Status: 1/1
Until It Breaks Your Heart
1
The shop is crowded, filled with people of various sizes and shapes, some in large groups that spill over into two or three tables, some in pairs that share a table and loving glances. People are laughing, babies are crying, friends are sharing stories, but Alex isn't doing any of that. Alex is waiting, Alex is trying not to become the next baby to burst into tears in the crowded cafe. His hands are shaking in his lap and he's praying that someone, anyone, will show up to sit across from him.
It will not happen, the stabbing pain in his chest reminds him of that daily and this afternoon isn't an exception. A voice in his head begs him to think positively, reminds him that a promise is an important thing and good men keep their promises.
Alex is starting to worry he will never be good enough to make someone keep their promise.
A solitary tear rolls from his left eye as he makes eye contact with the girl at the register, the girl who took his order three hours ago, and she shakes her head with a sympathetic smile and a silent sigh.
The whole way home he cries at the thought of anyone that ever told him he was beautiful and he wonders why the beauty they claimed to see isn't enough.
When he reaches his apartment he closes the door only to slam his fist against it, no doubt scaring his elderly neighbor. For a few minutes he slams his fist against the chipped green paint, his fingers curling into his palm so forcefully that they leave dull bruises. He only stops in the hopes that when he's 80 and all alone he won't be destined to live across from a noisy young man like himself.
To dig the knife deeper into his chest, he goes to his kitchen and forces himself to read the wedding announcement taped to his freezer. There's no invitation, he forces himself to notice that as well. He wonders what that's supposed to mean. He wonders if people do things to him with the intent of causing him pain or if that's just a result of feeling too much.
With all the lights off he wanders back to his bedroom and strips down to his boxers. Before he crawls to the middle of his bed, he turns on his ipod, letting his one and only song play on repeat. There used to be thousands of choices but over the years he found himself losing the ability to hear much without feeling the sting of nostalgia and heart break.
He lost pieces of himself in countless songs, including the one that plays now. Mostly to the one that plays now but he listens anyways, he lies flat on his back in the center of his bed and remembers every note and kiss.
He remembers his first love, new and exciting. Remembers waiting all night for a phone call from his girlfriend and the deep feeling of pride that swelled within him back when he was naive enough to think that three words that were exchanged so carelessly could ever be synonymous with forever. He thinks back on holding hands and kissing cheeks and bragging about things he was way too scared to actually try.
He remembers when Tay told him on the first day of 7th grade that it was over. He remembers being so angry with her for not having a reason for hurting him and laughs through his tears because he gets why she didn't have a reason now.
He remembers the first time he fell for someone that looked a little too similar to himself for his parents liking. He remembers sneaking around and avoiding his dad's disapproving stare as he held his boyfriend's hand and walked into high school.
He remembers being told the boy that claimed to love him a month ago just didn't feel the same anymore. He still has the note signed "forever yours, John O'Callaghan," hidden away in some shoe box or dresser drawer. For the sake of consistency he laughs through his tears the same way he had when he was 15 and wonders if John still has the note containing only the definition of the word "Contradiction" and "fuck you" scrawled in angry blue ink. He guesses no, he guesses that note got crumpled and thrown away the same day it was delivered.
He remembers Lisa and thinking that time it was for real. He remembers Matt only lasted a month. He remembers Zack robbing him of one whole year. He remembers Rian who didn't even have the decency to show up today. Maybe he likes Rian best, he thinks, because Rian at least let him down on the very first date.
Others hadn't been nearly as courteous.
Alex remembers one tall, dark haired, energetic, gorgeous man who hadn't been anywhere close to as gentle when it came to breaking his heart and letting him down. He remembers thinking so genuinely that he'd found the one for him and what hurts the most, what leaves him tearing at his hair and gasping for shaky breaths, is the way that feeling still resides in his head and heart. The way a man, who had the nerve to send him a fucking wedding announcement, still made him physically sick with the pain of wanting what he didn't get to have.
Everything about Jack he remembers with their very own set of tears. All the late night talks, every inside joke, the way he sprawled out and slept like a crazy person every night for five years, they all have a special place hollowed out in his heart. There's no shoebox or drawer that contains a piece of paper with the words "I'm sorry, Alex, I'm so sorry but I don't chose you," written on it but the words are burned into his memory.
Tay's married with three kids, Alex only knows this because his mom and her mom are friends. He wasn't invited to the wedding, he doesn't know names or ages.
John's still dating his real high school sweetheart, the one he'd met after Alex. He hasn't spoke to Alex once since they broke up but Alex has seen him around town multiple times.
