Anything to See You Smile

Weeks after Andy's admission, things weren't any easier. Well, he was able to talk to Jake which was a considerable weight off his shoulders. But the added fear that Jake might give it away, or accidentally tell someone, was paralysing to the point where he'd wished he'd never told him, and his fear stopped him from telling his friend anything else.

His feelings had moved from maddening to depressing, and Oli was becoming more irritated with his wallowing, self-pitying attitude towards everything with each passing day.

The soft fingers ghosted over his skin like feathers. They left a trail of tingling skin behind them that raised goosebumps on his skin.

"W-who are you?" The person clearly didn't think the question deserved an answer. Or maybe they didn't hear.

The hand slid into his shirt and Oli pushed himself back against the cold steel chair, trying to retreat away from the pale skin that worked itself over his chest and stomach.

"Who do you want me to be?" Andy's voice caused Oli to tense up with fear and apprehension was rife within his mind. This all faded when a brush of breath and lips cascaded over his neck.

Oli awoke to the same arousal, the same panic, the same paranoia that Andy may have heard him make a noise in his sleep. The same everything...and yet these feelings were deadened by his feeling of desperation. Desperation that he might not be able to ever regain control of his feelings and thoughts again. Desperation at the thought that this torture might never end.

He did his usual trick of masturbating into a fistful of tissues and going to sit outside on the cold balcony, the harsh wind biting at his flesh. After a time, his skin became so cold that it hurt. It helped to take his mind off of Andy, off of the torrid fantasies that had taken refuge inside his head. In his dreams.

Andy was awoken to a quiet sound in the middle of the night and rose from his bed to fetch a glass of water. He saw Oli sitting outside, staring into spaces. He wore nothing but a t-shirt and boxers, and yet his hair whipped around fiercely in the wind. He'd been doing that a lot lately. When he thought Andy was asleep, when he thought no one could see him.

He pulled on a coat, not caring whose it was, and joined him outside.
"Are you insane?"

"Might as well be."

"What does that mean?" Oli offered no explanation. Andy crossed his legs in an attempt to warm his feet.

"Come back inside, Oli." Oli's eyes shut and he seemed as though he was trying to block out Andy's voice.

"I'm fine..." Andy nodded, unsatisfied, and turned to leave when Oli grabbed his hand. He looked down at him and he simply ran a thumb across his wrist, raising goosebumps across his body.

"I...sometimes I feel like..." The unspoken words hung in the air just beyond Andy's reach, and his heart seemed to stop as he waited for the rest of the sentence that would never be spoken. Oli eventually let go and returned to his former position, signalling that the moment was over. And Andy had to return to his bedroom, left in suspense, thinking over all the possibilities.

It was the next day when the real trouble started. Andy had woken to an empty apartment. He'd been in, working on lyrics all day. Sebastian had turned up on the doorstep unexpectedly at 2am, drunk. Andy had never seen him really drunk. He'd never seen him out of control. Strands of his usually slicked back hair fell across his face, framing his black eyes as he leant on the doorframe heavily. Andy was just thankful that Oli wasn't there as Sebastian straightened out and quickly pulled Andy in for a kiss that was deep from the beginning.

Andy pulled his hands away with considerable effort.
"You're drunk."

"Do you care?"

"Sort of. Wouldn't wanna take advantage." He made the joke somewhat shakily, but the lack of even a twitch of Sebastian's mouth told him that the stronger man wasn't in the mood for amusement.

"I need you. Now." There was pain in his eyes, and Andy could tell something had happened.

"I need..I need you. I need to be close to you. You're the only person who makes me feel better, Andy. You make me better. You..." He pressed a gentle kiss to Andy's lips chastely and he nodded, pushing the door closed gently.

"Ok...ok." Sebastian kisses him gently until Andy deepened it. He let him push him slowly to the back of the couch and undress him, kneeling in between his legs and taking his already hard cock in his mouth. He pulled him back upwards quickly.

