Life on Tour

God. What's wrong with me? I have serious feelings for a woman, and they're feelings I’ve never felt for anyone else, and I’m already considering sleeping with someone else just to try and get over them. I do it all the time, and it never works. But I keep on hoping that maybe, just maybe, something will happen that'll make me feel like a different woman would be the one.

“Here you go.” The waitress said, making sure to lean over me in a particular way so I could get a taste test of what I was about to get into. But I couldn't help myself. I just ended up looking into her eyes and biting my lip. Once she distributed all plates in the right places, she spoke up again. “Enjoy.” She said in a sultry tone. I then looked down at the table, and on it, I noticed a napkin that wasn't there before, and it had writing on it.

If there's not enough sugar on it, call me for some more. - Katie She wrote, along with her number. I felt... awful. I felt disgusting. Why can't I stop myself? Why can't I just have a mature conversation with either Alex or Libby about this? I mean, those are the two people who have the right to know, and I couldn't even tell them. I'm pathetic. Libby would never want me anyway.

“Jack, you're gross.” Alex stated, taking a bite from his waffles. I sighed and began digging into my pancakes, when I noticed an empty space in front of me. I mean, I know Libby said she was going to the toilets, but she's taking a while. I should never have started flirting with the waitress.

“He's right. Maybe you should settle down for someone. You know, a nice girl who's pretty, you're age. Not just someone who you'd dump after you got what you wanted.” Rian said, hinting to me about Libby. I gave him a murderous look. If there's one thing I don't want getting out, it's the fact that I’m having these feelings. These stupid feelings that I wish weren't there. Libby then came back to the table and started eating straight away.

“What were you guys talking about?” She asked. She seemed slightly down. Not in the usual way that Alex would spot a mile away. In fact, it seems to be only me that noticed it. She's not happy right now, and not in her typical depression fashion. She's just really sad about something in particular. I felt awful, and I don't know what to do.

“We're talking about how Jack's a disgusting man whore.” Zack joked. Alex smiled at the joke, and Libby tried to as well. She then looked down at the napkin and read it upside down.

“Well, at least it's reciprocated.” Libby said, nodding towards the napkin. Rian rolled his eyes.

“You're an idiot, Jack.” Rian said. Libby creased his eyebrows at him.

“Just leave me alone.” I snapped. Everyone turned to face me out of shock. I didn't mean to snap like that. I was just so determined to keep this a secret for as long as it took to make these feelings go away. I then sighed. “Sorry. I just think I need to go back on the bus for a bit.” I said, finishing off my food. I then put my fork down, grabbed the napkin, and made my way to our home for the next month. If I could've done, I would've pulled Libby to my lips, and never let her go. There's something about her that I don't ever want to leave. It's infuriatingly addictive. The next person on the bus was the one person I simultaneously wanted to have, and needed to not be with me.

“Are you alright, Jack? I mean, that was a bit of a weird outburst. Especially since I don't think I’ve seen you get angry at anyone. Ever.” Libby said. I sighed and nodded my head.

“Rian just figured something out, which I really wish he didn't, and now he's trying to stop me having thoughts and feelings for myself without raising suspicion from other people. It just sucks.” I said. She nodded her head in agreement.

“I know what you mean. I promise you though, that if I ever find out what it is, I won't judge you either way. Unless you murdered someone, in which case, I don't think I can let that slide.” She said, making me laugh.

“I don't know. Maybe you'll find out at some point, maybe you'll never know. I don't know which one I’d prefer to be honest.” I said to her.

“Well, how about this? On the hotel night, while Hannah's having her hour long video chat with Alex, I come into your room and we tell each other our secrets. It could be a lot of fun. I mean, I have some weird secrets. We'll tell each other a few mild ones to begin with, then we dig deep. How about that?” She suggested. I guess it could be useful. I could think of some big fake secrets before then, so if I really chicken out, I don't have to tell her. I nodded my head and shook her hands.

“Deal. By the way, don't be jealous of the waitress. You know you're still my number one sex pot.” I flirted. She giggled and rolled her eyes.

“Yeah right. I saw the way you were looking at her.” She said, finally sitting down next to me.

