Letters to Nikolai

I'm sitting in my friend Samantha's room right now. She and I have been getting really close lately. It's nice to have a friend again. I told her about you back in November when she noticed I was sad. I told her we broke up. I was glad I told her because she didn't try to make me feel better by saying it was going to be okay or that it could be worse or that I'd get over it or I'll find someone else soon. She just gave me a hug and it was really nice.

I usually have a great time when I'm in her room. It's always really fun and totally spontaneous. But right now she's watching a show with one of our other friends. I tried watching it for a little while, but it's not interesting enough to me. I found my mind wandering and eventually I thought about you.

I'm really happy. Once I told you that I really love it when you hummed and you surprised me by recording yourself humming a song to me. At the end of the song you say, "I love you. Sleep sweet." I'm itching to leave my friend's room right now so I can sift through my email inbox to find that recording and download it to my phone. I want to listen to it on repeat for hours.

My favorite thing about you was always your voice. It's kinda funny because you always said you fell in love with me as soon as you heard my voice.

I'm considering cutting out the entire song and just playing the part where you tell me you love me on loop. That sounds borderline crazy, though. As much as I want to do it, I'm not going to. I wish I still had the first recording you sent me where all you said was that you love me in the cutest accent.