Lisa ended up marrying Matt and he did get an invite to that one but he didn't attend because he refused to be the punch line of a joke that cruel.
Zack's married to a guy named Josh who Alex actually introduced him to. The two found the time to have sex in the bed Alex shared with a boy he loved but somehow didn't have the decency to send him a thank you card when they got engaged a short two weeks after Zack broke up with him. He found that one out through facebook.
Jack's married to the girl he told Alex for five years he was going to break up with. They've been married five years, Alex mainly knows because of the announcement taped to his freezer.
For five years he waited up for Jack to come over late at night, smelling like perfume and fabric softener. He listened hopelessly to lies about only staying with her until their lease was up, to false promises of never loving anyone more than him, but also he saw the pictures on the cheating boy's phone whenever he could steal it without Jack knowing. He saw the way Jack looked at this girl like she was the greatest thing to ever happen to him and he knew, he just fucking knew, that no one would ever look at him that way, Jack included. He knew that one day Jack was going to leave him but through giving the younger man everything he had he thought maybe he could change that.
If he showed Jack the serious future they could have together, he thought that might make him stay so he sunk all his money into an expensive house and asked if Jack would move in with him. This way he wouldn't even have to worry about leases, Alex would take care of that, he'd take care of him. When that seemed to scare Jack, he rushed to sell the house, lost every penny he'd invested and prayed that would make it better. Jack called the same night to tell him things couldn't continue, he told him he was ready to be the man his future wife deserved and that meant letting go of things that posed a threat to his relationship. He quit drinking and he quit Alex like they were the same exact thing and then three months later he sent an announcement, complete with a picture of him and his fiancé in matching sweaters, Alex's favorite sweater to be specific.
Jack has two kids, a third on the way. He lives in Chicago because that's where his wife's from and he's fallen in love with the city over time. His two sons are four and two, he doesn't know how he's going to handle the added stress of another child especially if it's a girl. He says he doesn't know if he can handle having a girl because he knows the terrible things boys can do to break a girl's heart. He told Alex this in the letter he wrote him last week. Every month, sometimes twice a month, he sends a letter and asks how Alex is doing, he signs them "yours truly." Inside he talks about his kids and asks if he can come see Alex on a "business meeting." He asks very politely if Alex will be a part of him cheating on his wife and then details his fears of his daughter's heart being broken by a selfish boy and finishes the whole thing with "yours truly." Alex wishes that he could hate him but settles for not replying instead.
Sometimes he wishes he could reply though, wishes he could find the right words to articulate just how very shattered Jack left the organ in his chest. He has this burning desire to take Jack's hand and lead him through everything that happened from his perspective. All he wants is to let Jack into his life and into his mind, where he's been forced to hide almost every part of himself from the world. There are moments that he wishes he could revisit and point to and say "you see how you're looking at me right here, see how you're making me feel special, like maybe I actually have a shot with you? That's one of the millions of ways you broke me down and turned me into a person my own mother barely recognizes."
"I love you, I fucking loved you," Alex finds himself screaming the same words he's been screaming since he gave that first fragment of his heart away way back when he was only 12 years old. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
The words haunt him, like demons, they possess him and leave him tossing and turning in his empty bed, constantly wondering if any of them know. If any one of them ever knew that he would have given them absolutely everything if they could have loved him the way he loved them. Every relationship, every memory, every breakup, fills his mind and spills over his eyes and he wants them to know that it hurts.
He wants to scream at Tay and John that you do not just fucking leave someone and give them no reason as to why you're doing it. He wishes he would have gone to Lisa and Matt's wedding and looked them in the eye and asked through all those weeks worth of tears if they really thought it was necessary to send him an invitation. One day he hopes he runs into Zack so he can figure out why exactly it was okay for that asshole to say he loved him in the morning and then cheat on him in the afternoon. If the time machine is invented tomorrow he knows he'll use it to go back to last week and tell Rian that if you have no intention of keeping a date you shouldn't set one in the first place. Most of all though, he wants to show Jack the list of times people have hurt him and left him broken hearted so he can see firsthand how his name stands out among the rest.
He wants to show Jack the way he destroyed him and drove him insane and ask to his face if that's what he's afraid will happen to his daughter. He wants to tell him the honest truth, that it doesn't matter if he has a son or a daughter because regardless, one day that child will grow up and realize their father is a no good lying cheat and they will hate him. With everything in him he wants to be there when Jack loses everything he's ever claimed to love. He wants to hold him close while Jack cries and listens to the song that played the day he met his wife.