“I don't really like her though. I don't know. She's hot and everything, but she was so annoying.” I admitted to her.

“Not as annoying as Hannah.” She said. I smiled sympathetically and shrugged.

“Well, the difference between Hannah and the waitress is that you won't be seeing one of them.” I told her. She nodded her head and sighed, curling up next to me on the sofa.

“I just wish I couldn't see either of them. Ever again. Well, to be fair, I have nothing wrong with the waitress yet, but Hannah just irks me. I feel like she's always out to get me, and she's only with Alex for the fame. See, I actually know someone who really does like him, and wouldn't care if he was in a band or worked at McDonald's. And she's super nice too. So I don't understand why Hannah's still in the picture.” She told me.

“Really? Who?” I asked.

“Well, who else but her best friend, obviously. I've met her before, and to be honest, because of the way Hannah was to me I was expecting Debbie Miller to be a complete twat face, but while Hannah was practically getting up my parents asses, Debbie and I were talking about loads of things, and she's really cool and nice. Plus, she seemed to look at Alex the way I look at pizza, or the way you look at me.” She joked. I giggled, pretending what she just said wasn't really accurate.

“I think I met her once before. Yeah. She was alright.” I agreed.

“She's drop dead gorgeous too. I don't understand why he'd stick with Hannah of all people. Hannah's probably ugly because her personality decided to shine through. But Debbie's gorgeous with the personality to match. I mean, she's got naturally straight blonde hair, and she's got the brightest hazel eyes to match. I feel bad for her actually. I mean, I know how much it sucks to love a guy and for him to just completely ignore you. But she doesn't deserve it. She deserves everything she wants and more, because she's one of the only people I’ve met who's hung out with Hannah for so long and hasn't turned into a total douche bag. In fact, she's the total opposite. I’d rather Alex realises his mistakes before too long.” She explained. I guess I knew what she meant. Debbie was attractive. But I can't get anyone to match up to the girl beside me. Soon enough, Rian came on the bus with Zack.

“So, Jack. Have you called for a bit more 'sugar' yet?” Zack joked. I forced a smile and shook my head.

“No. She's not my type.” I said, looking down at my fidgeting hands. That didn't help me noticing the look of shock and part fear on Rian's face.

“Seriously? I mean, you always do this. It's not something you should just go cold turkey on. Because then who knows you might end up with?” He asked.

“Guys, just calm down. I really doubt anyone really wants to know that much about Jack's life under the sheets.” Libby fended for me, which I completely appreciated. It's just that I’m now worried about what Rian's gonna say about it. Instead, he just sighed in defeat, not knowing what to say in front of the others about this.

“Fine. But I do need to borrow Jack for a second.” He said. I followed him off the bus and sat on a bench with him.

“What's the big deal, Rian? Ever since you found out you've been acting like a dick about it to me.” I said angrily.

“I'm not trying to. I'm really not. I'm just trying to get you to see the consequences of what you're doing, because I know you hate the way you're acting right now, and I know that you hate the fact that you love her, but I’m trying to help you snap out of it. Dude, I don't want to see you get hurt.” He said.

“Well, I can handle it myself. I really don't need your guidance. Why does my love life matter to you so much? It's not like anything between us is going to happen, I know that. But at least I get the privilege of being her friend. That's all I could hope for. So, until my feelings go away, I’m going to continue this weird therapy of mine.” I snapped. He sighed and nodded his head.

“I just don't want to see you even lower than this. Because let's face it, man. You're not happy right now. In fact, you're the complete opposite, and you know what else sucks? I think you and her would be absolutely perfect together. You're practically the same person just in two different bodies.” He said. Instead of saying anything back, I bit my tongue.

“Are we done?” I asked bitterly. He nodded his head, looking somewhat disheartened. He has no right to carry on dropping those bombs on me. I climbed back on the bus to see Zack lifting Libby like weights. I laughed. Zack's this insanely buff man, and he works out like crazy all the time, so lifting Libby was no challenge. Libby was in hysterics. She loves it when he does that. I know that neither of them are attracted to each other though. So that made it a lot easier to laugh at.

