Xenophobia

A white room, massive in size.
The air was light and cold.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here.

I heard the faint sound of voices and turned towards them.

A group of screens appeared in front of me.

One by one, I witnessed all of those who I have killed.
A new screen, followed by a memory of an old death.

Men.
Women.
Children.

All with purple, lavender, violet, lilac eyes, begging for mercy.

One gunshot after another.
One stab wound after another.

The screams were the same.
The blood was the same.

My heart felt heavy and my chest was tight.

Why do I feel remorse now?
Why do I regret what I’ve done now?

I fell to my knees, pressing the palms of my hands against my ears, hoping to block out the scenes that continued to play on the screens around me.

‘Please…! Please, spare us!’
‘No…! I need to stay alive! I have a wife who needs me!’

‘Please…! I’m pregnant…! Please…!’

I pressed harder, shutting my eyes tight.

‘You may kill me! But please! I beg of you: spare my children! They had nothing to do with this!’

“Stop…!”

‘No matter how much you want to deny or hide it, you are Oamenii!’
‘You are not a citizen of the Nation! You are property of the Nation’s Armed Force!’

“Stop it…!”

‘You’re a First Lieutenant now, Holland. I suggest that you start acting like one before you have more than just one individual’s blood on your hands.’

“I said STOP!!!”

The room was finally quiet, but the tears already fell.

“I’m sorry…! I’m so, so sorry…! I’ve hurt so many people…! I’ve ruined so many lives…! And I regret everything I’ve done!”

I tried to wipe away the tears, but only more fell.

“But it’s too late to apologize, isn’t it? I’m a monster who killed hundreds without hesitation…Do I even deserve to live anymore…?”

I heard a voice again, but it was different.

It was warm and inviting.

I looked up to see a single screen, visions of Mother and Ana. Of Grand-père and Grand-mère.
All pleasant memories from my childhood.

But, that was ruined so quickly, all because I decided to leave Mother and Ana alone at home that day.
Because I decided to take Grand-père’s life instead of taking in what he told me.

Still, I heard the familiar laughter from my family through the screens in front of me.

Am I being tortured again?

‘Luke?’

I froze, hearing another all-too-familiar voice. One that brought tears to my eyes again.

‘I know what my orders were, but I’m not going to stop loving you because of them. You’re my boyfriend, and nothing is going to change that.’

I sat on the ground, hugging my knees to my chest.

‘Okay, imagine that in the future, the war is over and everyone is starting to live in peace together. Would you…Would you be willing to marry me?’

The tears wouldn’t stop falling.

‘You can’t help being who you are on missions, Luke. You follow orders when given, and you follow them exactly. I compromised the mission; you put me in my place in order to complete it. It’s just the way you are. It’s the way you’ve always been. And I still love you all the same.’

I covered my ears again, not wanting to hear any more of his voice.

“Why is this playing? He’s probably dead now because of me…because I opened my mouth and threatened Ivanov…because couldn’t protect him when he needed me to! Why does this matter anymore?!”

“Luke…Please, wake up…”

My heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice again – a sound that didn’t come from the screens in front of me.

“Please, I need you to be okay. I love you so much, and I just…I just need you to be okay…!”
I smiled, quickly wiping the tears away.

He has to be okay, right…?! If I open my eyes, he’ll be in front of me, breathing and unharmed, right?!

“Please, Luke!”

My eyes shot open and frantically scanned the room as I struggled to catch my breath.

“Luke?! Oh my god, you’re awake!”

Before my eyes could even find him, Zack was already hovering over me, resting his forehead against mine with tears in his eyes as his lips pressed against mine for a short moment.

“Did they hurt you…?”
“No…I’m fine. I thought I was going to lose you…!”

“Your friend is awake?”

We both looked towards the voice – a small elderly woman who was Oamenii.

Zack nodded with a huge smile on his face before looking back at me.
His smile fell a little.

“What’s wrong…?”
“Nothing. It’s just…I never seen your eyes turn grey before…”

No…
That means…

The woman was about to speak, concern etched in her features, but I shook my head slightly to stop her.

“Zack…”
“Hm?”

“I feel really tired…and before I go back to sleep, I feel that I need to tell you something.”
“Yeah…?”

It was getting harder to breathe, but I ignored it for now.

“Please, don’t go back home. It’s not safe for you anymore.”
“But Ivanov…he did this to you—”

“This fight isn’t yours anymore. Ivanov wanted you dead, but he doesn’t know if you’re alive or not. This is your chance to escape while you can.”

“It’s our chance to escape, Luke.” He corrected me.

I gave him a sad smile.

“Yeah…we’ll both escape…”
“And then we’ll get married, right?”

He grabbed a hold of my hand, gently brushing my knuckles with his thumb.
My smile grew slightly.

I struggled more to breathe properly.

“Of course…but you have to promise me that you won’t go back home. It’s not safe…”
He hesitated at first, but he eventually agreed.

He knew something was wrong.

“I love you, Zack…”
“I love you too, Luke…”

He bit down on his lip.

“Don’t go to sleep, okay? Not yet…”

I shook my head, my eyes starting to close.

“Luke…?”
“I’m sorry, Zack…I really am…but I’m tired…and I need to rest…okay…?”

“Luke…?!”
I didn’t respond.

“Luke…! Please…!”

His voice grew fainter as he continued to call my name more frantically each time.

This isn’t how I imagined ending up, but…
…At least no one has to worry about the Human War Machine ending any more lives.

Zack will be okay without me. I trust him to do so.

And…I’m okay with ending up this way.