Nirvana

"I just don't want you to waste your time."

"No it's you that doesn't want to waste your own time James." Harley told him with hard eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him, watching as he let out a sigh and pushed his hand through his hair again.

James looked at her, waiting until she calmed down a bit. He didn't know how to respond to that, he knew it was bullshit but he also knew the longer he stood here in silence trying to figure out what to say the more and more it looked like he was admitting she was right. At this point he knew things were snowballing, and there seemed like nothing he could do to stop it. So he didn't bother responding to Harley's comment.

"You want to know what this is really about?" James asked her, watching as Harley looked at him with slightly narrowed eyes.

"By all means tell me what we're screaming at each other for. Because I certainly have no fucking clue." Harley told him, waiting impatiently for him to find his words.

"I can't trust you." James said quietly, and Harley was sure she felt her heart plummet into her stomach.

She tried to process what he said, and at the same time she tried to figure out exactly what she'd done to make him think that. When she couldn't find anything, and when she couldn't stand the silence between them any longer she asked, "So what exactly did I do that made you not trust me? You gotta help me out here because I'm drawing a blank."

"You refuse to open up to me. It's like you have two parts to you, the Harley I know and the Harley you don't want to show me." James told her gently, watching as her anger level seemed to go from zero to one hundred right before his eyes.

"That's bullshit!" She exclaimed.

"Is it? Why didn't you tell me you weren't selling the apartment above the bar?" James asked her, his eyes burning holes into her.

"That's what this is about? Are you fucking kidding me?" He knew he had pissed her off again but he honestly didn't care anymore.

"If you didn't want to move in you didn't have to." He stated, cross his own arms over his chest as well.

Harley stared at him for a long time without saying anything. What could she say? She was floored that this was why they were standing in the kitchen screaming at each other. Finally she explained to him, "I didn't see the point in trying to sell it. It took 3 years for me to get a renter the first time, no one wants to live above a bar. I was gonna have the contractors look at turning it into an office and employee lounge."

"So why not tell me? Why keep it a secret?"

She shook her head in amazement, "I wasn't trying to keep anything a secret. I thought I mentioned it. I don't understand why you made such a big deal out of this."

"Because you didn't tell me this big thing. You didn't tell me that you were planning on keeping your old apartment. Like you'd have an escape if you decided this wasn't worth your time."

"What do you want from me?" Harley asked, nearly rolling her eyes when he looked at her in confusion. She took in a deep breath and let it out, before she furthered her question, "What do you want from me? What do I have to do to make it better? I don't know what you want me to do, I'm trying here."

"I don't think you are." James said, and Harley simply stared at him, completely bewildered by this entire argument at this point.

Instead of responding Harley simply walked past him. James turned and watched her walk up the stairs and disappear. He tilted his head back and let out a sigh before he made his way upstairs and into the bedroom. He found Harley shoving clothes into a duffle bag, she didn't turn to look at him, so he stayed silent and watched her for a while. She wasn't bothering to fold anything, she was simply grabbing clothes from the dresser and the closet and shoving them messily into the bag.

Finally he asked, "What are you doing?"

She stopped what she was doing, only for a second, but she didn't turn to look at him. After a few seconds she went back to putting the clothes into the bag and she said, "Exactly what you want."

"I never once said I wanted you to leave." James told her, making her laugh.

"Really? What about when you told me to go back to Rich? Or how about when you said you couldn't trust me? You made it pretty fricken clear to me."

"That's not how I meant that." James said with a sigh, but Harley didn't stop packing her things.

"It's exactly how you meant it James. You said what you needed to. You got your wish. I'm leaving, you don't have to feel like the bad guy now." Harley told him, zipping the top of the duffle closed. She put the strap on her shoulder and walked right past him and downstairs. When he followed her to the door she held out her hand, "Can I have my keys please?"

"No."

She sighed, "James."

He shook his head and told her, "We aren't leaving things like this."

Harley simply stared at him with narrowed eyes. Eventually she dropped her hand and James put her keys into his pocket. She took in a deep breath and asked him, "Did you honestly just think you could get me mad enough that I'd end the relationship and you wouldn't feel bad for checking out of it?"

"I'm not Rich, don't pin your issues with him on me." James told her, his voice flat, but he was practically shaking with anger. Harley watched as he clenched his fists and then he looked at her and said harshly, "You know I could have cheated on you in Pittsburgh, I want you to know I had the chance. I turned it down because I didn't want to hurt you, so before you go thinking I'm looking for an out just think of that."

Harley was stunned, and she could tell by the look on James' face he hadn't intended on saying that. His eyes went slightly wide, his face paled, before he let out a quiet breath of air and he hung his head just he slightest. Still she asked, "I'm sorry... what?"

"I shouldn't have said that, I was just trying to be mean I guess."

It all suddenly made sense, the weird mood, the way he'd been so much more attentive and interested in her lately. Everything suddenly made sense. She stayed silent for a moment, jaw clenched in an attempt to keep her eyes from watering, and she finally asked him, "Who?"

James didn't answer right away, Harley already knew the answer but she needed to hear it out loud. James knew that she knew so he simply said quietly, "Sarah."

He heard her bag hit the floor, and when he looked up he saw her eyes water with tears. He moved forward toward her but Harley walked right past him and he watched as she took a seat on the couch. He watched her put her head in her hands, he heard her sniffle, and he had never hated himself more than he did in this moment.