“Jack, heads up!” Zack exclaimed, lifting Libby into a throwing position. She screamed, even though she was loving it. He then pretended to throw her, and she gripped onto Zack's arms. We were all laughing. Zack then put her down, and she was as red as anything. I then decided to tickle her into oblivion. She was screeching with laughter, and I loved it. Zack was laughing too, and Libby fell over gently with me lying next to her, laughing along with her. She has the most gorgeous smile, with lips I imagine to be the most kissable. Alex, Rian and Eddie got back on the bus, and soon enough, our journey started again. Our day was very much like yesterday, only I slept less, so we all talked a bit before going crazy in the dressing room.

“I think it's gonna be awesome.” I said, removing one of the ceiling tiles with a mop handle.

“I think you're gonna hurt yourself. But I'm gonna get a lot of hits on YouTube.” Libby joked, making me giggle.

“Okay, ready?” Alex asked everyone. The whole dressing room cheered. Some even raised their pre-drink cups. “Let the games begin!” Alex announced. I jumped up and grabbed the pipe that was hidden by the ceiling tile, and held myself above the ground, swinging to and fro from it.

“We're probably gonna get sued for damages.” I heard Matt say amongst the murmurs and cheers from everyone, even though he was laughing 5 seconds before.

“10 more seconds!” Vinny said. I managed to grab on for that long, and I fell down just in time. It didn't hurt or anything since I fell on the couch, but my hands and arms were definitely sore. Everyone was cheering, but I noticed one person wasn't. She wasn't even there. I then screamed and ran out the room to make everyone think I was just being hyper, when in reality, I just needed to find Libby. I found her in less than 10 seconds in a different room with a red cup in her hand. She was about to take a sip, but then I ran in, snatching it from her hand.

“Jack? What the hell?” She asked furiously. I then took a sniff from whatever was in her cup. It definitely wasn't water, that's for sure.

“Have you had any of this?” I asked. She groaned and held her head back in annoyance. “Libby?” I asked.

“Just a tiny sip. It's nothing strong.” She said, but she was definitely lying. It was practically nail polish remover in that cup.

“Libby, its pure vodka. You're not even supposed to drink, and I know for a fact that you're hiding away from everyone just to do that.” I stated.

“Well it's not fair that I can't have the tiniest bit. So many people my age are allowed to drink as long as it's a safe amount. I was never going to take too much. Maybe three sips maximum. That's it.” She said. I sighed.

“Libby, you're not supposed to have any. I know why.” I explained to her, making her blush.

“Did Alex say anything?” She questioned. I nodded my head.

“Yes, but I won't say anything to him as long as you promise me not to do this again.” I said.

“Look, I don't want to be on meds anyway. The doctors practically forced me. Plus, alcohol helps with anxiety too. Not just the stupid capsules.” She said. I then creased my eyebrows.

“You're on anxiety meds? I thought they were for your feminine issues.” I told her. She sighed.

“Well, I have pills for that, and capsules for my anxiety and depression. I hate taking it, but I seriously have no choice. It's not fair. I would be allowed to drink if it wasn't for being so tragically messed up.” She said.

“You're not tragically messed up. Do you honestly think that?” I asked, feeling pain deep in my chest. She just shrugged.

“I'm 17 years old, I missed so much school due to all my problems, and I can't even have a sip of alcohol without people crawling up my ass.” She said angrily, sinking to the floor, cuddling herself. I threw the cup in the bin, and sat opposite her. “Why are you still here?” She asked. Not in an aggressive way. She seemed genuinely curious.

“Because I won't leave you.” I answered. She looked into my eyes, and all of a sudden a few tears began to fall from them.

“You're an idiot then.” She said, crawling to lay her head on my lap. I gladly accepted it there, and began stroking her head.

“Only idiots would leave a person like you.” I said, leaning down to kiss her head. It was in the most innocent way possible, but then I can't help but want to do all sorts of not so platonic things with her. I just want to be with her. It's so hard to keep a happy face on all the time.

“In which case, you're a moron.” She said, turning to face towards me rather than at the wall. She then closed her eyes, and I didn't dare say a word. She's right in a way. I am a moron. I’m a moron for loving a girl who's so completely out of my league, and someone I couldn't have even if she was. Alex walked into the room about 5 minutes later.

