Make It to Me

Adaline woke to a soft tapping on her door. She called for James to come in as she propped up in bed, trying to meet his eyes. His were purposefully downcast, avoiding, guilty.

“I’m sorry Adds.” James scuffed the wood floor with his bare foot.

“Jamie…I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but you don’t have to apologize. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Adaline coaxed him. His teal eyes looked toward where Adaline sat on the bed, her brown tresses wildly curled. He smiled at her rumpled state, and felt his heart warm at her loving smile. James was losing it, but Adaline was a constant spot of love and warmth. Giving him the unconditional support he was craving, taking care of him like a sister would.

“I still shouldn’t have snapped.” James said uncertainly, still trying to decide if Adaline was serious in her apology. Adaline patted the spot on the bed next to her, inviting him to come sit down. Instantly, he jumped at the opportunity. He lay down on the open spot, his back flat, eyes closing.

“We’re going to make it though this, even if we shouldn’t have to.” Adaline assured him.

“It doesn’t seem like it some-days.” James said with closed lids. The silence stretched between them some more, before he finally turned his head toward her.

“What?”

“Can we go visit her?”

“Of course we can.” Adaline tried to smile, only she found it hard thinking about going to see Sara’s grave.

~
Adaline pushed herself up from the bed, noticing she had a text notification from Sidney. She closed her phone before reading it. James had gone to get dressed to head over to the cemetery and to give Joyce a call.

Adaline slipped into a red and green flannel shirt, dark wash jeans, and a pair of knew high, brown faux leather boots. She swept her hair into a ponytail and walked down stairs to find James in a sweatshirt and jeans. She shoved her hands in her back pocket as James led them into the garage and into the sleek black car.

Pittsburgh was cloudy and grey outside. Moisture clung to the air, weighing it down, making it thick. Adaline struggled to draw breath, whether it was the air or the destination, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

James swiveled the car into a parking spot and waited for Adaline to step out. He tensed his shoulders as Adaline placed her hand on his arm, giving him a slight squeeze, letting him know she was there. He waited for her arm to drop to her side before threading his fingers through hers, clinging so tightly his knuckles turned white and her bones protested. She said nothing as he began walking toward the iron gates and stone walkway.

His gait was slow, steady as he led Adaline up the path and toward the large willow tree where Sara was buried by. Adaline had a less graceful gait, her feet tumbling into one another and buckling slightly with each step. Adaline was hyperaware to her surroundings, the bird cawing in the distance, the soft cries of a mourner nearby, the deafening silence between herself and James.

They walked underneath the willow tree and the short distance past it to the black marble headstone laying flat on the earth.

Sara Neal
Wife
Daughter
Best friend

James gasped softly as he looked down at the ground. Adaline’s heart clenched and contracted. James let go of her hand and dropped to his knees in front of the marble slab. His large hands balled in fists and rested on his thighs as he sat back on his haunches. Adaline was helpless. Her mind begged to reach out, to comfort James. Her mind begged her to say something, to help him. But, she was frozen. Her eyes were locked on the words written in stone, the words that were permanent. Being back at the grave site was much harder than it was when she was first there, burying Sara. Perhaps the time that had elapsed made reality sink in that Sara was indeed gone and never coming back.

James had gone silent kneeling on the ground slightly in front of her. Part of her wanted to step forward and place a hand on his shoulder, assure him everything would be alright, but that would be helping him grieve. Looking back at the time that passed since Sara died made her realize that her continually supporting James and trying to reach out to him was her avoiding her grief. Sure she had cried, and she had talked about Sara’s death, but was any of that really grieving for her? Was she simply trying to stay busy taking care of Sara to the point that she could avoid fully opening herself up to all of the pain she had in store? How did she even grieve for a loss that momentous? How does one grieve when life doesn’t make sense anymore?

So, Adaline stood there and looked at the headstone and froze. She froze because she was hit with a ton of grief and she froze because she didn’t know how to grieve.

~
Later that evening Adaline had returned home and ordered takeout for her and James, who she hadn’t seen since they got back.

She noticed a car drive up and idle in the driveway. She, the hungry little human she was, quickened her pace until she reached the window. Pushing the curtain aside, expecting to see some beat up teenager’s car was met with a confusing yellow car. What was a taxi doing outside of James’s house? They weren’t expecting someone.

