Letters to Nikolai

Nothing remarkable has happened.

You still go days without talking to me and you still bring up sex way too much.

I started saying "I love you" again. At first, you didn't even say it back. I asked you if it bothered you when I said "I love you" and you said that it didn't bother you or upset you at all. Then suddenly you started saying it back. But you still never said it first. Finally, one day I felt especially down about it and I asked you why you never say it first. You used to say it a lot and it felt so good. You got all apologetic and for the first time in almost a year, you said "I love you."

It made me angry. You're so bad at pretending that you actually care about me and aren't just using me. I said that you didn't have to say it if you didn't want to and you didn't mean it. Then you spammed me with "I love you" messages for about a minute.

It made me laugh because it felt like something you would've done the first time we were together.
But now the memory is twisted and I can't stop crying whenever I think about it.