Nirvana

After the flight back to Nashville James was exhausted. He had pretended to sleep for most of the flight so no one would bother him, he barely even looked up to nod at Shea as he passed him getting onto the plane. He had tried to figure out what he was going to do during the flight and yet even after all that time he still had no idea. Did he go into the house and tell her what happened and hope that she understood, or did he simply not tell her and pretend it didn't happen? 

She would know. She'd know the minute he walked in the door, she'd know it when she kissed him hello, she'd know it the very second she touched him, she would know. Girls always knew, even if they didn't want to know they knew. 

But on that same level James knew she would end it. The minute he told her he'd lose her, she would pack her things and leave him. He couldn't understand how this had happened, how he had done this. He hadn't gone to Pittsburgh knowing he was going to cheat on Harley, he hadn't even gone back into the restaurant after seeing Sarah knowing it was going to happen. 

When he got his bag he opened the text that was waiting for him from Harley, telling him that Sophie called in sick so she was stuck at the bar, that she left her car in the parking lot for him and the keys were under the sun visor.

"Hey man you good?" James jumped when Shea fell into step beside him. He chuckled, "Sorry."

"I'm fine. Just tired." James lied, hoping Shea wasn't that great at detecting lies.

"Yeah it probably took a lot out of you, being back there again." James nodded and as they made their way to their respective vehicles Shea asked, "You're coming to that thing at my place next week yeah?"

"Uh…what thing?" James asked in confusion.

Shea chuckled, "Barbecue."

"Oh. Right, yeah. See you tomorrow." James said as he got into Harley's charger. The keys were exactly where she said they would be, they fell into his lap as he pulled the visor down.

He had decided to stop by Diosa, it would serve as a bit of a distraction. Or at least he had hoped it would. As he parked on the street outside the bar he looked over at the window and saw that it was relatively quiet inside. He had to lie. So as he tucked the keys into his pocket and made his way up to the doors he came up with his lie. He had dinner with Paul and they had too many beers, he didn't want to wake her by calling.

When he walked into the bar he found only a handful of people inside. Harley was behind the bar and when she saw him she immediately tossed her rag into the sink and walked out around the bar. She instantly wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned up to kiss him quickly.

James smiled, he was worried he might have given it all away in one look, but Harley didn't seem to notice. Instead she told him, "You should have just went home. You must be exhausted."

He shrugged, took a seat at the bar, smiling gently as she set a beer in front of him and he told her, "Nothing better to do. Figured I'd hang out here with you."

"Well I'm glad. I kind of missed you." She told him with a bright smile.

He looked up at her, watching her smile grow. He studied her face, her light eyes staring at him, her soft, full pink lips, her flushed cheeks. Went to dinner with Paul, had too many drinks, didn't want to wake you.

Hours had passed and they were finally pulling into the garage. Both Harley and James were dead on their feet, and when James unlocked the door Sasha looked up, expecting Harley with his tail wagging. When he saw James he instantly put his head down and looked away, which was a god indication that he had done something wrong.

When James saw the pillow from his crate on the living room floor in pieces, chunks of the stuffing everywhere he grabbed Sasha by the collar and dragged him over to the mess. His face was red and he knew he was over reacting but he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice, "Look at this mess. Bad dog. You don't do this. Bad dog. You do this again and I'm giving you away."

When he put the dog in his crate he turned to find Harley watching him. She was shocked at his out burst, sure she knew it annoyed him and yes the dog had to be disciplined for it but she wasn't used to seeing James get so angry.

"Fucking dog." He muttered, and when he hesrd Harley make a noise he simply told her, his voice raised, "This is why he does this kind of shit, because you don't tell him it's not okay."

"I'm sorry? You're not here to see how I discipline him when you're gone."

He rolled his eyes, "It's pretty obvious Harley."

With that he stomped upstairs with his bag and left Harley by herself. She glanced at Sasha, who whimpered at her from the crate. She sighed but didn't let him out, instead she picked up the mess from the pillow and threw it out, before she shut all the lights off, locked the door and went upstairs. James was in the bathroom brushing his teeth when she walked in, he didn't say anything to her so she said nothing to him as she washed her face and brushed her own teeth.

He left her in silence once he was done and she watched from the corner of her eye as he tossed his suit into the hamper and got into bed, the lamp on his nightstand illuminating the room. She didn't say anything to him as she grabbed a camisole and changed out of her jeans and tshirt and into it, not bothering with the matching satin shorts.

She got into bed next to him and James finally told her, "Sorry."

"Okay." Was all she said and it made him sigh.

"Really. It was just a rough day yesterday and I was pissed off and took it out on you." He told her, turning to watch as she took her earrings out and tossed them onto the dresser. She pulled her hair into a neat bun at the top of her head and rubbed her neck for a moment.

She then turned to him, rubbed her hand against the middle of his bare stomach for a second and then told him, "I get it, I never thought of how weird it would be for you being back there until this morning. Couldn't have been easy."

"No, it wasn't, I wanted to go back there and score a hattrick, well okay maybe not a hatty but get a goal or something. I feel like I let them down when I was there, and I feel like I'm letting Nashville down now, and I'm letting myself down." Harley looked at him, hoping he didn't get uncomfortable if he saw how shocked he was.

This was one of those moments where his insecurities came out to play and Harley never really knew how to deal with them when they did. So she simply told him, "You're seeing something different then what everyone else is you know."

James shook his head, "No I'm not. It's what I'm good at, letting people down."

"Babe don't do that, don't tear yourself down because you had a bad game."

"It's not just one bad game though. This whole season… I know that the guys, and management and the fans were expecting more out of me. I feel like haven't really done what I was supposed to do here." James told her, and she watched as he stared at his hands in his lap.

