Stomachaches

After what seemed like an endless number of minutes of knocking and pleasing outside of Jack's door, Rian had finally managed to pick the lock somehow. After opening the door, I had expected to find him curled up in bed, sobbing into his pillow and writhing. But no. Jack was nowhere to be found. I began to panic, searching all over his room for any sort of sign that might tell us where he is. But our search fell to no avail. We had tried not to panic, and tried to tell ourselves that he was somewhere safe, although all of us knew that wasn't the case. Jack attracted trouble like a magnet, and everyone knew it.

That night I laid alone in the bed that was meant for Jack and I, as I clutched my sweaty pillow and writhed, searching for any acceptable excuse for me saying what I had said to him. I felt awful. I had always known that Jack was the slightest bit off, ever since I'd first met him, but never did I think that I would admit it. Especially not to him. How many times was I going to allow myself to do him wrong? The last thing he deserved was to be hurt any further, and I was fueling the fire of his depression. Six months ago I had shattered his heart, and only a few days ago had he finally seemed to forgive me, and I thought everything was going to be okay. But I fucked up again. He didn't deserve it. All I wanted was to love him and make him feel wanted.

There was a knock at the top of the basement door, and I responded with a weary. 'Come in.' It was only mid day, and Jack had been gone for about thirty two hours now, and the house felt utterly empty. Soon, Rian came thumping down the stairs, a hurt expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" I ask, sitting up in bed, ignoring the fact that I was using one of Jack's t-shirts as a pillow case. Rian didn't seem to mind. He only sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, glancing down at his hands.

"Vic and Kellin are here." He says quietly, glancing up at the confused expression on my face. I didn't quite understand why he was stressing about them being here. They were Jack's best friends, and maybe they were just looking for him? Or maybe Jack was out in the car waiting for them? Maybe he sent them in to make sure that we weren't mad at him?

"So?" I wonder out loud, glancing up to the open basement doors, listening to the quiet voices echoing throughout the hallway.

"They're here to collect Jack's things." Rian answers, cringing at the shocked expression on my face. "He's actually leaving us."

I closed my open jaw as I allowed the information to sink in. I had finally pushed Jack to the breaking point. He had been wondering whether or not he belonged here ever since he had moved in, and I was the one to unknowingly inform him that he in fact did not belong here. But to me, he always had belonged here, and he always would. He belonged in my bed alongside me, cuddled up into my side as he always did.

I got up out of my bed, ignoring Rian's questions as I made my way up the basement stairs, finding Zack, Vic and Kellin standing in the kitchen. Vic forces a smile at me, and Kellin only scowls. Vic's grip gets visibly tighter on his boyfriend's hand, in an attempt to calm him down.

"What do you guys need?" I question them, ignoring Kellin's eyes practically burning holes into my flesh. "I'll help you find it." I found myself saying.

"We have everything he asked for, but thank you for offering, Alex." Vic says, being the polite, lovely human that he'd always been. Kellin was always the hothead of the two of them, so they evened each other out. They were a match made in heaven. I wished Jack could see that him and I were that way, too. That no matter what he said, or how he tried to push me away, we were each other's only match.

I nod and smile, leaning against the edge of the counter as I listened to Rian's footsteps traveling up the stairs. He reaches the top and rubs at his bloodshot eyes before looking up at Vic.

"Do you guys promise that you'll take good care of him?" Rian asks with a shaky voice. I had caught on quick enough to know that he had been crying. I always knew that he had lots of affection and care directed toward Jack, but never did I realize how much he really worried for his best friend.

"We swear on our lives." Kellin interjects before Vic can say anything. The older of the two nods in agreement with his boyfriend, flashing Rian his perfect smile. "He'll be in excellent hands."

Rian nods briefly before turning and exiting the room, disappearing down the hallway leading into the living room. I stare down at my sock covered feet for a few moments as Vic and Zack discuss details.

"You have to remind him to eat sometimes, he forgets to quite often." Zack explains, the tone in his voice signaling that he too was saddened from Jack's departure. I was glad to know that Rian and I weren't the only ones.

"Alright. Uh, what about drinking? Do you guys keep alcohol in the house for him? Oh! And smoking! What kind of cigarettes does he smoke? He gets pretty irritable without them, or so I've heard." Vic asks, seemingly rambling on and on as he often does. I can see why him and Jack are such good friends. Vic likes to speak, and Jack likes to listen. Vic has a lot of feelings, Jack rarely has any. Vic was white, Jack was black. And Kellin was the gray in between, a mixture of the two.

"We usually try to keep him away from drinking, seeing as he obviously can't handle it recreation-ally. And he smokes anything you get him. He's not picky in the slightest." Zack answers slowly, as I listen to the shuffling of his feet across the tiled kitchen floor. I bit the inside of my lip and ripped off a piece of the flesh before looking back up, finding Vic's eyes already making contact with my own.

"Okay, thanks." Vic smiles at Zack, before directing his gaze back to me. "He misses you, y'know." I felt my cheeks heat up in a blush as Zack and Vic beam at me. Kellin remains hostile. "He got pretty trashed last night. I don't think he remembers much, but he could hardly keep your name out of his mouth. Oli seemed to comfort him a bit, though."

