Sequel: March 27, 2016 ›
Status: Completed
Letters to Nikolai
February 7, 2015
Your birthday is on the 21st of this month. I still haven't decided if I'm going to wish you a happy birthday yet. I'm scared of you rejecting me again. I'll say, "Hi, happy birthday! :)" and then you'll never respond. I already know.
Or maybe you will respond and maybe you'll be nice enough to make some small talk and then you'll never talk to me again until next year when I tell you happy birthday again and my heart and spirit are going to be broken all over again.
I don't think I like either of those scenarios, but I want to talk to you so badly. I am aware that if I tell you any of the things I really want to say to you, you'll just give me a speech about how you're in a better place now and how you feel like you're doing the right thing with your life and you don't want to compromise that by talking to me again.
If you do decide to make small talk, I just hope you don't tell me you're happy. I'll burst if you tell me you're happy. I'll feel so pathetic because while you've been bettering your life and becoming happier with every day that passes, the only way I've been able to get through my days is by giving myself pep talks that remind me that eventually I'll wake up and I'll feel happy without having to work at it. The happiness will come naturally and I'll be in the good place I was in before I met you. You'll be a distant memory instead of one that's constantly bombarding my thought space. Get out of my thought space already.
I might get over it more quickly if I stopped stalking your social media, but I can't help myself. You're so gorgeous and your picture is all I have left of you.
Or maybe you will respond and maybe you'll be nice enough to make some small talk and then you'll never talk to me again until next year when I tell you happy birthday again and my heart and spirit are going to be broken all over again.
I don't think I like either of those scenarios, but I want to talk to you so badly. I am aware that if I tell you any of the things I really want to say to you, you'll just give me a speech about how you're in a better place now and how you feel like you're doing the right thing with your life and you don't want to compromise that by talking to me again.
If you do decide to make small talk, I just hope you don't tell me you're happy. I'll burst if you tell me you're happy. I'll feel so pathetic because while you've been bettering your life and becoming happier with every day that passes, the only way I've been able to get through my days is by giving myself pep talks that remind me that eventually I'll wake up and I'll feel happy without having to work at it. The happiness will come naturally and I'll be in the good place I was in before I met you. You'll be a distant memory instead of one that's constantly bombarding my thought space. Get out of my thought space already.
I might get over it more quickly if I stopped stalking your social media, but I can't help myself. You're so gorgeous and your picture is all I have left of you.