Letters to Nikolai

I remember the exact day you finally decided it was over between us. It happened on November 23, 2014. (I forgive you for ruining my holidays) It surprised me completely. After you did it, I realized that earlier I had told you I loved you and you didn't respond. It didn't seem off to me at the time, but after you said goodbye I realized what it all meant. I wasn't sure if you didn't love me anymore, but I was sure that you didn't want to be with me anymore.

I waited a while to write this all down because I needed to collect all my thoughts together. I didn't want this to all be a jumbled up mess and I wanted time to cool down and accept what has happened. Before I really dive into it, I want to remind you that I love you and I am so very proud of you. Don't worry about me. I'm okay and I understand your reasons.

I don't remember the exact day that we met. All I remember is that a few days after we met you kept letting me know that your birthday was coming up and you pestered me relentlessly for a gift.

I knew almost immediately that something beautiful would happen between us. I couldn't have guessed that I would fall so entirely in love with you, but I knew that at the very least we would have an amazing friendship. The very first day we talked for an hour or two nonstop and you made me so happy. I laughed so much and forgot that we were strangers. I told you about how lonely I was because I was never good at making friends and you bluntly told me I was incredible and in time I'd make many friendships that were worth the wait. Since then you've comforted me so many times and I will forever be grateful for every one of those times. I can hardly believe how much I've changed and grown in the short time I've known you. I often wonder if I'd still be in the same state of mind I was in before we crossed paths.

I wish we hadn't jumped into this so quickly and I wish we had met under different circumstances. I understand that other things are more important to you now and that I just can't fit into this new life of yours.

It doesn't matter that it hurts. It doesn't matter that I have nobody else to talk to anymore because while I was spending all my time talking to you, I let everyone else drift away from me. It doesn't matter that I'll never talk to you again.
What does matter is that the last thing I said to you was, ''Okay" and I hate myself for it.