Letters to Nikolai

I keep trying to write you more letters but I don't know what to say anymore.
I guess I have to try to figure out how I feel about you and what I want from this. I'm still not sure that it was a good idea to accept you as a part of my life again.
Everything is different now and I still love you but it's more like I love the memories I have of the way you used to be instead of the you that you've become since we started talking to each other again.
You're more reserved than before and that makes me sad because I loved how open you were with me. It made me feel special knowing that you trusted me enough to tell me things.
Please talk to me again. Please tell me why you're not the same anymore. I miss you so much.

What I feel now is worse than what I felt when you weren't talking to me. Back then I could dream about things going back to normal. But now the reality is that you came back and we're talking again, but it feels like you're pushing me away and you're only talking to me again because you feel obligated to do so.