Nirvana

James let out a loud breath as he heaved himself up and out of bed. He sat on the edge of the bed, glanced at the clock, which read 10:52, and let out a sigh. Eventually he got up, and looked around the bedroom. His suitcase was still sitting on the floor by the bathroom, it was open and he had just been pulling things out of it here and there, the hamper was over flowing, and he'd had to stop going into the closet; the empty shelves by his own shoes made his head hurt.

Without bothering to put any clothes on James made his way downstairs, running both hands through his hair. Sasha jumped up from his bed and ran over to him the second James' feet hit the floor in the living room. He leaned down just enough to pet his head before he shuffled into the kitchen to get something to drink. Why did he get saddled with the dog?

Yanking the fridge door open James let out a loud sigh, he still hadn't gone grocery shopping, he had gotten so used to groceries just showing up in the fridge that he failed to remember that grocery shopping was a necessity when you're the only one living in the house.

He took a drink of the last bit of grapefruit juice straight from the carton before he tossed it into the recycle and went upstairs to change into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He turned his phone on, and after a few seconds, when the influx of text messages started coming through he remembered why he had it turned off in the first place. Most were from his family, one from Paul, a few from his teammates trying to get him out and about. He turned it off again when a message from Rich showed up saying 'You're an idiot.'

Like he didn't already know that.

Tossing his phone onto the counter in the kitchen James grabbed the dogs leash, and Sasha, upon seeing the leash, began to jump on his back legs as he waited impatiently. Connecting the leash to Sasha James grabbed house keys, locked up, pulled a baseball cap down over his eyes but he didn't get too far down the driveway when Mike pulled into it in his car.

As he got out Mike joked, "You know, that doesn't make you incognito. Makes it more obvious."

James shrugged, he wasn't particularly in the mood for jokes, which was made clear. To be polite James asked him, "What are you doing here?"

"Figured I'd stop by, make sure you hadn't completely fallen off the face of the earth." Mike stated with a shrug. He glanced down at Sasha, who was pulling at the leash trying to get James moving and asked, "Mind if I join you?"

James shrugged and they both walked down the driveway. It wasn't until they were well down the street that James asked curiously, "Why aren't you mad at me?"

James had to admit, he was surprised that after the news of the breakup hit the locker room there wasn't a clear line drawn down the middle of the room detailing who was on who's side. Sure Shea took the high road as the captain, and while they all still spoke to him, invited him out places and we're civil he could tell that something had changed outside the locker room.

He could tell that Harley clearly hadn't told them what truly happened. Whether not saying anything was for herself or because for some strange reason she still cared enough about him not to say anything, James didn't know. Either way he wasn't about to say anything either, because despite what happened he didn't want to hurt her by telling everyone. James still hadn't quite gotten over how truly stupid he was, but there was no sense whining and focusing on it. It wasn't like Harley would ever forgive him. Maybe if he'd told her like a person with half a brain or at the very least a conscious, but the way he had told her, like he was trying to hurt her with it, he knew there was no chance.

The relationship was over, he just had to deal with it and move on.

"You alive?" Mike asked him, looking sideways at him. When James turned to him in confusion Mike chuckled and told him, "I said, none of us are mad at you, we don't really know what happened and that's truthfully none of our business."

James nodded slowly, pulled the leash back as Sasha started pulling against it to get them to go faster. He pulled again and then muttered, "Why the fuck couldn't she have taken the dog?"

Mike couldn't help but chuckle as he watched his teammate struggle with walking the little husky, he offered no advice or help from one pet owner to another. After all it wasn't like he had any experience with dogs that couldn't fit in an average size purse. Curiously Mike asked, "What do you do with him when we're on the road?"

"Kelly at least likes dogs more than she wants to beat me with a meat tenderizor. Her words." James told him, he would have laughed with Mike but the threat wasn't exactly funny to him. He yanked on the leash again, and Sasha finally walked beside him instead of trying to pull James behind him. James couldn't help but wonder if this was punishment for something he had done, sure he loved dogs and yeah he loved Sasha but the intention was never to be the only one 'raising' him. The dog was, after all, a gift for Harley not for him.

Mike glanced at James again, studying him for a moment or two. He didn't look any different, aside from the fact that he looked tired and he hadn't done anything with his hair in a long time. So he approached the subject, "Some of the guys are getting together for dinner at my place next week. You wanna come?"

"Maybe."

"Come on man, it's a meal you don't have to cook. Plus I think it might get some of the guys off your back." Mike knew that since Harley and James had broken up the guys in the locker room had been driving James nuts trying to get him to leave his house or do something other than his usual routine. Rink, food, home, rink.