The sound of wheels rolling down the staircase was like a weight sinking in her stomach. She didn’t have to turn around to realize who and what were coming down the stairs. She didn’t have to turn around to have her heart shattered, she was capable of filling in all of the missing pieces on her own.

Slowly her arms wrapped around the small of her waist and her nails dug into her skin, likely leaving marks. Her chest seemed to constrict and a lump formed in her throat, unshed tears just waiting to form at what James was going to say to her. She wouldn’t turn around from looking out the window. If she saw him with a suitcase and a guilty look on his face she might not be able to control what she was going to say. She might not be able to hold it together the way he needed her to right now.

“Adaline?” James’s soft whisper shattered the deafening silence floating between them. She flinched at the sound of his voice. “I just…Adaline?” He asked again.

“Hmm?” she answered, her eyes still locked on the headlights of the taxi cab.

“I…I booked a flight. I just…I don’t think I can stay here anymore.” He fumbled out, his voice clogged with emotion. Her eyes seemed to wet and the perfect orbs of light outside seemed to melt the way light looks as it flies by. He took a step closer to her and the wheels of his suitcase scraped across the wood floor.

“I’m sorry Adaline…I just can’t take it.” With that he stepped behind her and squeezed her shoulder and placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hair. With one more sigh he wheeled the suitcase out the door and walked out to the taxi and didn’t look back once.

She watched the whole thing from the window and stood there long after the cab pulled out of the drive way and took James away. She was angry at herself for resenting James for running. She was angry that it was so easy for him to run when she’d been fighting the urge for so long. Not once did she give in on running from him and from Sara. She stayed because she couldn’t break his heart but it proved so easy for him.

Violently she wiped away the physical evidence of her sadness from under her eyes and pulled her phone from her back pocket. Two unread texts from Sidney and one missed call from her father greeted her. She ignored all of it and dialed the number for the Pittsburgh airport.
“Hello. When is your soonest flight to Los Angeles?”

~
Sidney hadn’t heard from Adaline in two days. He had texted her the first day and called once the second. Maybe she just needed some space and he was determined to respect that. But, nevertheless it was bothering him beyond belief that she hadn’t at least told him that. They had a great line of communication. They were open with one another, they discussed things in ways that he hadn’t even done in committed relationships. He sincerely believed they were growing something real and mature. Then there was this curve ball thrown into it all and he was confused and hurt.

So, when his plan landed in Pittsburgh it took everything in him to not drive his car over to James’s house and confront her about it. Instead, he drove home and flipped on reruns of Friends and tried to forget about Adaline at least for the night. Try as he might his mind constantly wandered back to her caramel brown hair that turned a stunning gold when the setting sun hit it. Her small freckles that dotted the underside of her eyes that were so delicate and sweet. He thought of the subtle way her breath caught when he first pressed his lips to her and the way her rib cage pushed against his when he pulled her close. To say that she drove him insane was an understatement.

‘You might want to check on Adaline. I left pretty quick and I want to make sure she’s good’ The text came from James and immediately put Sidney on edge about what was going on.

Sidney didn’t rely and immediately called Adaline again. The phone rang and rang and never picked up. Her voicemail greeted him and he clicked the phone off as he got up and swiped his keys off the table and set off toward James’s house.

The short drive over left him nervous and upset. He wanted her to reach out to him and just let him help her get through her fears and pains. Quickly he trotted up to the stairs toward the front door and knocked several times. Nothing. He waited for a minute and tried again. Nothing.

“Are you looking for the girl?” A small, wobbly voice called out to him. Immediately Sidney swung around and searched. He found a younger boy standing next to his bike at the end of the driveway.

“Yes…I am. Do you know where she is?” Sidney asked him.

“She left. A cab took her to the airport. She promised she’d be back though!” He smiled cheerfully at the thought of her coming back. Sidney wasn’t exactly sure how he should react. It was like a punch right to the gut. He understood space. But leaving and flying to the other side of the country without a word was something else entirely.

He mumbled a thank you and walked back to his car dejected. He drove back home that night and drank one too many beers to numb the pain and tried to forget about the dangerous ache in his chest.

~
It had been four days since Adaline had left Pittsburgh and two since Sidney had tried to contact her last. She wanted to just pick up the phone and let him know she had left. She wanted to call and just talk to him. Let the sound of his melodic and soothing voice ease her worries and pain. But, she couldn’t. She was adamant about being alone and her reasons for it were even becoming distant to her now.