He sat down beside her, a few feet between them for Harley's sake, and he simply sat there and listened to her breathe and sniffle. Eventually she asked him, "Tell me."

"What?" He asked in confusion, his eyes trained on her even though she wouldn't turn to him.

She took in a deep breath and told him, "Tell me how it happened. What happened. Tell me everything."

"Harley..."

"There's no point in trying to save my feelings now James. Just tell me." She told him without even looking at him.

"I'm not gonna torture you like that."

She turned to him, tears were practically spilling over but other than that her face was void of any emotion when she told him, "You're already torturing me. Just tell me what happened."

"She was at the restaurant when Paul and I had dinner." James told her gently, he watched as she nodded but didn't say anything. He let out a sigh and continued, "I don't know why I even went back to the restaurant after Paul left."

"But you did." Harley stated, staring at her feet.

"I did." He said, clearing his throat before he told her, "I only intended on saying hi, maybe having a drink."

"And what changed?"

She watched out of the corner of her eyes as he ran his hand through his hair and put his head in his hands. He didn't know how to answer that, he had no idea what changed or when his intentions had changed. He let out a breath of air and took in another deep one before telling her, "I invited her up."

"Who kissed who first?" Harley asked him, ignoring him when he gave her a look as if asking her not to as him that.

"Harley."

She shook her head at him, finally turning to look at him and asked, "Who?"

He took in a shaky breath and told her, "Me."

"And is that it? Or is there more?"

"There's more." He said softly, watching as she nodded slowly. He gave her a minute before he told her, "It never went as far as you're thinking. I promise."

"Your promises aren't exactly worth much right now you know."

"I know. But I'm hoping you'll believe me anyway, because I'm telling you the truth." James told her, he reached over and put his hands on top of hers, and he was grateful when she didn't pull away from his touch. They both stared at their hands as James told her, "I'm not going into detail, I won't do that to you. I think you already know what happened, and that needs to be enough for you because I won't do this to you."

"Did she know?" Harley asked him, turning to look at him. When his eyebrows crunched together in confusion and Harley asked, "Did she know you had a girlfriend?"

"Yeah." She pulled her hands out of his and got up from the couch, James turned and watched her push her hands through her hair and stand with her back to him in the kitchen.

"Where you ever gonna tell me?" Harley asked him, still not turning to look at him. She wasn't sure if she could look at him, at least not without crying and that was the last possible thing she wanted right now. That wouldn't help either of them.

"I don't know, honestly I don't know. I wanted to, but I was afraid that you'd leave and I didn't want you to leave over something so stupid." James told her, knowing instantly that his choice of words were wrong.

She turned to face him, anger evident in her face as she asked, "Something so stupid?"

He sighed and told her, "I mean for me. Something stupid that I did."

"Well you've got that part right."

"Harley please. Just… I don't want to hurt you, I never wanted to." He watched as her eyes welled up with tears and he wanted nothing more than to walk over and hold her tight against him until she was okay but he knew she didn't want him anywhere near him.

"It's a little late for that don't you think?" She asked, her voice shaking. She turned away from him again, wiping under her eyes to get rid of the evidence that she had been crying.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"For which part?" She asked him, and when he didn't answer she continued, "For starting this fight? For basically telling me you don't want to be with me anymore? For telling me you can't trust me because I forgot to tell you something? Or are you sorry for screwing your ex girlfriend in Pittsburgh?"

"I didn't screw her!" When he exclaimed this Harley let out a harsh laugh.

"All this time you've been here making me feel bad because what, I forgot to put the bar apartment for rent? When you fucked someone else!" Her voice wasn't raised like he expected it to be when she said this. In fact her voice was calm as ever and that was what scared him.

"I didn't... it didn't go that far." He told her, growing frustrated with her as well. Sure he had started the fight, and yes he deserved it, but he hadn't intended the fight to last as long as it had. They'd been going at it for hours and he honestly just wished it was over, that he hadn't opened his big dumb mouth in the first place.

"Oh I'm sorry. I'm so glad you had the control to stop it from happening after she had your dick in her hands." Harley stated with a roll of her eyes.

James let out a sigh and got up from the couch, he joined her in the kitchen and told her, "It never should have happened Harley, I know that."

"So why even bother with telling me? Why not just keep lying to me?" She asked, the anger in her voice gone, James knew even if he hadn't watched her eyes well up with tears again that he would have known she was crying, it was the sound of her voice. The way it for quiet and shaky, the way it cracked mid word.

"I couldn't keep lying to you. You deserved to know the truth." James said softly, reaching out to take her hand.

She pulled her hand away from him and told him, "Give me my keys."

He looked up at her and said, "No."

"James."

"I told you. We are not leaving this like this." He told her, watching as she grabbed her previously discarded bag and slung it over her shoulder.

"There is nothing here anymore." Harley stated, shaking her hand gently before asking again, "Can I have my keys?"

James pulled them out of his pocket slowly, and placed them into her open palm. Harley closed her hand around them and opened the door, walking out without so much as another word. He pushed his hands over his face again before he looked around the kitchen. The first thing his eyes fell on was the coffee maker, that was also the first thing that went crashing to the floor. Followed by the the jar of flour, and then the container full of pasta. And when that didn't help he cleared an entire shelf of the books and pictures onto the floor.