Letters to Nikolai

Today I finally found that old recording of you I've been searching for. That first day I looked for it, I couldn't find it because I went through my entire inbox and then my entire trash folder (for both of my email accounts) and I couldn't find it. I felt sad and defeated and a little angry at myself for deleting it. After a few hours, I finally got over it and took it as a sign that I should start actually getting over you and not just pretending that I'm better and I can do this without you.
So I'm better now and I've accepted that you were a part of my life. Were.

You live so far away and that's how it was so easy for you to quit talking to me.
The first time you tried to cut ties you explained that it was unhealthy for both of us to live everyday attached to our cellphones because that was the only way to keep in contact.
I didn't care. I liked it better because it's easier for me to be emotionally open via text instead of face-to-face. It's easier to talk about private, personal things because you can't look into that other person's face and you can't feel them judging you when you're not right in front of them. I honestly don't know if I would have shared everything I did with you if we had met in person. I might have just because you're an open book and being around extroverted people like you makes me feel more open and confident in myself.
Everything I felt was real and unforgettable and I cherished it even though I received it all from a cell-phone. It was okay because I knew that at the other end was another person feeling all these same and strange feelings for a person they had never met. At the other end there was another person accidentally falling in love with an online friend.

My friend Ryan likes to read lots of books and play lots of games and go on forums and comment and talk to other people there. On one of those forums he met a girl named Lilia. Ryan happened to meet her right after he had moved to Hawaii because he was stationed there. So here is Ryan in Hawaii and then there's Lilia in Kansas. They fell in love just like we did.
So Ryan decides to go and see Lilia a few years later when he moved to Texas. Their attraction and connection wasn't limited to their cellphones or their computers. Ryan knew it was the real thing and so did she. They had doubts because they'd never met and they feared it might be different in person, but it wasn't. They still visit each other often and they are in a real but long distance relationship. They have plans to get married and live together as soon as Lilia finishes up her schooling.
I was part of Ryan's journey because he confided in me since the very beginning.

So what's the first thing I thought about when I discovered I had fallen in love with you? Ryan and Lilia. I thought that we could do what they did.

But we didn't and we won't because it's over now.