Let Your Heart Be Your Compass

He traced his fingertips over the ink on my arm, short nails running over the black lines. Gentle touches ghosted over the compass points so delicately etched into my skin, a smile on his lips at his actions.

“Do you miss being by the sea?” Adam asked, barely above a whisper.

*

I was born and raised in Marblehead, Massachusetts, and if I wasn’t helping out down at the yachting club, I was sitting on Devereux beach, staring at the waves. Being on the water, on the yachts, was in my blood and it had been for generations. To even consider living somewhere else was practically sacrilege.

And then Adam came to visit.

It was late one summer, the summer I turned 17 years old, and it was nearing the end of my day. My older brother Simon and I were washing down our family boat after a long day of taking some friends out to swim, and I had my shirt off, skin heated in the late-afternoon sun, when my brother started laughing. I frowned, not understanding, until I realised he wasn’t looking at me – he was looking over my shoulder.

I spun around, noticing a boy just staring at me, wide-eyed and frozen, only confusing me more. What was he looking at?

“Hey James, put a shirt on before the tourist passes out,” Simon jeered loudly, loud enough for the boy to hear.

Oh. Oh. My God my brother’s an ass.

“Shut up Simon,” I scowled, punching him in the arm.

The boy didn’t move though, still looking in my direction, although he had a slight blush on his cheeks. Oh.

“Should I go over?” I whispered to my brother.

He frowned briefly before rolling his eyes.

“I don’t care who you hook up with, just don’t fuck him in public. And remember, sand burn is a bitch. I’ll cover for you with mom and dad, although they’ll probably find out through gossip in half an hour that their baby boy is banging the gay tourist,” my brother shrugged.

“Shut up Simon!” I hissed.

Simon just laughed, taking my cloth from me before shoving me away from the boat. I guess that gives me my answer then. I slid my hands into the pockets of my shorts, shyly smiling as I walked over to where the boy was (for some reason) still standing. Wow. He looks even better up close. Light brown hair with a slight curl, tanned skin with a smattering of freckles across his nose, and dark brown eyes that twinkled with laughter. Something about that smile, that effortless ease of confidence, makes me want to get to know him. And I don’t even know his name.

“Um, sorry about my brother. He can be a real ass,” I murmured, coming to a stop in front of him. Wow, he only comes up to my shoulder, the perfect height.

“Don’t worry about it. If it helps, I was staring because you’re hot,” the boy shrugged, grinning.

Now it was my turn to blush, earning a loud peal of laughter, a sound that made my stomach fill with butterflies.

“I’m Adam,” he said, holding his hand out.

“James,” I replied.

“Think you could show me around?” Adam asked, smiling innocently.

The look in his eyes was anything but innocent. I’ve never met someone like this boy, like Adam, so confident and sure of themselves. Hell, I’ve only really accepted my sexuality recently, so for someone to hint like this?

Well, what have I got to lose? He’s a tourist, he’ll be gone in a few days.

“Sure, I think I can manage that,”

Adam grinned and tugged me closer by the loopholes in my shorts. Somewhere behind us, my brother catcalled. I ignored him.

Sure enough, a week later Adam went home, somewhere close to Pittsburgh, PA. I thought that would be the end of my (one and only) summer fling, a brief teenage week of fun, even though Adam had swapped emails and numbers with me. I genuinely thought a city boy like him would forget about the small town sailing boy he’d met on his family vacation.

But I was wrong.

At least twice a week, emails came, detailing his Senior year of high school and what he wanted to do for college. He sounded so mature, so different to anyone I’d ever met, so special. Adam knew what he wanted out of life – and I didn’t. I nearly cut off all contact with Adam too, too ashamed of my lack of ambition. He deserved someone who was as amazing as he was, someone who was his equal, and it took an intervention from my mom, Simon and my younger brother Michael to make me realise how stupid I would be to waste this chance. Very few people in this town ever left, that was just the way things were. Once the sea was in your blood and your heart, why would you go anywhere else? But my family made me realise that the sea wasn’t alone in my heart anymore – Adam was there too. And I knew that I didn’t want to let him go.

So I applied for college. Only a small community college, but it was in Pittsburgh and was more than anyone I knew had ever done. I worked my ass off to get the grades, desperate to prove to myself if nothing else that I deserved to be in Adam’s life. It did mean that my communication with Adam dropped, but I knew it was a risk I was willing to take.

And it paid off.

Even though we hadn’t really been talking, Adam came back to Marblehead the next summer, a couple of weeks after I turned 18. He looked hesitant when he first arrived, an awkward air between us until I managed to get us alone, onto the beach where we first met.

