Loss For Words

I just wanted to see it again, just one more time, that beautiful lodge that stood alone in the woods. It has been years since my family has spent time in that magical place. The last time I remember going was when I was about ten years old before my mom passed. She always loved it and the location because of how private it was. She always said it was her home away from home. The roads do get pretty vulgar during the winter because of how narrow and confusing they become. A blanket of snow covered everything around me on my drive making it impossible to see a thing. I could not wait till I was sitting by the fire, wrapped up in a warm blanket, and a cup of hot tea in hand. By now the snow was getting worse and my one main worry was whether my car would make it. I should not even be out on the road in the first place, but in my defense it started to get really bad about an hour ago when the sun started to set. My heartbeat began to rise as I felt the wind harshly hit the side of my car. I must be so paranoid right now because I swear I heard someone whisper “Clarissa,” as I hit a patch of black ice, making me lose control of the car. I stomped on the brakes as I fishtailed, my tires screeching, trying to turn the opposite direction to straighten out. In one quick motion I felt my heart drop as my car skidded to the edge. I could feel my car tip and slowly begin to tumble down the cliff. My last vision was my steering wheel as I closed in on it. After was nothing but black.
My eyes fluttered before I opened them wide to look around me. My first thought was “Where am I?” Looking around snow coated everything. The world around me seems almost as if I were in a globe because from where I stood the distance far in front of me dissolved into black. The air seemed soft and the wind was just barely there. There was light that ended in the distance of where I could not see. I must have had a really hard night to of ended up here. I feel absolutely nothing, but worry set it fast. I must find help. Someone has got to be around to help me, someone like a ranger, or just anyone. I slowly picked up my feet and stagger through the snow, but it is not the kind of snow that mushed beneath your feet. It felt as if I were walking on a cloud. It felt soothing and less jarring for my feet. I hike along with every step I took more trees in front of me would disappear as more showed up behind me. “Hello?! Anyone?” I yelled out, but I could only hear my echoes.
I have no idea where I am going. I am only hoping to find someone who can help me find my way back. I could be in a different state for all I know. How could I have ended up in this place? I am not one to get lost or even have one of those nights. I do not even drink that much, but when I do I can hold my liquor unlike many friends of mine. There is no way I could have drank that much to wake up in the woods with no recollection of my night before.
“Hello?!” I yell one more time hoping for someone to answer back, but there is nothing. There is no other sound around me except for my own breathing and walking. I could feel my heartbeat pound as I slowly and ultimately come to the conclusion that I am utterly lost and alone. I do not know what is out here except for all these damn trees and not the clearest path in front of me.
I stopped a moment as I noticed out the corner of my eye something shine in the hole of a tree. I walk over to it, peeking in suspiciously, and slowly reaching my hand towards the object. It felt rough around the edges as I grasped the object in my hand and lifting it out. Glass, it was a piece of broken glass. As I focused on it for a second my head flew back as sounds of shattering glass, crushing metal and screeching tires rang my ears. I stumbled falling on my back dropping the piece in the snow. I felt bewildered; confusion took over as I rubbed my eyes. I felt around for the piece and could not find it as if it just vanished out of thin air. I must be dreaming, I am sitting in the snow without feeling I am getting soaked by it either. It does not even feel like snow, what the hell is it? Where the hell am I?!
I stand up and the tree that stood in front of me seconds before vanished. My eyes widen “It’s a dream Clarissa, you’re dreaming, just wake up… wake up now,” fiercely rubbing my eyes I try anything. I slap myself in the face, pinch myself, nothing is working! Taking off running going as fast as I can I yell, “Wake up! I want to wake up now!”
Nothing has changed from when I first opened my eyes, there still are trees that you can only see for a certain distance until they disappear and the ground still did not feel like snow. Tears streamed down my face as this place did not change. No matter how far or fast I ran it looked the same as where I was standing before. “Please! I want to wake up!”