“Hey dude, what's going on?” He whispered, sensing the quiet atmosphere.

“I think she might be asleep, but I'm not sure.” I whispered back.

“Okay. Is she alright?” He asked. I nodded my head.

“Yeah. I think she's okay.” I answered.

“Everyone's been looking all over for you two. Mainly you to be honest. We're on in half an hour.” He told me. I nodded my head.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” I asked. He nodded his head. “Is she alright? I mean, she told me about her anti-depressants.” I continued. He sighed and nodded his head.

“She's telling me she's fine, but whenever big things happen, just like that magazine thing, I promise you she's not alright at all. It's just a weird trigger. She's depressed, but not because of the whole magazine thing. Just because it reminds her that bad things can still happen to her. It kind of worries me to be honest. I’m scared that one day someone won't be able to watch her like you are now, and she's gonna lose contact with us because she can, and one day we get a call saying that she's missing, or dead, or something much worse.” Alex confessed. We then looked at her. She seemed to have dozed off. I guess the alcohol helped.

“How do you know?” I asked. He shrugged.

“She's my sister, dude. I know.” He answered. I nodded my head.

“Do you want me to take her to the bus?” I offered. He shook his head.

“We need to wake her up, otherwise she won't sleep at all tonight. She can just hang out in the back though if she wants.” He told me. I stroked her face with my thumb as my hand rested on her head. “You know what though? I kinda get it.” Alex said, I creased my eyebrows at him.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, I mean, I know that it's completely not romantic at all, but you two do love each other and it shows. You're like boy and girl friend soul mates. You completely adore each other, so I can see why other people mistook it for something romantic.” He said. I felt nervous, but pretended that he was being completely stupid.

“Come on. There's nothing romantic about this.” I said, still feeling completely uncomfortable about the way this conversation turned.

“Dude, she's asleep on your lap. You guys flirt back and forth, and you sometimes sleep in the same bed. I mean, sure, I know it's completely friendly, but there's definitely romantic things you guys do.” He said. “Plus, look at what you're doing with your hand, just stroking her. You guys just completely care about each other no matter what. So I hope she ends up with a guy like you.” He said before getting up.

“What? You want her to end up with a guy who sleeps around a lot?” I asked. He rolled his eyes.

“No. Everyone knows that when you actually decide to commit you're pretty awesome at it. I want that for her with someone like you. She needs to be happy, and you seem to make her happy.” He said before leaving the room. It's true. I've only been in two serious relationships before. One was when I was about 16. I went out with a girl named Emma Wallace until I was nearly 18. We broke up because she found love with another guy. But we ended on pretty good terms. She never cheated on me, I never cheated on her, and we were kind of drifting towards a friendship relationship anyway, so there weren't any hard feelings.

Then there was Sherry Hill. I went out with her when I was 19 for 3 years. That didn't end so well. In between the two relationships, I lost my virginity and became somewhat of a ladies man. But when I went out with Sherry all of that man-whore personality about me just stopped. Everything was going fine until I walked in on Sherry about to whack Libby around the face. Then I screamed at her while protecting Libby. Apparently she wanted to hurt her because Libby said her hair made her look like a clown. Sherry interpreted it in a bad way, but Libby wasn't saying anything mean. Because of her autism, she was really blunt back then, and Sherry dyed her hair a bright red, so obviously Libby was going to say something. I remember Libby whimpering in the corner saying that it was also like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I know how much she loved that film. So I kicked her out of our apartment and shipped her all the stuff she couldn't pack. I didn't want any reminders of her anyway.

Now when I look at her, I remember the feelings I got when I needed to protect her. I need to protect her for as long and as much as I can. I do love her. I adore her. I hate it though, because now I know that the world does revolve around her, and I get offended whenever anyone thinks otherwise, but I also get jealous when they agree. She's completely perfect and I’m utterly idiotic. There's no way we would ever work. It sucks. I should probably try to get over her, but when I see her like this, I know that it's just not possible. It wouldn't be fair on anyone if I tried to pretend it wasn't true. Tomorrow's the hotel night. The night where Libby and I are going to tell each other our secrets. Maybe I can tell her then. Maybe she'll say she loves me too.