Life on Tour

Last night was all a bit of an emotional blur. I remember trying to hide with some alcohol so I could take some without anyone questioning me, but Jack found me. I remember telling him about my depression. I remember falling asleep on him and him waking me up about 5 minutes before they had to go on stage. I remember getting paranoid about what people really thought of me. I remember not being talkative at all. I remember going by myself to the shops, buying a few sweets and getting back to the venue with no trouble. I remember everything that happened. I just don't remember exactly how I felt during all of those, even though I can pretty much guess how I felt, I wasn't sure, and I couldn't recreate those feelings again.

I decided to get out of my bunk and get ready for the day. I ate breakfast in quiet. I don't think the others realised I was even awake yet. They were all in the back room, and I was in the front munching on a sorry excuse for a sandwich. Once I finished, I went back in my bunk, put in my headphones, and started drowning out the world. It was working for about an hour until the curtains on my bunk were violently pulled open. I paused my music and pulled my headphones out, giving death glares to Jack.

“What the hell was that?” I asked, my heart still beating.

“Jeez. We were calling you for ages. We thought you died or something. It's just a wakeup call.” He defended himself. I shrugged.

“I've been up for ages.” I said, pointing towards my clothes to further prove my point.

“Well you were very quiet then. Anyway, come on and get up. You lighten up my day.” He said, giving me one of his infamous flirtatious winks. I giggled and rolled my eyes.

“Fine, I'm getting up.” I said. I got my laptop out and plugged it in the back lounge where everyone was.

“It's alive!” Zack said in his creepy voice that he does, making everyone laugh.

“I know. Unfortunately, you guys all are too.” I retorted.

“Now now, no need to be so rude.” Jack said, putting his hands over his chest feigning hurt. I just rolled my eyes and giggled. Today was basically exactly the way it usually was. Jack and I decided that we'd start watching Sherlock tonight after our big talk. I'm kind of scared for it actually. I mean, I’ve only just realised that I'm in love with the guy, and now we're having this massive discussion where we reveal all of our secrets to each other in order to become better friends.

When we got to the venue, I noticed that Jack was watching me like a hawk. I know he was worried about me taking another drink, and I know that he trusts me. He just doesn't realise that he's being paranoid. Jack even decided to go cold turkey for tonight. Who knows? Maybe he'd have a bit after the show to calm his nerves down for the secret revealing, but it seems that I wasn't the only one who noticed the overly-sober Jack.

“Dude, what's up with you? Drink something!” One of the crew said. I don't know all of them that well. He snapped out of whatever thoughts he was having, and looked at the crew member.

“Nah. I'm really not in the mood tonight. I mean, I’m staying in a hotel tonight. I want to wake up in it sober.” He said. I know that he was really not drinking in order for me to not get jealous. Either that or so he could keep up his protective guard. Whatever it was, I didn't care. I walked out of the room and went to find some fresh air. The door to the fan signing was open, but seeing as the doors to the concert were open, nobody was there. I just sat in the corridor, basking in the fresh air.

“Do you get off on escaping from us?” Alex asked, causing me to jump.

“You scared me.” I stated.

“Maybe I wouldn't scare you if you were where you were supposed to be.” He told me. I rolled my eyes.

“Why do I have to be watched all the time? God. It's like I have no independence.” I groaned angrily.

“Because you just do.” He said. I rolled my eyes.

“Lexi-Poo!” I heard that familiar whiny voice shriek.

“Hannah-Bear!” Alex replied happily. Crap. Another surprise visit from the devil. Unfortunately, it happens more often than not, that I actually don't feel bits of my soul slipping away every time it happens anymore. I got up and decided to walk back to the room. Noticing the look of irritation on my face, Jack was about to ask what was going on. I could tell. But as soon as Alex and Hannah walked in holding hands, all of his questions had been answered. I'm pretty sure that if I left right now, Alex wouldn't care at all. He'd just be all lovey-dovey with his demonic romantic partner. But I didn't bother. There wouldn't be any point. I thought this tour would be more fun, but as it turns out, it's boring as sin.

I sat on one of the couches and just stared into space, leaving me alone with my thoughts. It was surprisingly easy for me to do that. Tonight could possibly be the night where I tell Jack everything I felt about him, and how I’ve probably felt like it for more than 1 day, but it was only yesterday that I noticed it. It could also be the night where I decide to swallow my feelings and never tell him a thing. Ever.