I stop and fall to the ground sobbing into my hands, “I’m stuck, this isn’t real… nothing is.”
Suddenly there were voices, and laughing, sounding distant. Sluggishly raising my head the “snow” that surrounded me before is just barely there. Looking around the trees became more visible and snow lightly dusted the grounds and nature around me. The voices though, they are there, but coming from further away. Gradually lifting myself back up to my feet, I pace myself as I become more and more curious. Whipping tears from my face the voices sound closer, “Bill don’t burn those this time,” came a familiar voice.
“Mom?” I start to move faster and faster.
I sight the activity and stop, I remember this, this is my thirteenth birthday party. It was at our old home back in Ohio; a beautiful two story home with very intricate detail all around, surrounded by strikingly colorful trees. It was one of my favorite memories before my mom died. My mom was getting at my dad to make sure he would not burn the burgers again like he did the year before. My old friends, my older sister and brother, Carly and Colin were all by the pool as I was about to do a cannon ball. “Clarissa sweetie, it’s almost time to cut the cake!” Mom yelled.
I saw myself, the little thirteen year old me, this is so strange. I’m wearing a red two piece swim suit, but before I even got to do my cannon ball I run over to the table. Everyone was gathering around as my mom started lighting the candles on my cake beginning to sing “Happy Birthday” as others followed along.
Standing here watching this brought tears to my eyes, especially just hearing my mother’s voice, it has been years since I heard it. I watch myself blow out the candles as everyone cheered. “There is just one more thing before we all eat cake,” my mother said, “Clarissa, your father and I would like to give you your gift now.”
I received a small box; I remember that gift and the joy that arose to my face. “Oh my god this is so beautiful! Thank you so much mom and dad! I love it!”
It was a small, very delicate necklace with a silver rose pendent on it. That became an important aspect of my everyday attire from then on. I watch myself get up and hug my parents as even more tears formed in my eyes as I watch from a distance. “Happy Birthday Sweet Pea,” my mother said as she kissed me on the forehead. God I miss her so much! I miss her booming laughed, the way she smelled, her smile that could light up a room. I missed everything about her.
The scene begun to fade away as tears stained my face and I started to walk fast toward it. “No! Please come back! Mom!” I scream and plead.
I stop in my tracks as the image completely disappears and I look around. It is still the same scenery as it was before. This feeling of abandonment is rising in me as I gasp for air between breaths crying my eyes out. I want to leave! Please get me out of this nightmare! If this is a dream I need to wake up now! It is as if someone is toying with me, playing with my emotions, taunting me. I wearily move my feet and walk on rubbing my face. The light around me is fading slowly as I keep walking faster and faster and then I stop as a light shines down in front of me revealing another memory. A memory that has been burned into my thoughts: the day my mother passed away.
I was sixteen at the time and it was just like any other day. I was at my old Ohio house in the basement playing video games with my brother, Colin. My dad was not home at the time this happened.
Colin and I are yelling at the screen as I am about to defeat him in Soul Calibur as Carly unexpectedly walked down the stairs. She stood there watching as I brutally killed his character and won. “Hey can you go wake up mom Clarissa?” Carly whispers to me.
“Yeah… sure,” I say confused by why she couldn’t have done it herself.
I walk up the stairs to my parents room and turn in and just stood there looking at her a moment. She was lying in bed when I walked in, but had a foot over her purse and her arm resting over her phone. I looked at her face and there was blue under her eyes, something seemed wrong here so I grab her arm and shake it expecting her to awake with a startle like she always did. “Mom? Mom?” She isn’t waking up, “Mom! Mom, wake up!” I scream.
“What, what’s happening?!” Carly and Colin both run when they hear me yell.
“I don’t know… she isn’t waking up… I don’t know what to do,” as tears start to form in my eyes.
Watching this brought back every single emotion I felt that night pour out of me. I did not want to watch it, but I could not remove my eyes from the scene.
