Spark

Alex needs his own computer. Jack seems to constantly need his own, the one he kindly shares with Alex, but... Alex always needs it too. Or rather, he wants it, to play games and do stupid shit while Jack actually needs it for work. He works in the purchasing department of the hospital in the city, is always on the phone or filling out confusing spreadsheets to make sure the doctors have what they need. And this is what sparks Alex's interest. It's his second gap year, which he was told is bad, apparently, but he can't do much, and doesn't need much. So he does errands and spaces out at home hoping he'll find his way.

Except when Jack calls him into the room to tell him he just bought part of an eye for a surgery. Like a real life eye, a little sliver of it to repair someone and send them on their way. It makes Alex just a bit too excited for his own good, learning about all the scalpels and syringes and occasional odd body parts. So he always asks for the laptop for just a moment after hearing what Jack has to say, pleading as his boyfriend sighs though they both know he gives in every single time. Then he has about fifteen or twenty minutes to look up stuff, grimace at a rather long Wikipedia page, skim over the thing for about two minutes before going to Twitter or something equally as useless. Then Jack needs it back, and he's stuck just waiting around again, searching for something important-feeling to do. He wishes he could buy people's eyes with Jack instead of laying around watching obscure foreign movies on Netflix and sometimes sweeping the floor to make it seem like he actually does something.

Jack actually can't really get much of anything done when he's computer-less, but he just can't resist giving his boyfriend something to do. And he knows that bringing Alex over to let him see the skin graft purchase he just made will ultimately make things difficult, but sometimes he can't resist watching Alex's eyes widen as he grimaces but with interest all the same.

Except, that isn't even really the worst thing about the couple only being able to afford the one laptop they have. Because when Jack's tired and stressed out and gone to bed, Alex stays up till crazy hours in the living room, just browsing and hoping he'll come across one of those "become a millionaire" scams so he can at least try it out or something. He's so desperate to make something of himself, whether his constant lazing around shows it or not. One particularly late night, or rather very early in the morning, Alex is up, doing what he does best. Wasting time. He’d actually spent the day out with Vinny, before then going grocery shopping and heading home. That’s a whole day’s worth of mindless web browsing he needs to catch up on. And Jack’s asleep in their room since it’s definitely time for normal people who aren’t Alex to be sleeping, so he’s got tons of time to freely click around and barely blink as the screen sort of burns his eyes.

Somehow, he gets to the search history. And somehow, he wishes he could go back in time and definitely not go there at all. At first it seemed weird because, hey, this was Jack’s computer too. Wasn’t this technically considered peeking into his personal stuff, things he shouldn’t really be allowed to see? But they live together, he thinks. What’s mine is your’s kind of thing. They don’t really have personal lives, because they’re always together and everything’s more or less just Jack and Alex, as opposed to Jack, and Alex.

But Alex thinks, as he looks at the screen in a state of confusion and slight panic and hurt and whatever else, that he would’ve remembered hearing about this. Jack hadn’t ever mentioned he felt something was wrong in their relationship. They slept in the same bed under the same roof and Jack kissed him every day, told he loved him and Alex cooked him dinner and they watched movies together and… this didn’t seem right. But there were still those words staring back at him on the computer and surely the search history couldn’t just accidentally be wrong.

how to get the spark back in your relationship

It was recent, too. Like, today recent. Like when Alex was out with his friend having a good time and thinking he and his boyfriend were absolutely fine, Jack took the chance to try and save what was apparently falling apart. Maybe that was part of the problem? Alex was away, spending time with someone else and Jack wishes he wouldn’t? But… that couldn’t be right either. Because when Alex did stay in, Jack seemed sort of out of it and just irritated with him. And Jack had been more frequently declining snuggling up with a movie because he was too tired, and he’d been giving Alex hardly any time with the computer before exasperatedly asking for it back. With tears welling in his eyes Alex began to recall so many more signs that he’d been oblivious to before. Up until now, when he realized that his boyfriend hardly even wanted to be with him even more.