“I have something to tell you,” I said softly, as calmly as I could.

“You got a boyfriend, didn’t you,” Adam said sadly, taking a step back.

What?

“Woah, no, nothing like that!” I insisted.

“Then why have you barely spoken to me over the past couple of months? Was it something I did? Was I coming on too strong?” Adam said, confused.

“No! I…I’ve been trying to get into college, and I’ve taken on extra credit work to get the grades!” I defended.

“C-College? But you never said…”

“I know,” I interrupted, barely hiding my grin, “it’s only a small community college in Pittsburgh but they said if I got my GPA high enough and got certain grades then I could have a place and…”

“Wait, Pittsburgh?” Adam gasped.

I just nodded, biting my bottom lip. What if I’d been wrong? What if Adam thought this was a stupid idea after all, me coming to him? What if he only wanted me to be that summer fling in Marblehead?

“You’re coming back to Pittsburgh with me?” Adam asked hopefully.

“If you’ll have me, yeah,” I grinned.

Adam answered by kissing me firmly on the lips, throwing his arms around my neck. I couldn’t help but laugh against his mouth as I kissed him back, ignoring the faint cheers I could hear on the wind. Maybe a change of scenery would do me good.

“Want to see how much we can get away with before those cheers turn to boos?” Adam murmured, bucking his hips slightly.

I knew I liked him for a reason.

*

It seemed crazy at the time, when I really thought about it, to leave everything I’d ever known for a boy I’d barely met. But somehow I knew the risk would be worth it. Adam would be worth it. And I was right. Five years passed, and it was like nothing has changed. I’d completed my two years at community college, and was now working in a woodcrafting workshop building everything from tables to boats, a little slice of home even in the middle of the city. And Adam finished his Politics and Legislation degree, and was now working for the local council. We were happy, secure, and we have a future. Sure, Adam and I weren’t the sun-kissed naïve teenagers we were when we first met, but I was still as enchanted with him as I was back then, and he still looks at me like I’m the best things he’s ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, we have our good days and our bad days, his stubbornness clashing against my pride, but my love for him has only grown as we’ve grown. And I can’t imagine a future without him.

I love him.

And it’s moments like these, when we’re lying together in our bed, in our apartment, that I realise how lucky I am. I have a beautiful attractive man lying naked in my arms, and he wants to be a part of my life, a part of my future. Last year I got a tattoo, a tattoo I’d been planning for a while, to express everything that had happened in my life until now. It was only a simple compass design, hand drawn onto my skin before the ink was made permanent, but Adam told me every morning how beautiful it was.

I pressed a gentle kiss to his temple, and Adam just hummed, not looking up at me. He was tracing his fingertips over the ink on my arm, short nails running over the black lines. Gentle touches ghosted over the compass points so delicately etched into my skin, a smile on his lips at his actions.

“Adam,” I said softly, trying to catch his attention.

“Ssh, I’m busy,” he grumbled, eyes never leaving the tattoo on my forearm.

I chuckled, leaning back against the pillow, allowing him to return to his admiring. It was nice to lie in the silence of the morning, while the rest of the world was still asleep.

Eventually, Adam looked up at me, bare shoulders curling into my side, palm resting flat on my chest.

“Do you miss being by the sea?” Adam asked, barely above a whisper.

“Not when I get to see your face every morning,” I murmured.

“James!” Adam giggled, swatting at my half-heartedly, “I mean it!”

I took a few moments to think of what to say, how to say what I truly meant, how to express my honest feelings. I could never lie to Adam. And I would never want to.

“Sometimes, I guess. But I wouldn’t change what I’ve got now with what I had then,” I said simply.

Adam blushed, making me smile softly, looking up at the ceiling, holding my boyfriend a little bit tighter.

It was true when I said I missed the sea. But this tattoo, this simple compass tattoo running from my wrist to the middle of my forearm did have meaning. Significant meaning. For sailors, for people who lived and worked by or on the sea like my family, a compass was your guide. It helped you find your way home. So when I left my home, I needed a reminder of how to find my way whenever I felt I was lost, when I needed that guidance.

But whenever I see Adam, he reminds me of something my mom told me before I left Marblehead, that I should let my heart be my guide, my compass when I’m lost. Adam is my everything, my heart, my home. My beautiful Adam, so sweet and gentle, so much more than I deserve but everything that I could ever want. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d get the chance to share my life with someone as wonderful as him. So if I allow my heart to be my guide, my true compass, I know I’ll always find my way to him.

“I love you, James,” Adam murmured, lips brushing against my skin.

“And I love you,” I replied, smiling.

And I always will.