Letters to Nikolai

New year and still no you.

I think you'd agree that I'm incredibly strong. I told you about all the things I've had to suffer through in the past. This is just a different kind of pain that I've never experienced before. It takes much more getting used to. Forgetting what pain felt like while I was with you might also have something to do with it as well. I was not prepared for this.

Most of the time, I have plenty of distractions to keep my mind off of you and your perfect company. I try not to wallow because I don't want to be the kind of person that gives up on life after a breakup (even though I admit that at one point I believed you were my life). I'm young and I have so much time left ahead of me. Sometimes my head hurts when I think about how much of my life is left to live through. But some nights when all those distractions are gone, I let it all rush to me and I let myself cry for you. I can't handle it. I need you.

I can't know how you actually feel about me; whether what you felt/feel was as real and as intense as what I feel, but that's what I assumed it was like for you too. I'm going to pretend for my own sake that you feel as alone and lost as I do right now because that makes me feel better.

I think it's wonderful that you've found what you believe in again. I wish I had something like that.

It was so perfect. I'm so scared that I'll never have something like this again. I'm so scared that you'll always be in the back of my mind even if I manage to find someone new. I'll love you for a very long time. But it's okay. I'll get over it in time. But you'll always be mine because you said you would be mine forever and ever on so many occasions. :P

Writing these letters for you is so dramatic and so telenovela and I absolutely love it.