It was early morning in LA and she was ready to get out of her apartment for the day. She carefully slipped on a basic, black long sleeved fitted shirt and tucked it into a high waisted, midi blue and white floral skirt. Her black pumps and dark sunglasses were the finishing touches. Running errands was enough to keep her busy enough to not obsessively check her phone every few minutes to see if James had called or Sidney had reached out to her.

On her way back to her apartment a figure out of the left corner of her eye caught her attention. She whipped her head around to see Sidney leaning against the side of her building. His baseball cap would have deterred most but for her it was the way she recognized him. Tan arms strained against a black shirt as the LA sun beat down on him. Her breath caught at the sight of him here. Here standing right in front of her. He looked better than he did before they were separated, but that’s probably because that whole distance makes the heart grow fonder thing.

“What…What are you doing here?” Adaline asked him confused. His intent gaze seemed to turn a bit darker.

“Well, when the girl I’m serious about decides to fly across the country without a word and continues that way…” Sidney trailed off. Instantly, regret and guilt stabbed Adaline.

“I’m so sorry.” She mumbled looking down at her feet.

“The funny thing is this conversation feels like we’ve gone through it before.” Sidney countered. It was clear to Adaline that she had royally screwed up and she wasn’t about to be let off the hook.

“I…Do you want to come inside?” Adaline asked him. She wanted to explain everything to him, wanted to be able to fix it. The truth was she really just wanted to wrap her arms around him and forget about the outside world for a little while.

He hesitated for only a moment before he nodded and followed her thought the glass door toward the elevator. The entire ride up was wrong. They weren’t speaking or standing near each other. It felt like there was an entire ocean separating them, pulling them away from each other before they really had a chance to begin. And Adaline realized that it was her fault.

She slowly slipped her key into the lock and opened Sidney up to her world. Austen came running from the sofa and greeted Adaline immediately, purring and rubbing against her legs.

“Hi kitty.” Adaline whispered as she walked further into the room, dropping off her groceries in the kitchen.

Adaline’s apartment was very small and relied on the illusion of an open floor plan. Her front door opened right into her living room which had the kitchen table a bit further into the room and the kitchen rested at the very back of the space. Her entire apartment felt warm from the earthy hues that invited everyone in to sit down.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Adaline asked nervously.

“I’m fine thanks.’ Sidney watched her intensely. She motioned for the couch and he sat down waiting for him to join him.

“I’m not entirely too certain what to say.” Adaline admitted.

“Well, you could start with why you left. Or why you felt it would be a good idea not to tell anyone. Or why you avoided my calls and I found out that out you left from the neighbor kid.” Sidney stated.

“I really am Sidney. I don’t know why I left. James left and felt all alone; like I had nobody else in the world and it all became too much.”

“But that’s the thing Adaline.” Sidney reached out for her hand waiting for her to look at him. Timidly she raised her eyes from her lap to stare into the caramel pools that softened her. Slowly, she squeezed his hand back. “You’re not alone anymore. I’m here for you.”

Her breath lodged in her throat.

“You have to stop running from me Adaline. That’s part of me being here for you. When you’re hurting you can’t just run from me and act as if I’m not here.” Sidney said sternly.

“I’m just not used to having that…having someone that’s going to be there always.” Adaline’s eyes watered as she looked at him.

“You had best get used to it, because I have no intention of leaving anytime soon. I’m serious about my feelings for you because everyday that we’re together and especially the days we’re apart I know that we have something real.” Sidney revealed. Warmth filled her entire body and the smile that tugged at her cheeks couldn’t be helped. She had been searching for something like this for a long time now, determined not to settle until she found that instant connection.

“I feel the exact same way.” She smiled warmly at him. He leaned back against the couch and held his arms out for her. Immediately, she scooted across the couch, tucking her feet up underneath her, and leaned back resting her head on his chest. His large, powerful arms encircled her with all the tenderness in the world as he simply let her feel his presence. A deep exhale later and her tears tried.

“What do you say? Why don’t I stay in town for a couple days and you can show me LA?” Sidney asked pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“I think that’s the best idea you’ve had all day.” Adaline chuckled and turned her head into his warm inviting body. “Hey Sidney?” she turned her face upward toward his.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for not letting me run from you.” With that he bent his head down and pressed a quick kiss against her lips.