Sequel: March 27, 2016 ›
Status: Completed
Letters to Nikolai
February 15, 2015
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Even though I always thought of that day as a joke, I feel like I had a certain obligation to be upset because I spent it alone instead of having you with me. Plot twist: I didn't spend it alone. One of the few best friends I have left came to visit me from his school. It was very nice of him to make the drive. It made me feel special. I missed him a lot. He's my platonic soul mate. We had a very nice day together. We went to a restaurant and the waitress thought we were together and it was kinda hilarious.
But anyway.
Despite the desperation that some of these letters project, I feel like I'm handling this fairly well lately. I mean, I'm freaking out on the inside, but nobody else knows that. I could be getting drunk every night and sending you voice mails. That would be funny. Or I could call you and you'd pick up the phone and I'd just sound like Imissyouwhycan'twebefriendsI*crycrycrycrycrycry**sniffle*Ijustwantto*cry*
It has been almost three months. It seems like a much longer time somehow. But I have proven to myself that I really can live without you. I miss you and it still hurts, but I don't let that get in the way of my everyday obligations. I only let it hurt sometimes.
Your birthday is in six days. I have decided that I am going to send you a happy birthday message and I wonder how that will go. I'm not going to lie; I'm expecting us to have an actual conversation. I'm not sure how I'll feel if all you say is thank you and you move on. It could shove me back away from the progress I think I'm making in the ''forgetting you'' department. Or it could finally make me realize that I should let you go because you let me go long ago.
But anyway.
Despite the desperation that some of these letters project, I feel like I'm handling this fairly well lately. I mean, I'm freaking out on the inside, but nobody else knows that. I could be getting drunk every night and sending you voice mails. That would be funny. Or I could call you and you'd pick up the phone and I'd just sound like Imissyouwhycan'twebefriendsI*crycrycrycrycrycry**sniffle*Ijustwantto*cry*
It has been almost three months. It seems like a much longer time somehow. But I have proven to myself that I really can live without you. I miss you and it still hurts, but I don't let that get in the way of my everyday obligations. I only let it hurt sometimes.
Your birthday is in six days. I have decided that I am going to send you a happy birthday message and I wonder how that will go. I'm not going to lie; I'm expecting us to have an actual conversation. I'm not sure how I'll feel if all you say is thank you and you move on. It could shove me back away from the progress I think I'm making in the ''forgetting you'' department. Or it could finally make me realize that I should let you go because you let me go long ago.