"You...always know how I like it." He mumbled as he pulled of Andy's clothes clumsily, drunken hands uncoordinated, usually elegant movements sloppy and laced with desperation.

"Lube. One second." Andy breathed, moving away quickly, pushing away quiet thoughts of hesitation and regret..and Oli. He quickly returned and prepped himself, pushing himself backwards onto the bigger man until he was fully inside him. Sebastian cradled his body and began to thrust into him slowly, gentle in comparison to their usual sessions. Andy was suddenly torn out of his thoughts by a noise in the hallway and froze up, suddenly terrified.

"Bedroom." Sebastian made a whine of disappointment as he pulled away and moved into his room, closing the door behind them.

It didn't take long for Sebastian to come, when he did Andy told him to sleep and he was passed out by the time he returned from the bathroom after cleaning himself up. Andy slept on the couch, for some reason feeling guilty about their encounter.

Oli let himself be pulled into the bathroom, just grateful to be away from Shay's eyes that had been on him in the club for the past two hours. He'd stayed at the bar, watching him, taunting him. Tempting him with the promise of the fix that was guaranteed to take him out of his head. Take away the pain and thoughts of Andy. So he let a random girl pull him into the bathroom to be fucked because...well because he could. It was a different sort of high. And he needed a girl. He needed the blonde, curvy woman in front of him because she was as far removed from Andy as anyone could be. Her smile was fake, unlike his, her arrogance was nasty and serious, and she was a slut. Oli fucked her until her screams could almost be heard in the club. Afterwards he stumbled out and towards home, hoping that alcohol and an orgasm might push his thoughts away from Andy and Shay, and the ketamine that waited for him in the dealers apartment.

He woke up in the doorway of their building an hour later, confused and cold. Cursing, he clumsily let himself into the building and took the elevator upwards, hoping he wouldn't see Andy. Hoping he'd gone out.

When he walked into the apartment it was quiet, but he heard a quiet mumble and looked around, scanning the dark apartment until his eyes adjusted and he noticed Andy asleep on the couch. He walked over and looked at the pale face, his chest rose and fell evenly, his mouth open a little. Oli didn't realise he'd stood staring at the other man until he shifted in his sleep, making him jump. He looked away but couldn't quite bring himself to move. Looking back at Andy, he could allow his longing to creep in. He could let himself take in the sight of his angular jaw, his quirky eyebrows, his long eyelashes. He had an uncharacteristically stubbly chin, and the elephant t-shirt he donned was from when they were on holiday in Thailand when they were 19. He couldn't stop himself from leaning down towards Andy and only caught himself when his face was centimetres away from him. He brushed a thumb over his raven hair before walking away, trying to shake the feelings out of himself.

Andy woke up to the sound of a siren in the street. He groaned and closed the window which had been open all night. He suddenly remembered Sebastian was still there and cursed quietly. He needed to get him out of the apartment before Oli came home.

He woke him up with a coffee and aspirin and tried to encourage him to take a shower, using the excuse of "it'll make you feel better," to mask the fact he wanted him gone. He was clearly too hungover and still upset about something to see what he really meant and agreed, taking a towel from Andy's hands and moving out of the bedroom slowly, sheepishly apologising as he went.

Andy's heart hammered as he stood in the kitchen, watching the door. Almost hoping that if he stared at it in fear then Oli wouldn't come bursting through it and see his lover...fuck buddy..dom, friend, boyfriend....whoever Sebastian was.

He turned to pour himself another coffee and heard a click. He froze when he realised it was from Oli's bedroom door, and not the bathroom.
"Hi..." He turned as Oli trailed off and looked in confusion at the bathroom. He turned back to Andy with an indiscernible expression on his face.

"Oli, I-" Andy thumped the counter gently as Sebastian walked out of the bathroom, donning only a towel. Andy cringed at how good he looked. Clean, stubbly, smelling fresh, muscles shiny and on display. Oli looked him up and down and looked deflated.