What was someone to do in a time like this? Clearly, it was all Alex’s fault. There was nothing to it other than he was really just a shit boyfriend, bad enough that Jack thought they didn’t click at all anymore. Maybe they never even did? Maybe Alex had tried moving things along too quickly and Jack shouldn’t be spending his days in with a boy that always stole his laptop and held his hand too much, but instead with another. He tried not to cry, he really did, and he didn’t much. But a few tears slipped as he shut the laptop lid and just sat in the quiet dark of the morning, thinking and recalling all of the things he’d ever did wrong. Desperately hoping for a way to fix all of this.

It seemed best to sleep on the couch that night. Jack probably wouldn’t have even noticed if he’d slipped into bed just before the sun began to rise, but Alex was feeling just generally unwanted, and god knows the last thing he wanted was to fuck things up even further. He wouldn’t say a thing to Jack either, just because he knows Jack’s too nice of a guy, always too sympathetic and looking out for everyone elses feelings when it’d totally be better if he just told them to fuck off and leave him out of their issues. It’s only a few hours after he went to bed that Alex wakes up again, and it’s literally the first thing he thinks about, doesn’t even wipe the sleep from his eyes or think about how his hand fell asleep during the night before thinking, Jack doesn’t want me. He figures he’d better start trying to make his progress right away.

There’s a bowl of cereal on the counter when Jack shuffles out from the bedroom, confused and surprised to see Alex flitting around the living room, clearing off the coffee table and dusting everything. Jack didn’t even know they owned a duster.

“Morning?” Jack greets unsurely, because he’s never seen Alex likes this and he doesn’t know how exactly he’ll react. Maybe he’s having a midlife crisis. Personally, he’d never heard of such a thing happening before the age of at least thirty, but with Alex, Jack figures almost anything is possible.

“Hi, I um… I made you cereal.” Pausing, he nods at the bowl in the kitchen, twisting his clammy fingers together sort of painfully, nails digging into his skin and joints curling in a way that they shouldn’t. But he doesn’t even really feel it. He’s just nervous. What if Jack doesn’t like it, says he’s not hungry, and then maybe he gets on him about wasting their food because Jack doesn’t want to eat it? He’s never said or done anything like that before, but with Alex’s most recent discovery, he’s sure he doesn’t really know what to expect anymore.

“I see that. And I love you for doing that, I always spill the milk when I try to pour it after just waking up, actually, but- why?”

Alex didn’t expect to be asked why. He figured Jack would just shrug it off like he does with most of the odd things Alex does. He’s at a loss for words and thinks he’s going to be found out, have it revealed that he knows about Jack’s secret growing hatred for him. Then his boyfriend would accuse him of snooping through his private stuff and he’d probably find that the final straw and he’d break it off for sure. Alex can’t have him knowing he knows. With lightly pink tinted cheeks, Alex faces away from him, going back to obsessively cleaning to make sure his boyfriend doesn’t leave him. His shoulders shrug up and down and so do Jack’s as he slides the bowl towards him to eat. It was a close call, but that was the end of that and maybe it made things a little better. Though, Alex thinks it really didn’t.

He doesn’t ask for the computer the whole day. Or the next day. Even when Jack tells him in that nice voice of his that he bought an artificial artery for a patient at the hospital, Alex doesn’t even bother with trying to get to an article about blockage and blood clots in the arteries. He still wonders, of course he does, but having to forget about his want to learn something he’d probably forget a few hours later anyway is definitely worth it if it means salvaging his relationship. Alex doesn’t know what he’d do without Jack. Sometimes it’s hard to function with him even already there, just because he’s a master at procrastination and daydreaming and wasting the hours of his life away. Once Jack decides he’s ready to throw Alex away - which Alex knows that day must be approaching quickly, despite his efforts - he’ll be done for on his own. No one could ever replace, Jack, either. It’s scary to think about, but he’d rather be forced to dwell on it than bother Jack with asking for the laptop.