I can imagine him reacting to it now in every possible way. He could be flattered, but ask us to just be friends, he could get all awkward and avoid talking to me until our friendship completely crumbles. He could feel the same, but then he could ask to keep the relationship a secret. He could just want a fling. He could want everyone to know and nobody would be happy about it. Even though there is the slimmest chance it could work out, it might not end all happy. After a few hours of just waiting around and having a completely strange train of thoughts, we were finally ready to go to the hotel. We got in the bus, and I started packing a few overnight things.

“You excited about staying in a hotel?” Jack asked. I looked over at Hannah and Alex being all soppy and disgusting, then focused my attention back at the man who I might be spending the night with. Platonically, of course, but with the way Hannah and Alex are, I might not have a choice.

“Depends which room I end up in. Am I welcome in yours?” I asked. He smiled and nodded his head.

“Any time. We're going to be spending a lot of time together tonight anyway, so it probably would've happened anyway.” He whispered. I giggled and nodded my head. Once we got to Spring-hill Suites, Jack and I shared a look. Nobody else seemed to notice. We decided earlier on in the day that we'd go straight to his room and immediately begin. It seems we both had a lot to talk about. The hotel wasn't much, but it was definitely nice. Jack and I walked upstairs to the room. There was a big bed slap bang in the middle of the room, and a few chairs and hot drink things plotted around the room. There was also a door to the bathroom, which again, wasn't much, but it wasn't bad. I plopped my bag down, and fell back on Jack's bed.

“This is so comfy!” I exclaimed. He smirked and turned on the kettle.

“Make yourself at home.” He joked. I looked at him from my position.

“Oh, I will.” I assured him. He laughed and stuck his tongue out at me, making me laugh.

“Do you want anything to drink?” He offered. I shrugged.

“I might get some water later. So, how do you wanna do this? Do you wanna start and I follow your lead?” I asked. He shrugged.

“Yeah. Alright. So this first one actually has to do with you. When Alex told me your mum was pregnant, I was so angry because I thought someone was about to take away the guy who was basically my brother. Then I met you a couple of days after you were born, and it looked like you were smiling at me, and I practically never let Alex touch you for the rest of the day.” He said, making me giggle.

“Seriously?” I asked.

“I swear to god. I loved you so much back then. Don't get me wrong, I still do, but you're no longer cute and chubby.” He said, making himself a cup of tea.

“Okay, that's not too bad. This one might make you hate me though. I was the one who switched all the heads on your action figures.” I said. He laughed, refraining from taking a sip of his hot beverage.

“I always had an inkling it was you, Miss Gaskarth.” He said. “Alright, alright. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a complete man-whore. Like, I really want to be able to settle down with this girl, but because I can never see that happening, I sleep around to make myself feel better.” He confessed. I nodded and looked at him.

“Does it ever work?” I asked. He shook his head.

“Not at all.” He answered.

“Well, on the complete opposite side of the spectrum, I wish I at least knew how that felt. Not sleeping around, but the idea that I actually could. I mean, I’m probably the biggest virgin you've ever met. I'm probably gaining my virginity. I mean, I'm 17 years old now, and I've never even had my first kiss. Meanwhile, Alex is the lead singer in a successful band and he can get any girl he wants, you know? So it's not even just that. It's like he's the better sibling.” I told him.

“If it makes you feel better, you're both awesome.” He said, he took a sip of his tea, and then continued. “Okay, this isn't in a creepy way or anything, but sometimes I use Alex as an excuse to be able to see you and talk to you.” He said. I smiled and let out a small giggle.

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah. I mean, sure, I love hanging out with Alex, but you're so hilarious that I sometimes just need to see you to make me laugh. I mean, a couple of months ago I went to your house because I knew Alex wasn't there. I think he put it on his Facebook or something. Anyway, when you answered I pretended I was disappointed and stuff, but really I was so glad. Then you told me your parents were out, and somehow we ended up playing a massive game of hide and seek.” He confessed. I smiled at the memory.

“Yeah, that was a fun day. Sometimes I wish that we were closer in age just so we didn't need excuses to hang out with each other. I would've done the same thing, but other people would probably see it as weird that we're hanging out with each other, right?” I asked. He nodded his head.

“Exactly.” He replied.

