I'm Not as Strong as I Look

Zack Merrick was a youtuber. Not Tyler Oakley famous, but famous nonetheless. His videos consisted of awkward introductions, horrible puns, crappy advice, and a song every single video. He was a little weird, but it was kind of adorable and his fans absolutely adored him. Also, he may say otherwise, but his advice was pretty good. Online, he was loved.

What about real life? Now that-that was another story. Everyone really pitied Zack or tortured him. Now some thought he was a complete loser, but they didn’t touch a single cell on his body. Others didn’t really care about him, but they still hurt him to fit in. He had a few friends, but they weren’t all that close. He was a naturally reserved person so he wasn’t as close to them as they were to each other. He was okay with that though. His parents were nice, loved him very much, but they weren’t around all that often. Being an only child, Zack’s always been lonely.

It was a bad day for him – more so than usual. People made more comments, more punches. His friends had lunch detention; his parents couldn’t leave him a note that morning. He wasn’t just lonely that day – he was completely and utterly alone. That wasn’t good. Zack went into his room and stared at his reflection in the mirror, slowly taking off his shirt. He cringed at the amount of bruises on his sides and stomach. He lightly poked one particularly large one and yelped at the pain.

What did he do to deserve this? Honestly, nothing. He hadn’t done anything hurtful to anyone else. He was just weak, an easy target for them. Zack knew that. He hated that. He looked at his eyes in the mirror. Surprisingly, he wasn’t scared about how dull they were. He didn’t care that tears were forming and that his body slightly shook. He wasn’t scared anymore.

He knew what he wanted to do, but he couldn’t just go. He had to say some things first. He had to tell some people goodbye. He sat down and got everything ready before turning his camera on. Zack smiled and waved at the camera, “Hey guys. This video is… well, different to put it simply.” He chuckled awkwardly at his word choice, but he really shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t an appropriate situation.

“I’ve always wanted to travel the world. I wanted to visit different lands and experience the cultures there. I wanted to make music. I wanted someone to think about me and feel so happy. I wanted to take pictures of beautiful things. I wanted to be special. I wanted to become someone worth something. I wanted to make a difference,” he paused and took a deep breath, “But I won’t.”

He paused to wonder if anyone would be scared at that point. He couldn’t help but let out a short, bitter laugh. That fear they felt would be short lived. No one really cared about him. No one would miss him for long. Other youtubers would be happy, more fans for them right?

He started again, “I’m nothing great. I’m stupid, honestly, I don’t know why I try with advice. I have so many flaws, god, I just hate myself so much. Look at me. I’m disgusting. I pity myself when my life isn’t bad, I pity myself when so many others have it worse. Why do you all like me?” His voice broke at the last word as he cried. He never understood how he ever got fans. He didn’t know why people liked Zack Merrick. How could anyone like him when he hated himself?

“I hate my body. I hate my laugh. I hate my smile. I hate my hair. I’m rude and selfish. I push people away. I don’t talk to people. I don’t defend myself. I’m fucking pointless. I’m not worth anyone’s time.” Sobs racked his body, but he had to pull himself together. Everyone probably knew what was going to happen by now. He couldn’t show anymore weakness. He wasn’t scared.

“Even though I say all this, I will give one last bit of advice. Don’t give up. I know I’m being hypocritical but, please, don’t ever. There’s nothing in my future, but you guys… that’s another story. You can achieve anything you set your mind to. You can change the world. You all are going places! I’ve talked to quite a bit of you privately, and you all are so wonderful. Even the ones I haven’t talked to, I know that you’re amazing. You’re all brilliant and beautiful and I don’t ever want you guys to take the same path I’m taking.”

Tears kept falling off his face as Zack gripped the arms of his chair. Everything was building up inside and he needed to let it out. He needed to finish the fucking video. He wiped his face hastily and shakily moved his hand to the computer mouse.

“This is the final song guys, most requested too. Here’s The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars.” He pressed play and backed his chair up a bit. He smiled sadly at the camera, leaning back in the chair as Jared’s voice started to fill the room. All of his emotions were getting to him as he started to cry again. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t strong enough, I’m sorry for being weak. I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispered, closing his eyes tightly. This was what he wanted. Throughout the whole song, all he could was sob and whisper apologies as he shook. The song ended and he choked, “I love you so much. Goodbye.”

Zack uploaded the video and started making a post on Facebook. He only posted the link after he finished uploading and the title, “What’s more selfish?” Zack smiled softly as comments already poured in, a lot being something along the lines of, “Yes! A new video, love you Zack!” Of course, it warmed his heart, but he had posted the video. It was too late. He reached to his last drawer desk and opened it, pulling out the cold, black object – his father’s handgun. He laughed softly, remembering what his father had said when showing him where it was. ‘This is for your protection, Zachary.’ The humor was short lived though. He placed the gun in his mouth, slightly trembling. He’s not scared anymore. This is what he wants. He’s sorry. His last thought was, ‘How loud is this going to be?’