haven’t ordered delivery in quite some time.” Emma placed the bag on the bar beside James and fished through her pockets before tossing a new take out menu at Harley and saying, “I told him you were shacked up now.”

Curiously James peeked into the bag before turning to Harley and asked, “You’re on a first name basis with your delivery guy?”

She shrugged and pulled a carton of fries out of the bag with a smile before stating, “They make the best burgers. That’s all I have to say.”

“Still weird.” James stated, stealing one of the fries from the carton.

“There are worse things than knowing your delivery guys first name. I could be a serial killer, or a baby snatcher.” Harley stated with a shrug, tossing Emma the burger marked with an ‘E’.

Shea let out a laugh and told her, “Well I mean, you do talk about stealing my kid a lot so that last one isn’t that much of a stretch.”

Harley looked at Shea and then James as he laughed and narrowed her eyes, “If you don’t stop making fun of me I won’t feed you.”

“Technically Emma is feeding us.” Shea told her, grabbing the bag from beside James he dumped the contents out on the bar top.

“Yes, and she can decide not to feed you both.” Emma stated, laughing when Harley pulled up a stool and did a little dance in it upon finding an extra box of fries with her initials on it. James rolled his eyes as she disappeared behind the bar again, likely putting them in the little fridge she thought people didn’t know was for her food. Eventually she came back up and started making faces at Hannah, which was when Emma pointed out, “You haven’t touched your food.”

“Who cares about the food? Give me the baby.” Harley said, reaching across the bar where Emma gladly handed Hannah over. Once she was comfortable in Harley’s lap she practically instantly fell asleep, and Harley looked over at Emma with a pout, “How can you get sick of this face?”

“Try seeing it 24/7. It gets old, fast.” Emma stated with a shrug, making a pointed look as she took a long drink of her iced tea.

Harley just shook her head and looked down at the sleeping Hannah before informing Emma, “Oh no, I would never.”

“I think she just volunteered to babysit.” Shea told Emma, making her roll her eyes.

“Do you really even need to ask?” Harley asked them, watching as Shea shrugged in response.

Emma simply shook her head at her, “You have joined civilization and shacked up with someone now. I can’t just drop my kid on you whenever you want now. Shea might end up with a very cranky teammate.”

Harley looked across the bar at James with big eyes and a small, hopeful smile and he simply shook his head in amusement and told her, “See, the whole puppy dog eyes is a real thing.”

“Pleeeeeaaase?” She looked down at Hannah and then back up at James again and asked him, “How can you say no to that face?”

“Fine.”

“Really?” James couldn’t deny that it made him happy to see how happy it made Harley that he was okay babysitting her god daughter with her for the night, so he nodded in confirmation. She grinned, called, and then asked him, “Can we keep her?”

There was a round of laughter as James told her, “Don’t push your luck.”

- - -

“I hate grocery shopping. Have I ever told you that?” Harley asked James as he pushed the cart and she followed beside him down an aisle with Hannah on her hip.

He glanced over at her and watched her grab a bag of gummy worms, which caused him to let out a small laugh and tell her, “You know your delivery guy by name, I’ve figured out that you don’t like grocery shopping by now.”

Harley grinned at him, tossed the gummy worms into the cart and told him, “Watch it Mr. I’ll sick Hannah on you.”

James let out a booming laugh that made Hannah try and mimic him in a squeal form before James told Harley, “Oh I’m so scared.”

“You should be. She’s an evil little gremlin when she wants to be.” Harley informed him, turning Hannah around to face him she pushed her index finger down between Hannah’s eyebrows giving her the appearance of being angry.

“She takes after her aunt then.” James told her with a light chuckle. Harley paused before her jaw dropped slightly and her eyes narrowed, which caused James to let out another laugh and wrap his arm around her shoulder. He pulled her into his side and Hannah looked up at him with her big brown eyes and giggled, and Harley could tell from just one look at him that James was struggling between keeping up his tough guy persona and giving in and being himself around her.

Before she could say anything in response an older lady who was passing by them voiced, “You make a beautiful family.”

Harley held back her laughter as James’ face reddened and he tried to tell her that Hannah wasn’t theirs but she was already gone and into the next aisle over. It wasn’t until then that Harley let out her laugh and looked at James and said, “You can relax now, you know… breathe?”

He rolled his eyes at her and pushed the cart down the aisle as Harley continued to follow beside him and chuckle. He watched her interact with Hannah a few times here and there, tickling her, giving her kisses, before he finally busied himself with filling the cart with whatever meat he decided he needed for the time being.