“And sometimes I wish that Alex wasn't in such a successful band. I mean, don't get me wrong, I’m glad he is, and I’m glad that all of you are doing so well. It's just that now people don't see me as my own person. Just Alex's little sister, and it sucks. I mean, I’ve always wanted to be an actress. So badly. But now I’m always gonna think that on some level, if I do make a career out of it, it won't be because of how good I am, it'll be because of how awesome Alex is.” I told him, and then sighed. “Anyway, tell me about this girl you like.” I requested. He sighed.

“I can't tell you her name yet, but I can describe her.” He offered. I nodded my head.

“I guess that'll have to do.” I joked.

“Well, she's absolutely drop dead gorgeous. And I don't say that lightly, I mean she looks like she is an actual angel put on earth. Her hair is always perfect, no matter how long it's been unwashed, and her eyes are just windows to her immaculate soul. She's so funny, that whenever I see her, I know that I’m going to laugh that day. I’ve known her for so long, that I've seen her in every possible state, and I love her in every single one. Even when she's ill and was too weak to wash herself in days, I still loved her. She doesn't see all the things I love about her. She hates her smile, she hates any mark on her body, and she's not too fond of her eating habits either sometimes. But everything she does makes me want to smother her in kisses and give her everything she wants.” He told me. I looked down at my thumbs, and I noticed that there's no way he's talking about me. She sounds too perfect to be me.

“Have I ever met her?” I asked. He nodded his head.

“Yeah. The best part is that she doesn't get jealous about our friendship. Not at all. In fact, she encourages it.” He answered. I felt my stomach sink, and I all of a sudden felt really weak. “Is there anyone you like?” He asked. I think he could sense that something was wrong, but I don't think he wanted to push it, so I decided to act like nothing was wrong, and I just shrugged.

“I think so. I mean, if I really do like this guy, then I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember, but I’ve only just figured that out a day or two ago.” I answered. He raised his eyebrows at me.

“Seriously? What's he like?” He asked, sounding really curious.

“I don't know. Perfect. I mean, I know him well. Really well. I know almost everything about him, and I’m pretty sure he knows almost everything about me. Maybe he even knows me more than I do. We love pretty much all the same things, and we hate the same things too, which I think is really important. I don't really know how to describe him without giving away his identity, you know?” I told him. He smiled and nodded his head.

“I'm guessing I know him then?” He asked. I nodded my head.

“Yeah, you do.” I answered.

“So, does he have skunk hair with an awesome cut and brown eyes?” He asked. I giggled, trying to hide the truth, and the best way to do that is to tell him the truth in a lying tone.

“Oh yeah.” I said sarcastically. “Does the girl you like have long, straight brown hair with a colourful streak in it, and does she have the most amazing green eyes?” I asked, standing up on the bed, trying to make myself sound dramatic. He then put his mug down on the bedside table, stood up, facing me, and looked me in the eyes. He had an incredibly serious look on his face. So serious that I’m pretty sure he's about to tell me something big.

“Yes.” He told me. He definitely wasn't joking anymore. “Yeah, she does. She's 17, her brother is the lead singer of the band that I’m the guitarist of, she has the most awesome English accent, her eyelashes are longer than anyone's I've ever seen, and I’ve been in love with her ever since she started that food fight on November 16th 2010.” He confessed. Well, I definitely wasn't expecting that.

“That's weird, because the guy I'm in love with is the guitarist of my brother's very successful band, he's 6'2”, and he's standing in front of me.” I confessed. It felt good to get that off my chest, and it felt even better to know that he feels the same.

“Do you think the girl I love would like a kiss from me?” He asked.

“I think she would love that.” I answered. Just as he was about to lean in and change everything even more, there was a knock on the door, so we immediately pulled away.

“Yeah?” He answered when he was sure everything was safe. Zack and Rian walked in and sat down.

“I think Hannah is quite possibly the most annoying woman I’ve ever known. Rian groaned quietly. Jack and I gave each other a look so we knew that it wasn’t over, but it’s going to happen somewhere a lot better.

“What did she do?” I asked.

“Suggesting ways we could improve ourselves. I should maybe stop working out so much otherwise my muscles will be too big for people to like, and that Rian should grow his hair out.” Zack answered.

“Silly bitch.” I said. If there’s one thing all of us could find common ground on, it’s us hating Hannah.