Xenophobia

“Alright, Zack. Our session…begins…now.”
The small click! of the tape recorder followed soon after.

Small pads were stuck to my chest and my temples as they connected to a couple of machines.

Brain activity on the top screen.
Heart rate on the bottom one.

‘ANXIETY’ read in the corner of the screen adjacent to the other two.

“Now, I want you to talk to me. Tell me anything that has been or is on your mind.”

I stared up at the ceiling from my position on the reclined chair.

Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.

“Nothing? Not even one thought that has been bothering you for the longest.”

Inhale. Exhale.

“There’s nothing new to talk about. The same things haunt me over and over again.”
“What we’re those things again, Zack?”

“You have your notebook in your hand; I’m sure you have the answer in it.”
“What you say now will be different from what I’ve written down in the past. Each change in detail or reaction is very crucial for me to help you, Zack. I can’t do so unless you talk to me.”

Inhale. Exhale.

I closed my eyes shut.

“I asked my b—…my friend if I hadn’t done the things that I have, would things be different? If I hadn’t killed those two orphans; if I hadn’t drowned an old man, attempting to get information out of him; if…if I hadn’t…”

My lip quivered as I let out a shaky breath.

“If I hadn’t killed the women and daughter that were held hostage as an incentive…would anything be different?!”
“Those were all orders given to you, correct? You had no choice but to carry them out.”

“I did have a choice. Every time, I’ve had a choice; and every time, I carried them out, fearing that if I don’t, I could pay the price with my life. But what’s a single soldier’s life compared to thousands of innocent lives?!”

I opened my eyes, furiously wiping the tears away.

The screen now read ‘ANGER’ and ‘GUILT’.

“Every time I fall asleep, I’m haunted by all of the things that I have done, and I dread the things that I will do in the future. I know this fight is far from over, now…”

A moment of silence.

“What images do you see when you’re asleep?”
“Memories. I see detailed memories every time.”

“And at one time, you described your sleep as ‘being stuck inside’ and ‘unable to wake up if you wanted to’. Also, you mentioned once that you forgot who your ‘friend’ was for a moment when you woke up. Are these things still occurring?”

“I’m still stuck in my nightmares, unable to wake myself up…”
“And the amnesia?”

I shut my eyes again.

“It was only that one time…and I never want to experience that again. He’s too important to forget…”

“Hansen?”

No response.

“Hansen? Are you okay?”

I didn’t turn towards the voice calling out to me.
I stared, wide-eyed, at the two limp bodies with bullet holes in them.

“It’s just like the orphans. More innocent people, killed. And I just followed orders like a fucking dog.”

“There’s no use in thinking too much about it, Hansen. They would have been dead one way or another. And you’re gonna have to get used to killing soon. We follow orders without questions. This is the reality we live in now.”

The sound of footsteps before the slamming of the door.

I was left alone with the corpses.

There was another slam, but more faint than the other.

“I’ve done what you have ordered me to do! Now, let them go!”

The faint sound of a boy yelling.

“I’m afraid that’s going to be a problem.”
The commander’s voice.

“It seems that your mother and sister were also part of the terrorist group.”
“Lies! They had nothing to do with—”

“Your mother had a knife tied around her thigh. She was planning to attack.”

I looked down to see a knife, resting on the floor near the older woman.

No…

“She was protecting my sister and I from attacks by the likes of you people!”
“I’m sorry, but she couldn’t be trusted.”

The corpse of a small child next to the woman.

No…!

“Just let them go! They are innocent!”
“I already told you that it’s problematic to do so.”

“Then at least let me speak to them!”
“…Fine.”

Don’t open the door.

The sound of footsteps.

Don’t open the door.

Coming closer and closer.

Please don’t open—

The door opened, and a loud, agonizing scream followed soon after.

“Zack?”

My eyes shot open, frantically looking around the room.
My body was trembling and I could barely breathe properly.

I looked up at the screens.

High levels of brain activity.
Heart rate: 102 BPM.

‘HORROR’. ‘GUILT’. ‘ANXIETY’.

“I feel we should end our session here. Go home and get some rest, Zack. I will see you next week.”

| x | x | x |

“You’re not sleeping?”
“N-No…Not tonight…It’s going to be horrible if I do.”

Luke didn’t ask any more questions.
He straddled me before leaning down to kiss me.

“What do you want me to do?”

He stared at me, waiting for me to speak.
I sat up, placing my hands onto his cheeks before gently kissing him back.

“I just want you to keep me awake.”

He nodded before pushing me to lie back down on the bed.
He brought his lips to my neck, gently kissing and biting anywhere possible.

I wasn’t asleep, yet I still couldn’t help but to hear the boy’s scream in my head.

“Luke…?”
“Hm?”

A tear fell.

“I-I’m sorry.”

He sat up and wiped the tear away before shaking his head slightly with a small, sad smile.

“Why do you keep apologizing? I’m not angry with you. I don’t love you any less. I have moved on. So please, don’t apologize for the past anymore, okay?”

He quickly moved down to place love bites onto my stomach, but I still saw the tear that rolled down his cheek.

Liar.