Harley took hold of his hands and said, "They can't expect you to move mountains you know. You guys are having a really good season, just let that be enough for this year."

"And if it's not enough for next year? Or the year after that?" James asked, knowing she couldn't answer that. When she didn't respond he told her, "Then I'm getting that phone call and packing up my life again."

Harley sighed lightly, turned to face him completely and said, "They chose you. Out of however many other guys they could have gotten out of a trade, they chose you. Because they thought you could bring something to the team that they were missing, and maybe you don't think you're bringing what you could to the table right now but you will. I believe that, and I'll believe it enough for both of us until you believe it yourself."

James smiled gently and told her, "I love you."

"I love you too." Just like that he had to remind himself again. Dinner with Paul, had too many drinks, didn't want to wake you.

When she settled back beside him James apologized again, "I really am sorry for snapping at you."

"It's okay. But if you ever talk to me like that again I will end you." She told him, making them both laugh.

She leaned in, kissed him softly, before she laid down and pulled the covers up. James looked down at her for a few seconds as she looked up at him, he reached down and brushed a few stray hairs from her forehead before he shut the light off beside him and laid down beside her. Harley put her arm over his stomach, his own arm slid around her and his hand rested on her back as her leg slipped in between his.

Went for dinner with Paul, too many drinks, didn't want to wake you.

- - -

"So is it nice to have your man back home now?" Kelly asked as she, Harley and Emma sat in an outdoor patio restaurant for lunch. Harley had a rare break between paperwork, meeting with bankers and the reno's and she had to admit, she was starving so when Kelly asked about lunch she jumped, and was glad she did when she found out the lunch was so Kelly could tell them that she and Craig had found out three weeks previous that she was pregnant.

"He was only gone for like three days." Harley stated with a shrug before adding, "Honestly I barely even noticed."

"Hah! Yeah right." Emma exclaimed, making them all laugh.

Harley then told Kelly, "He says congrats by the way."

"Hopefully he doesn't make Craig mad today, he was not in a good mood heading to practice." Kelly told them, taking a drink of her water with a slight giggle. When both Emma and Harley turned their attention to her Kelly informed them, "Well I may have woke him up at like 6 this morning for yogurt…"

"I just can't picture Craig angry honestly. He's far too precious

Kelly chuckled, "It's rare that's for sure."

Emma then asked her, "How are you feeling by the way?"

"Oh my god. Am I supposed to be this sore… like everywhere?" 

As they launched into a conversation of the joys of pregnancy Harley busied herself on her phone, checking a few emails and scrolling through Facebook. After almost fifteen minutes Emma finally said, "Oh God, Harley I'm sorry."

Harley put her phone down and looked at them, shaking her head she told them, "No it's fine."

Kelly apologized too, "I'm sorry. Im just trying to get as much advise as possible. You have no idea how scary it is. It's a whole other human being to take care of and you never know how scary that is until you're pregnant for real."

Harley nodded slowly and said, "Yeah… I wouldn't know."

"Sorry." Kelly said quietly, her cheeks slightly flushed.

"Don't be. It's not like I have this want to go out and have a kid right now." Harley told her, shaking her head.

They both watched as Harley bit into her burger and smiled at them for good measure before Emma sympathetically put her hand on Harley's and said, "But still. I mean I had Hannah less than a year ago, Shea and I are talking about having another, and now Kelly is pregnant and don't take this the wrong way but we're both younger than you. I know you want kids. So I know this probably isn't easy for you, seeing everyone around you have kids."

She shrugged, took a drink of her beer and told them, "I'm not at a place in my life where having a kid makes sense."

After a few seconds of silence Kelly told her, "Besides, you don't want to be pregnant. You can't drink when you're pregnant."

Harley let out a laugh, "Such a shame."

Kelly nodded and grinned, "I made Craig promise he wouldn't drink either. Until I'm cleared to drink too."

"That's evil." Harley told her with a laugh.

"I should tell Shea that when I'm pregnant again and see what he says." Emma said with a hint of an scemeing smile on her face.

Harley, imitating Shea, said, "Yes master. Whatever you want my beautiful pregnant wife."

"Yeah, I have trained him well. It's kind of alarming actually." Emma told them, making the three of them burst into laughter. 

"I need to train Craig that well. Teach me your ways."

"He went and got you yogurt at 6 am when he had practice at 9. I'd say you have him trained pretty damn well." Harley informed her with a chuckle. 

Kelly then asked, "What, you don't think James would do it if you asked him?"

Harley shook her head and said, "No, he'd push me off the bed and tell me to get up off my lazy ass and get it myself."

"I take it you've tried it before?" 

"Many times. He also tells me he's not contributing to my bad eating habits so if I want ice cream or gummy bears I have to get them myself." Harley said with a pout.

"I'm gonna have to have a conversation with him about the way he treats you." Emma joked, before adding in, "But I agree with the ice cream and gummy bears. You definitely need to eat better."

"I hate you both."

"So how is life on the dark side?" Kelly asked, making Harley and Emma both look at her in confusion. She rolled her eyes at them and told them, "You and James, officially living together."

"Oh. It's great, I think he's glad because I'm organizing everything. I mean you should have seen his closet before I got ahold of it."

"I can attest to that, it was a disaster. Looked like a hurricane went through there." Emma said with a nod, having helped Harley move her stuff in and organize the closet for their things. She then wrapped her arm around Harley's shoulder and told her, "I'm so proud of you though. You're all in a relationship and happy and I'm happy for you."

Harley rolled her eyes but Kelly spoke first, asking, "So… I know you're gonna come up with some 'it's too soon to know' crap but I say when you know, you know. So is James the one?"

Harley smiled gently at the thought before nodding her head, "Honestly as crazy as this sounds he could ask me to marry him today and I'd say yes in a heartbeat."