It wasn’t until they were back at his house, after having dropped Hannah off at Emma and Shea’s, that James finally told Harley, “I really don’t actually mind kids that much.”

She turned from where she was sitting beside him on the couch and smiled, patting his arm, which was draped around her shoulder and across her chest. She told him, “I know that.”

“You do?” He asked, surprised.

Harley nodded, “You haven’t been able to fool me with the whole ‘I’m tough and don’t care about anything’ thing you like to do.”

James let out a small chuckle, at both himself and her, he hadn’t realized he’d been doing that but the more he thought about it the more he realized she was probably right. He’d been using that persona for so long that he was sure he wouldn’t even notice if he did it here. He simply told her, “People just have this idea of who I am off the ice, and it’s easier to just let them think that they know who I am.”

“Well I know who you are off the ice. I’ve seen it enough.” Harley told him, watching as James turned to her with an eyebrow raised. She smiled at him and explained, “You are so not as good at hiding it as you think you are. I saw right through it the first time I met you.”

James was now really curious, “Really?”

“Yeah. Your face gives it away to anyone who’s actually looking at you. I knew you weren’t anything like the guys said you were and I think they realized that their perception of you was pretty off fairly soon too.” Harley explained to him, watching him nod slowly. She was quick to point out, “It’s not a bad thing James.”

“I know. I’m just not so sure I really am as good as you think I am.” He admitted softly, looking at their feet which were resting on the coffee table in front of them. Harley simply watched him for a few seconds, trying to figure it out. There were often times that James was confident as ever in himself, but there were also times where his insecure side creeped out for a moment or two here and there. Harley had yet to figure him out and she wasn’t so sure she ever wanted that to stop, she wanted to always be learning new things about him.

Harley put her hand on his leg and told him, “You are. You might not see it but I do. I see it in the way you treat me, the fact that you were willing to give up a rare free evening to babysit with me shows me. James it’s a good thing to change, and it’s a good thing to be different off the ice. You might not see it, but I do.”

James could feel it bubbling up, he was close to saying it that he put a hand on the back of her neck and pulled her into him, kissing her to shut himself up. Harley took a moment to be surprised by his actions, before she kissed him back, placing her hands flat on his chest. James wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her onto him so she was straddling his lap and Harley pulled back for a moment.

The corners of her lips turned up into a small smile and she asked him, "What was that?"

James shrugged and rested his forehead on her collar bone, and before he could stop himself the words came tumbling out, "I love you."

The minute he felt her completely tense up James knew he messed up. She stayed where she was and looked at him even though he kept his head against her shoulder. She remained silent, hoping James would speak first, this was definitely not what she was expecting to hear come out of his mouth yet. When it was clear he wasn't going to speak and the silence got unbearable Harley said quietly, "No you don't."

Finally James looked up at her and contemplated what to say. He watched her avoid his eyes for a few seconds before he asked, "What the hell happened to you that made you like this? That you're sitting here telling me I couldn't possibly love you."

"It's only been-"

James interrupted her, "That doesn't matter. At least not to me."

"You can't just say that and act like it isn't this huge thing." Harley told him, watching as he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I mean it Harley. I'm not just saying it to say it." James said softly, watching her as she moved to sit beside him. He slipped his hand into hers and told her, "It's not something I just throw around. I haven't said that to someone since Sarah. I mean it when I say it Harley."

She looked down at their hands and then said, "This changes things."

James was getting frustrated and he knew she could tell so he took in a deep breath and said, "No it doesn't. You don't have to say it. Really, I can wait until you're ready to say it."

"That's not fair to you."

He let out a sigh and turned to face her before telling her, "I know I fucked up by saying it so soon but I meant what I said Harley, and I don't care if you don't say it back right away. Because I know you feel the same you just haven't admitted it to yourself, but you will."

Harley closed her eyes for a minute and let out a sigh before she got up and said, "I should go."

"Please don't."

Harley shook her head at him, "It's not you. I really do need to get to the bar tonight."

James knew it was a lie, Sophie was working tonight and it was a Monday, it was slow. Still he let her leave because he knew there was no point in asking her to stay. Way to go James.

Harley was pulling out of the driveway before she could convince herself otherwise. She couldn't go back in there, she knew James knew she really didn't have to go to the bar. Still she needed space, she wasn't sure what to do especially since her reaction was definitely not the one James expected. She knew it came out before he was ready to say it, and that likely if he could go back and not say it he would, especially now. But that didn't change the fact that he did say it and it did catch her off guard.

It wasn't until she was locked away in the apartment above the bar that she really let herself think. She had no idea how to fix the mess she got herself into this time. How on earth could she possibly make this better?