James sighed, pushed a hand through his hair and said, "Alright."

They were back at the house, Mike gave Sasha a good pet before he got into his vehicle and left James alone. James went into the house, wiped the dogs paws off before taking the leash off. He watched Sasha go running around the house and he knew exactly what he was looking for. Eventually he came back down the stairs, looked at James and whined.

"She's not here." James muttered, walking past him and up the stairs. Sasha followed him into the bedroom and when James dropped onto the bed he pushed his nose into the side of the mattress to let him know he wanted his attention. James glanced over at him, and Sasha simply sat down and stared at him, waiting. Finally James sighed and patted the bed, letting him jump up onto the bed with him. Once Sasha curled up beside him, snout on his bicep, James gave him a good pet and told him, "Yeah I know, I miss her too."

- - -

James was woken up to the door bell. He glanced st the clock, it was 1:30 in the afternoon. Sasha had already taken off down the stairs running and when he started barking James heaved himself up off the mattress and down the stairs. When he opened the door he was handed a large box and left alone.

He closed the door with his foot and carried the box to the kitchen. He grabbed a knife and cut into the tape, opening the box before his eyebrows crunched in confusion. Inside were six beer glasses, each one had something different printed on the side of it. The first one he pulled out had the Predators logo on it, the second had a picture of the Nashville skyline, the third was constellations, the fourth was the curvy shilouhette that was lit up in neon gold outside Diosa, the fifth was the province of Ontario, and when he pulled out the sixth glass he let out a sigh. It was Harley's writing, and it said 'I love you.'

He glanced at the shipping label on the box and realized it held her name, he wasn't sure what any of this was for but he had to keep himself from throwing the box at the wall in frustration. He put all the glasses back inside it before he picked up the box and started down the basement stairs, out of sight out of mind right?

He flicked the lights on and was really, really confused. When he built the house he had no plans for the basement so aside from flooring and paint it was completely empty. Now however there was furniture, a TV, and a bar along one wall. He set the glasses on the bar top, took the card that was sitting beside the sink and sat down on the couch. They were Harley's couches from her old apartment, and for a second he wondered if she bought new ones now.

'I wanted to do something to show you how much I appreciate you and everything you've done and continue to do for me. I didn't think it was possible to find someone who's so incredibly good to me, but I guess I've just been waiting for you all this time. I love you, Harley.

James didn't know what to do or say so he set the card on the coffee table and sat on the couch staring at it for almost an hour. He'd felt like an ass more times than he could count since their break up but now? He wasn't sure there was even a word in the English vocabulary to describe how he felt now.

- - -

"So what exactly happened?" James sighed when Paul asked this. He was having a decent night after the day he'd had, he had ordered in for dinner and watched not one but two movies on Netflix, and then Paul had to call and ruin it all.

He drooped onto the couch, gave Sasha a pet and told Paul, "A lot."

"Like?

"We got into it. About everything. Kids, the future, our relationship, Sarah." James told him, taking in a deep breath of air.

"Sarah? Why the hell were you fighting about her? you haven't even seen her in years." Paul exclaimed in confusion.

James was silent for a few seconds on the other end before he explained, "She was at the restaurant when we went for dinner in Pittsburgh."

"And?"

"Well… I went back just to say hi and the next thing I know she's pretty much giving me a hand job in my hotel room." This was the first time he had admitted it out loud. He contemplated calling him once or twice but he knew his mother and sister would read him the riot act even if he didn't tell them what really happened.

"Jesus Christ."

"I know. I'm an idiot. Believe me that much is perfectly clear." James told him as he got up off the couch and wandered into the kitchen. He opened the fridge, before he closed it again and filled a glass with water, drinking half of it before he went back to the couch.

"So…what's it like in the locker room for you now?" Paul asked curiously.

James truthfully didn't know how to answer this, he hasn't quite figured it out himself yet. So he simply told Paul, "I don't really know yet. I don't think anyone knows what really happened, so things are pretty normal. No one asks me about it and no one mentions her so…"

Paul couldn't help but say, "Lucky you."

"Yeah… I know." James stated.

"Has she come to get any of her stuff?"

"Not while I've been here and it doesn't look like anything else is gone." He debated telling him about the basement, he'd actually wanted to call Shea and ask if he knew about it but he didn't do that. He let out a sigh and told Paul, "She had a bar put in the basement and put a bunch of furniture down there."

"She basically built you a man cave?"

"Yup. With custom beer glasses." He left out the part where each glass had something on it that meant something to both of them or just him.

Paul was quick to tell him, "You're an idiot."

"I know."