Later in the week, the dishes haven’t stayed piled up in four days, Alex is always up too early and Jack is starting to worry. He’s curious as to what brought on this odd behavior, what’s making his boyfriend suddenly always ask if he needs anything and pull away faster than usual from kisses. But he still doesn’t question it. Maybe the midlife crisis theory was right, and hopefully, it’ll all just blow over in a few days.

It doesn’t. After a week’s time Jack gets his answer.

Despite being truly scared to, Alex ventures out of the house. He sat and thought about whether he should or not almost the entire night before, because his mind was switching back and forth and back and forth between the right decision to make. Was he spending too much time in with Jack? Was he not giving him the space he needed, feeding him too much cereal, putting the folded clothes in the wrong drawer? Or would Jack be pissed that he was leaving again, never being close enough, never spending the quality time with him that Alex was pretty sure Jack didn’t even want anymore. The pondering lasted a bit before he concluded it’d just be a quick run. Some food other than more spaghetti or grilled cheese would maybe help change Jack’s mind a bit.

It takes him about thirty minutes to return with Chinese take-away, hoping his boyfriend’s not mad for spending the money they could be spending on other things. He remembers hearing that Jack didn’t want them eating out as much this year, so they could maybe finally save up enough to get Alex that computer he really wants, and sort of needs.

Jack doesn’t do much when the smell of the food hits his nose, just turns his head as he’s sat on the couch and smiles at Alex in his beanie, plastic bag in hand. But then after just mumbling a “hey” he turns back to the TV, and says nothing more. Alex guesses he should’ve expected Jack not to be all too happy to have him back again.

His movements are unsure as he drags his feet on the floor, sitting next to Jack tentatively and pulling out a take out box. Alex opens his mouth to speak, offer the food as some sort of shitty peace offering to hold their relationship together just a bit longer. But Jack beats him to it, asks him something that Alex hoped he wouldn’t ever question him about.

“Why aren’t you sleeping in the bed with me anymore?”

It’s hard to tell what emotions are sounding in his voice. Alex hears some sort of annoyance, though he thinks that’s all he really hears when he talks to Jack now.

“I got you your favorite.” His eyes are downcast as he holds out the box. It’s too hot and it’s hurting his fingers but he can’t stop staring at the hole in the couch cushion, waiting for Jack to just break it off then and there or nonchalantly accept the food and forget about it like he doesn’t actually secretly want to move out. Alex knows he does. That’s why he’s been spending his nights restless and tossing and lonely on that couch, staring at that same tear in the cushion from dark until morning again, thinking about how it’s so quiet and that he’d better get used to it because it’ll always be this way once Jack leaves him. It’s because Alex knows what he shouldn't, and it really is killing him.

“Is everything okay?”

He never planned to be asked about any of this, had just been hoping it was all enough and that it’d all work and Jack would be his again. He just wanted Jack to love him again. Tears well in Alex’s eyes and he clutches the box a little tighter, his fingers still sort of hurting but it doesn’t really matter. He can’t even feel it, really, can’t focus on anything other than the words playing over and over again in his mind. He has to say them right, or else it’ll turn out all wrong. Or maybe, no matter what way Alex tells him, Jack will still be angry and want to break up. He wishes he didn’t go out.

“What’s the spark in the relationship, anyway?”

“I don’t- what?” Jack tries to play dumb, but right then is when he guesses Alex saw and he doesn’t know what to do.

“How am I supposed to get the spark back to us if I don’t even know what it is?”

Jack’s mouth won’t close. He’s too surprised and he sits there like a fish just gaping at Alex as he wracks his brain for something good to say. It’s scary to think of what Alex might think if he doesn’t get the words out in time or doesn’t say the right thing. The couple tears on the boy’s face are enough to show that he’s sensitive, and this topic has really taken it’s toll on him, however long he’s known and been thinking about it for.

“It’s just… when two people they- I don’t know, they just. They’re really in love with each other.”

Alex nods, still crying but only still just so. Because while it hurts to hear Jack say that, that’s what he’s expected this whole time and now he’s had confirmation. But all the while he’s not even that surprised because deep down he knew what Jack had meant.

“So you’re not in love with me like I am with you?”