He wants to let Jack cling tight to him and smile as his lanky body shakes with sobs until there's nothing left and he takes his last breath.
Until it breaks his heart.
It will not happen, the stabbing pain in his chest reminds him of that daily and this afternoon isn't an exception. A voice in his head begs him to think positively, reminds him that a promise is an important thing and good men keep their promises.
Alex is starting to worry he will never be good enough to make someone keep their promise.
A solitary tear rolls from his left eye as he makes eye contact with the girl at the register, the girl who took his order three hours ago, and she shakes her head with a sympathetic smile and a silent sigh.
The whole way home he cries at the thought of anyone that ever told him he was beautiful and he wonders why the beauty they claimed to see isn't enough.
When he reaches his apartment he closes the door only to slam his fist against it, no doubt scaring his elderly neighbor. For a few minutes he slams his fist against the chipped green paint, his fingers curling into his palm so forcefully that they leave dull bruises. He only stops in the hopes that when he's 80 and all alone he won't be destined to live across from a noisy young man like himself.
To dig the knife deeper into his chest, he goes to his kitchen and forces himself to read the wedding announcement taped to his freezer. There's no invitation, he forces himself to notice that as well. He wonders what that's supposed to mean. He wonders if people do things to him with the intent of causing him pain or if that's just a result of feeling too much.
With all the lights off he wanders back to his bedroom and strips down to his boxers. Before he crawls to the middle of his bed, he turns on his ipod, letting his one and only song play on repeat. There used to be thousands of choices but over the years he found himself losing the ability to hear much without feeling the sting of nostalgia and heart break.
He lost pieces of himself in countless songs, including the one that plays now. Mostly to the one that plays now but he listens anyways, he lies flat on his back in the center of his bed and remembers every note and kiss.
He remembers his first love, new and exciting. Remembers waiting all night for a phone call from his girlfriend and the deep feeling of pride that swelled within him back when he was naive enough to think that three words that were exchanged so carelessly could ever be synonymous with forever. He thinks back on holding hands and kissing cheeks and bragging about things he was way too scared to actually try.
He remembers when Tay told him on the first day of 7th grade that it was over. He remembers being so angry with her for not having a reason for hurting him and laughs through his tears because he gets why she didn't have a reason now.
He remembers the first time he fell for someone that looked a little too similar to himself for his parents liking. He remembers sneaking around and avoiding his dad's disapproving stare as he held his boyfriend's hand and walked into high school.
He remembers being told the boy that claimed to love him a month ago just didn't feel the same anymore. He still has the note signed "forever yours, John O'Callaghan," hidden away in some shoe box or dresser drawer. For the sake of consistency he laughs through his tears the same way he had when he was 15 and wonders if John still has the note containing only the definition of the word "Contradiction" and "fuck you" scrawled in angry blue ink. He guesses no, he guesses that note got crumpled and thrown away the same day it was delivered.
He remembers Lisa and thinking that time it was for real. He remembers Matt only lasted a month. He remembers Zack robbing him of one whole year. He remembers Rian who didn't even have the decency to show up today. Maybe he likes Rian best, he thinks, because Rian at least let him down on the very first date.
Others hadn't been nearly as courteous.
Alex remembers one tall, dark haired, energetic, gorgeous man who hadn't been anywhere close to as gentle when it came to breaking his heart and letting him down. He remembers thinking so genuinely that he'd found the one for him and what hurts the most, what leaves him tearing at his hair and gasping for shaky breaths, is the way that feeling still resides in his head and heart. The way a man, who had the nerve to send him a fucking wedding announcement, still made him physically sick with the pain of wanting what he didn't get to have.
Everything about Jack he remembers with their very own set of tears. All the late night talks, every inside joke, the way he sprawled out and slept like a crazy person every night for five years, they all have a special place hollowed out in his heart. There's no shoebox or drawer that contains a piece of paper with the words "I'm sorry, Alex, I'm so sorry but I don't chose you," written on it but the words are burned into his memory.
Tay's married with three kids, Alex only knows this because his mom and her mom are friends. He wasn't invited to the wedding, he doesn't know names or ages.
John's still dating his real high school sweetheart, the one he'd met after Alex. He hasn't spoke to Alex once since they broke up but Alex has seen him around town multiple times.
Lisa ended up marrying Matt and he did get an invite to that one but he didn't attend because he refused to be the punch line of a joke that cruel.