“Mom? Mom! Mom!” Colin screams as he lifts her arm hoping it’ll wake her.
I stood there in the doorway, not knowing what to do. I was thinking it wasn’t real. I had a lump in my throat as I tried to hold back tears hoping she would wake up any moment. But then tears came out fast, I couldn’t hold them back no matter how hard I tried. I run to pick up the phone to call Dad. I wait for him to answer as my nose becomes stuffy and then he answers, “Dad…”I sob into the phone.
“Clarissa? What’s wrong?!” My dad’s voice sounded worried.
“Mom…she isn’t waking up… we don’t know what to do…” sobbing in between every sentence I could get out.
“Oh God! I’m on my way,” my dad frantically said.
I rush back to the room seeing Colin and Carly standing there holding each other crying hysterically.
I stand re-watching one of the worst days of my life, as if it weren’t as bad the first time, here it is again to kill me. My siblings and I became lost without our mother’s response to us to trying to wake her up. The scene faded away as the sounds of cries wither away into blackness which is exactly the way I feel right now. Mom, why did you have to leave?! Why did you leave me behind, leave your family behind?! A fit of rage and sadness showered over me as I punched the tree standing next to me as hard as I could. I stopped as if it felt my heart were ripped out, stomped on, and torn into bits and pieces again. I look down at my fists and not a scratch appeared on them. This is unbelievable! I hit that damn tree as hard as I possibly could and nothing happened, nothing at all. I just want out of this hellhole, this nightmare, it has done nothing good but jab the knife in my heart repeatedly. I want to go home as I sob into my hands.
Another light shines down in front of me, oh great what else is in store for me? I would rather die than live to see another day. “Clarissa,” a voice said near to me.
A figure zoomed in on me getting closer and closer showing it to be the person I keep dearly to my heart. Someone I thought I wouldn’t see again until the day I died. I am at a loss for words as tears envelope my eyes completely. My mother opens her arms up to me as I embrace her crying into her shoulder. She strokes my hair, “its okay Sweet Pea, I’m here.”
“I… missed you… so much mom,” pressing my face into her shoulder. I hug her feeling her arms wrap around me, feeling so protected. I miss this so much I dreamed about it ever since she died
“Clarissa, sometimes times come and people are at a loss for words,” she said as I move my face away from her shoulder, fumbled by what she is talking about.
“I… I don’t understand.”
“There is no easy way to say this,” my mother paused, “but… there was an accident… and you… did not make it.”
“No… no… I can’t be dead,” rubbing my face with much force, “I’m only twenty three… I still have so much of my life to live…”
“I am here to guide you and as you know my time has been up for some time now,” my mother said sweetly rubbing my cheek, “so I know how this all goes.”
“I… just don’t understand,” puzzled by what I just heard, “where must you guide me?”
“I am helping you settle or as you can say choosing your path wisely and there is nothing better than the comfort of a mother’s support,” she says softly.
“But… how did I die?” I ask.
“Here, I’ll show you,” as she places her hand on my forehead.
A rush of images invade my head, I see me driving what looks like to be the middle of a snow storm. The burst of wind hitting the side of my car and then the patch of black ice making me lose control. I’m fishtailing all over the road; I can hear tires screeching and then metal crushing. Everything is spinning as I hit the steering wheel.
I open my eyes and I remember I was going to the lodge and knew right then it was a bad idea to be out on the road. My mother looks at me, “I know it is hard and a lot to take in, but everything happens for a reason.”
“I…I… I…” my thoughts jumble as no words come out of my mouth.
“Clarissa, Sweet Pea,” she says reaching her hands out slowly, “take my hands, I’ll take you to one more place.”
I gently take her hands in mine as I close my eyes. We show up at a door when I open them as it turns out to be our winter lodge. The door opens as my mom holds my hands in hers, but I stop and hesitate when I look at the open door. I move my feet looking at her as she smiles at me. We then slowly walk through the threshold.