There’s a shakiness to his voice that he wished would go away. He’s glad he’s looking away from Jack because he’s tired and and blushing and crying and really a total mess. It feels like the end of the line for them right now. He really, really tried but if Jack didn’t want him in the first place it would only make sense that seeing Alex desperately try and win him back wouldn’t really change his mind.

“What? Oh my god, no, baby, I-”

Alex unintentionally interrupts by letting out a quiet sob, setting the box of food on the table because he feels weak, like he can’t keep himself together and the container was slipping from his fingers.

“Come here.” Jack doesn’t give him a choice, maneuvers Alex so he’s slid along the sofa and closer to Jack, pressed into him. Alex is still tense because he figures Jack’s just getting him comfortable before he says it. The tears fall a bit steadier, his chest physically hurts.

“I meant like, they’re in love, a-and… they show it.”

“I’m sorry for not showing you I love you. I’ve been trying this past week to let you know, but I guess I started too late because you don’t love me back.”

Jack squeezes his arm around Alex’s shoulders tighter, sighing exasperatedly because it’s just his luck that he ended up falling for such a silly boy. He loves that Alex is different from most and that’s why he can’t get enough of him. But at times like these he feels… frustrated. Not with Alex, but that Alex’s mind would let these kind of thoughts even occur. He thinks too much. It’s not always good for him and he worries so often it’s like he’s in college all over again, even though he hasn’t gone back yet since he took a break a couple years ago. The frustration dissipates soon enough though and finally, Jack’s just left feeling sad. Hearing Alex cry next to him because he thinks Jack doesn’t love him makes him really, really sad.

“Would you just stop assuming things? I love you, okay? I’m really in love with you a lot and I searched that because I thought you were the one who was getting tired of me.”

Alex’s tears don’t stop but he looks confused, and a bit hopeful.

“But I would never get tired of you.” He says it like it’s obvious and now he’s trying to think of all the things he himself did wrong again to make Jack feel like that. All the blame just keeps turning around back on him.

“You just… I don’t know. I got so tired and I thought you were angry with me for always going to sleep before we could do anything together. And it was just the same routine every day, except when you went out and even then I just felt even worse, like you’d had enough of me and needed out of the house to be away from me.”

Alex shifts in Jack’s hold, eyes cast down to his fingers where he’s picking at his fingernails.

“That’s stupid.”

“What is?”

“That you would ever think that about me. That you thought this whole time you were doing something wrong and that I didn’t want you.”

“But that’s what you thought about me, right? When you saw the search history?”

“Yeah. We’re both stupid.”

It gets pretty quiet and the TV has been on this whole time and only now do they both really even hear it. There’s not as much steam rising from the box on the table or the bag on the floor but suddenly Alex doesn’t really feel as hungry as he did before. He doesn’t really feel loved again either, but he feels better. Maybe it’ll just take a little bit of time to get used to it, to remember what it feels like to be with Jack and know he’s loved back.

“I love you. Okay?”

“Okay. I love you too.”

“Can we eat now?”

“If you want.”

The atmosphere seems to change from tense and saddening to everything normal all at once. From rainy to sunny. Or maybe just overcast. Alex knows he just heard Jack say it but it’s been a rough week and a little reassurance couldn’t hurt. Maybe he’ll need to ask every day forever just to be certain his boyfriend doesn’t totally hate him. And maybe he’ll never look at the laptop’s search history again because he feels like not knowing and having it sneak up on him would be better than just waiting and waiting for the day Jack finally left. Alex doesn’t want that day to ever come.

“Hey Jack?”

Jack’s got a mouthful of food and keeps his eyes trained on the TV, but responds regardless. Albeit a little distractedly.

“Can you promise you’ll never leave me?”

That gets his attention. He swallows his food and looks down at Alex still pressed into his side, grabbing his hand with these eyes that look kind of sad still but glad that Alex is his. They also show promise.

“Yeah. I promise.”

Alex plans on still making his bowl of cereal for him tomorrow morning. But maybe he’ll move back to the bed.