"Andy I- oh...sorry. I'm guessing you're Oli?" Oli nodded almost robotically and Sebastian smiled.

"Hi, I'm Sebastian." He held out his hand and smiled warmly, Oli shook it, jaw clenching and expression turning black.

"It's great to finally meet you, Andy always talks about you."

"Does he?" Andy cringed at Oli's biting tone of voice.

"Always! Always always. Now, Sebastian lets get you some clothes!! Follow me!" He made a dash for his bedroom, pulling the taller man with him.

"Did I do something wrong? Didn't embarrass you, did I?" Andy sighed.

"No, you were perfect....you're always perfect." He smiled sweetly and Andy's stomach lurched with guilt.

"Are you gonna tell me what upset you so much last night?"

"Now's not the time. Don't worry." He pulled on his clothes and stuffed his dirty boxers into his pocket.

Andy led him out to the door and he suddenly turned back to him and took hold of his hands.

"Listen...I want to apologise for my state last night, and thank you. You helped more than you know." He kissed Andy's hands gently.

"I...you're welcome." Andy sighed heavily as Sebastian walked away and he closed the door, turning slowly to Oli who was standing with his arms folded, expression as black as thunder.

"Oli I'm sorry-"

"You could've warned me."

"I know...I know, he turned up at like two o'clock this morning drunk as hell, I didn't have time-"

"Right."

"I didn't! Look, I'm sorry! But c'mon, lets face it, if you'd've hooked up with someone you were dating then you wouldn't have warned me!"

"I wouldn't have brought them back here if all I wanted was a hookup!" He yelled, Andy snorted and nodded.

"Clearly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well you didn't bring last night's hookup home. Or the other week, or the week before that, before that, before that-"

"Alright! Look, don't turn this round on me. Bottom line, you wouldn't be happy if it was the other way around!"

"No, no I wouldn't!! Which is why I am sorry - how many times do I have to say it?!"

"This is just typical you, you- you always do shit that you'd be pissed at me for doing, but when I tell you you're a hypocrite, you act the martyr!"

"What so now I'm a hypocrite?! You're the goddamn hypocrite, this shit is the same as you!"

"Well maybe it is!! But it still doesn't change the fact that you're an asshole!"

"Well so are you! And your comment about me acting the martyr - are you serious?"

"What the fuck do you mean by that?"

"Sitting out on the balcony at night, doing drugs, walking round with this 'ooh, I'm poor little Oli, feel sorry for me' thing??? Don't tell me, I bet you're self-harming again." Oli's entire body bristled with anger.

"How dare you."

"How dare I? After all the shit I've put up with from you all these years!! How dare I?!"

"Yes! You know I'm struggling! You know I'm in pain!"

"Join the fucking club!" Oli suddenly took a swing and it was so fast it connected with Andy's jaw at full speed, knocking him backwards. He fell against the wall and hit his head. Using the wall to steady himself, he launched himself onto his friend and they wrestled with one another on the floor, scrabbling, scratching, pulling, flipping over - trying to gain enough control to hurt the other again. Andy wriggled an arm out of Oli's grasp and elbowed him in the face, sending him reeling. He took the opportunity to climb on top of him and pull his arm back for another hit, but Oli's hands were suddenly in his face, pushing his head back and scratching his skin, poking his eyes. Andy pushed his hands away but they returned on his throat and tightened. Andy scrabbled and clawed against the hands, still pinning Oli down with his legs. Oli's face was the angriest Andy had ever seen it, then he suddenly changed his grip and he was pulling Andy downwards. Andy's gasp for air was interrupted when Oli pulled the back of his neck down so their lips collided. He struggled with him still, unable to breathe as they kissed. They were kissing. Andy had a pain in his chest and then Oli was shoving him backwards and he collapsed on the floor, choking and gasping for air, clutching at the pain in his chest. Oli ran. He sprinted past him, out of the apartment, leaving the door open behind him.