Letters to Nikolai

Here we are again.

It's holiday season and one year and three days ago, you broke my heart for the first time. Since then, you've kept breaking my heart over and over again. I don't think I love you anymore. I love the memories that I have. You haven't broken up with me yet, but you might as well. Since the 23rd, I've been expecting it to happen at any moment.

It honestly hasn't been all bad. There are moments when I remember why I'm still with you and why I fell in love with you. Sometimes we laugh together and sometimes you'll make a sweet comment. It's especially good when we talk on the phone. Your voice still moves me; still does something unexplainable to me. Every time we talk I get confused because you're not cold with me like you are when we text. I keep thinking that maybe you're trying not to love me when we text, but I can't think of any reason for you to do that. All I know is that when we talk, you're like you were the first time we dated. But then we say goodbye and we hang up and you revert back to being the closed off, horny jerk.

Our phone calls are the reason I'm still hanging on.