A raise an eyebrow at the name as the familiar fire of anger begins to build in the depths of my stomach. Who was talking to my Jack again? Who the fuck did this Oli kid think he was, talking to someone else's boyfriend? Yeah. I said boyfriend. Jack and I never actually broke up. He just left. He never ended the relationship, and I intend on keeping it that way.

I nod and force a smile. "Well, thank you guys for watching my love." I utter quietly before leaving the kitchen, and making my way into the living room. I had to see Jack soon. I had to talk to him, hear his voice, feel his frail arms wrapped around my neck again. I wasn't giving him up, not now, not ever. Jack is mine, and will always be. I thought for a moment, and decided that I was going to go up into Jack's room and dig through the things that Vic and Kellin had left behind. I made my way up the stairs, and entered Jack's room, which still smelled like him. Strawberries and cigarettes.

I glanced around, finding that they had left his bed sheets, pillows and bed behind, along with all other furniture in his room. They had left quite a bit behind, but I wasn't complaining. I didn't mind having more of Jack's things laying around. I bit my tongue, realizing how badly I'd fucked up this time. My stomach feels empty as I realize how my words must have affected my love. I didn't mean them. Or did I? I knew that I was searching for a reason for him to stay, and that I never wanted for him to leave. But now it was my fault that he was out the door.

I sat down cross legged on the floor before leaning to my right, checking under Jack's bed for anything important. There was a shoe box in the corner, nestled into the corner of the room. I reached underneath, my arms retrieving it with ease, and I pulled it out. Setting it in my lap, I notice that there's no dust on it. Now, the guys, Jack, and I had lived in this house ever since graduation. There's no way that this box had gone untouched in these past four years. I wanted to open it, yet at the same time the inner good inside of me was screaming that I should respect his privacy and leave his room. But that's not what I wanted to do. I remained on the floor, and flipped open the box, finding it stuffed with multiple pieces of notebook paper, and various little things like rocks, key chains, and even bracelets. I grabbed the top piece of notebook paper out of the box and unfolded it, immediately recognizing my own scrawly hand writing.

'Jack,

I know things are hard for you right now, even though you won't admit it. Something's changed in you, toward me. You've got those dreamy eyes you only have when you start to overthink things. Your hands shake in mine, and I've had to start asking you for kisses again.

All I'm asking is that you tell me what happened. You need to let this out of your system, you need to let me love you again. I miss my happy, optimistic Jack. I want him back. I can understand if he's gone, but no matter what, I'll always be in love with you, Jack. Just please let me in.

You've stopped eating again. You think I don't notice, but I do. I notice the way you stare down, disgusted at your food, and when you stare down at your own body, you look like you may start to cry. You've started wearing your sweatshirts again. It was seventy degrees yesterday and you were wearing a hoodie. I thought you'd promised that you'd never hide anything from me.

What I'm trying to say, is that you are my everything, and I don't think anyone could ever change that. Jack, in my eyes I see you as nothing but a work of art. You are constantly surprising me with your effortless beauty, and I can hardly handle it. I just want you to be you again, and if you can't, than so be it. I've fallen in love with every single cell in your body. Nothing will change that. Just please, never give up. Things won't be shitty forever.

- Alex '

My heart sank down into my stomach. Why hadn't he thrown these away? They must have had a significance in his mind, or he wouldn't have kept them. I was absolutely touched that he had kept my love letter to him over this many years. And it it was still in perfect condition, like I had just written it seconds ago. I took a deep breath, deciding that I may be able to handle one more note without crying. I crawled up into Jack's bed with the box, picking up the next note in the box and unfolding it. Again, this one had been from me.

'Jack,

You've been out of school for awhile now. Your parents tell me that you're getting the help you need. Help for what? Jack, you've never told me about any of this. Your Mom invited me inside, and offered to explain things. Now, I know that you probably should've done it yourself, but I was too damn curious.

She'd told me that you hadn't eaten for days, that you get home from school and lock yourself away in your room. That she's read your journal and is horrified of what she'd read inside if it. About how she asked you to take off your sweatshirt one day and you refused. And how she had to have your older brother hold you down so she could pull it off of you. She told me that she wishes that she would've just let you be. She said that you'd been mutilating yourself again, hating yourself and falling back into the well of depression, and being left to drown.

She said that she'd never even thought about you trying to take your own life. So, when your mother found you bleeding on the floor, I don't blame her for stepping in. I just miss you so damn much, even though I'm glad you're getting help. You'd always give me subtle information about the monsters lurking in your head, but you've never, ever hinted anything about you carving into your own flesh. Please get better, Princess. I love you.

- Till Forever,
Alex.'

I ignored the watering of my eyes. These high school memories where crawling back into my head, and I didn't see them leaving any time soon. I took a deep breath and set Jack's box on top of his nightstand before laying down. I rest my head down on one of his pillows and pull the comforter over my shaking body.

"It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay," I murmur repeatedly to myself, trying to assure that I would see Jack soon, and that he would once again be mine. And I came to a sudden conclusion.

If I can't have him, nobody can.