Zack's married to a guy named Josh who Alex actually introduced him to. The two found the time to have sex in the bed Alex shared with a boy he loved but somehow didn't have the decency to send him a thank you card when they got engaged a short two weeks after Zack broke up with him. He found that one out through facebook.
Jack's married to the girl he told Alex for five years he was going to break up with. They've been married five years, Alex mainly knows because of the announcement taped to his freezer.
For five years he waited up for Jack to come over late at night, smelling like perfume and fabric softener. He listened hopelessly to lies about only staying with her until their lease was up, to false promises of never loving anyone more than him, but also he saw the pictures on the cheating boy's phone whenever he could steal it without Jack knowing. He saw the way Jack looked at this girl like she was the greatest thing to ever happen to him and he knew, he just fucking knew, that no one would ever look at him that way, Jack included. He knew that one day Jack was going to leave him but through giving the younger man everything he had he thought maybe he could change that.
If he showed Jack the serious future they could have together, he thought that might make him stay so he sunk all his money into an expensive house and asked if Jack would move in with him. This way he wouldn't even have to worry about leases, Alex would take care of that, he'd take care of him. When that seemed to scare Jack, he rushed to sell the house, lost every penny he'd invested and prayed that would make it better. Jack called the same night to tell him things couldn't continue, he told him he was ready to be the man his future wife deserved and that meant letting go of things that posed a threat to his relationship. He quit drinking and he quit Alex like they were the same exact thing and then three months later he sent an announcement, complete with a picture of him and his fiancé in matching sweaters, Alex's favorite sweater to be specific.
Jack has two kids, a third on the way. He lives in Chicago because that's where his wife's from and he's fallen in love with the city over time. His two sons are four and two, he doesn't know how he's going to handle the added stress of another child especially if it's a girl. He says he doesn't know if he can handle having a girl because he knows the terrible things boys can do to break a girl's heart. He told Alex this in the letter he wrote him last week. Every month, sometimes twice a month, he sends a letter and asks how Alex is doing, he signs them "yours truly." Inside he talks about his kids and asks if he can come see Alex on a "business meeting." He asks very politely if Alex will be a part of him cheating on his wife and then details his fears of his daughter's heart being broken by a selfish boy and finishes the whole thing with "yours truly." Alex wishes that he could hate him but settles for not replying instead.
Sometimes he wishes he could reply though, wishes he could find the right words to articulate just how very shattered Jack left the organ in his chest. He has this burning desire to take Jack's hand and lead him through everything that happened from his perspective. All he wants is to let Jack into his life and into his mind, where he's been forced to hide almost every part of himself from the world. There are moments that he wishes he could revisit and point to and say "you see how you're looking at me right here, see how you're making me feel special, like maybe I actually have a shot with you? That's one of the millions of ways you broke me down and turned me into a person my own mother barely recognizes."
"I love you, I fucking loved you," Alex finds himself screaming the same words he's been screaming since he gave that first fragment of his heart away way back when he was only 12 years old. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
The words haunt him, like demons, they possess him and leave him tossing and turning in his empty bed, constantly wondering if any of them know. If any one of them ever knew that he would have given them absolutely everything if they could have loved him the way he loved them. Every relationship, every memory, every breakup, fills his mind and spills over his eyes and he wants them to know that it hurts.
He wants to scream at Tay and John that you do not just fucking leave someone and give them no reason as to why you're doing it. He wishes he would have gone to Lisa and Matt's wedding and looked them in the eye and asked through all those weeks worth of tears if they really thought it was necessary to send him an invitation. One day he hopes he runs into Zack so he can figure out why exactly it was okay for that asshole to say he loved him in the morning and then cheat on him in the afternoon. If the time machine is invented tomorrow he knows he'll use it to go back to last week and tell Rian that if you have no intention of keeping a date you shouldn't set one in the first place. Most of all though, he wants to show Jack the list of times people have hurt him and left him broken hearted so he can see firsthand how his name stands out among the rest.
He wants to show Jack the way he destroyed him and drove him insane and ask to his face if that's what he's afraid will happen to his daughter. He wants to tell him the honest truth, that it doesn't matter if he has a son or a daughter because regardless, one day that child will grow up and realize their father is a no good lying cheat and they will hate him. With everything in him he wants to be there when Jack loses everything he's ever claimed to love. He wants to hold him close while Jack cries and listens to the song that played the day he met his wife.
He wants to let Jack cling tight to him and smile as his lanky body shakes with sobs until there's nothing left and he takes his last breath.
Until it breaks his heart.