Stomachaches

I woke up with an unsettling feeling of pure nothingness enveloping my entire body. Nothing felt real anymore. Everything all felt as though it was one huge dream, yet my eyes were open, and I could feel things happening to my body. My stomach ached from all of the liquor I had consumed last night, but I did my best to ignore it. The aches in my body were the only think anchoring me to reality.

I remembered the majority of last night. Remembering cuddling with Brendon on my couch, and talking to Alex. Yelling at Zack and smiling at Rian. My heart was empty. I was empty. This is what I had feared the most. Black hearted, dead Alan was back. And I had a certain feeling that I would be unable to hide him today.

Deciding that I really didn't give the slightest ounce of a fuck, I pulled open my bedroom door, exiting and beginning the trek downstairs. I made my way into the kitchen, deciding on preparing myself a cup of black coffee and eating half of an apple. I pulled out my special coffee cup, and put it under the coffee machine, allowing the dark liquid to spill out into my cup. Walking over to the refrigerator, I pull it open, grabbing an apple before setting it down in the counter to cut it.

"Hey, Jack." Zack's voice says from behind me. I internally cringed, already feeling the anger build up inside of me.

"Hi." I reply shortly, proceeding in cutting my fucking apple.

"How are you?" Zack asks, walking up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Your back looks a lot better."

I take a deep breath. "Can you please go get Rian?" I ask as politely as I can, despite the urge to rip his fucking head off.

"Why? What's wrong, dude?" Zack asks, obviously clueless to the whole matter.

"Today is one of those days." I grumble, biting my lip as I separate the half of the apple that I was eating today from the rest of it. Maybe I'll eat it tomorrow.

I heard Zack's footsteps practically running out of the kitchen. I didn't get what the big deal was. I didn't think I was that bad when I was like this. Okay, thinking back on it, I was pretty bad.

Popping an apple slice into my mouth, I turned around to find that Zack had returned, but instead of Rian, Alex was trailing behind him.

"The fuck do you expect him to do?" I snap, after swallowing my apple slice. I watched as Zack cringed at my words, but Alex remained expressionless.

"Jack, Rian is at work." Zack states, watching me with careful eyes as I lifted my coffee cup up to my lips, taking a sip. I could understand why he was acting sheepish. Most likely because I once threw a coffee cup at Rian when I was in one of these shitty moods. "Alex is the only other one in this house that can calm you down."

"Maybe I don't want to calm down." I reply, swallowing my coffee before looking back up to them. "What if I'm fucking fine just the way I am?"

"Will you please just talk to him, Jack?" Zack begs, taking a few steps forward, eyes pleading.

"He's not a fucking therapist, Zack!" I exclaim, setting my coffee cup down on the counter. "What if I need professional help?"

"We already know you need professional help," Alex snaps, finally speaking up. "We just need for you to get some fucking insurance so we can get you the help you obviously need."

I sigh, allowing Alex's words to sink deep into my head. I stare down at my feet for a moment, contemplating. I knew that if I didn't talk to Alex, I'd feel this awful all day. And I'd end up drinking for the third night in a row. But if I did talk to him, I could easily see myself succumbing to his charms and falling back in love with him. Scratch that, I don't truly think I ever fell out of love with him. In reality, my heart was still in his hands, just as his was in mine.

"Fine," I grumble, pushing off the edge of the counter and standing up straight. "Where are you gonna take me?"

"My room." Alex replies simply, receiving a grateful smile from Zack.

"What?" I ask, dumbfounded. "There's no way I'm going in your room."

"It's the darkest room in the house, and besides," He spins around, staring at me with those big, beautiful brown eyes. "You like talking about your feelings in the dark."

I nod, finally agreeing to his wish. I shot one last glare at Zack before following Alex to the basement door. Luckily, that little shit had the entire basement to himself, since he was the one who got to choose his room first.

Alex pulled open the door and held it open for me, allowing me to venture down the stairs before him.

"Not even a simple 'thank you'?" Alex's voice follows from me. "Shit, you must really be out of it today, huh?"

"Yeah, yeah." I grumble, reaching the bottom of the stairs. The room doesn't look very different from the last time I'd been here six months ago. The walls were still painted black just as I had remembered. Glancing around, I found that pictures of him and I still hung on his walls. Ones of us kissing, cuddling, walking. "You still have these?"

"Of course I do," He replies, turning off the light. "They were the best moments of my life."

My heart fluttered, but I bit my tongue. Soon enough, I felt Alex's hand on my own, and I allowed him to lead me to his bed. There were memories that were ruining my head. Like on his birthday, when we had both gotten half drunk. He had pulled me down into bed with him, and- well, you can imagine what happened next.

I snapped out of my reminiscing stage, suddenly feeling uncomfortable sitting with Alex on the bed that we had once made love on. A shiver slide down my spine as I was pulled back, Alex's strong, yet skinny hands wrapping around my waist startled me. I found myself leaning against the wall, feeling his presence beside me.

"You know that you don't have to be uncomfortable around me, right?" He questions, positively radiating love, as he always did. Alex has always had a talent for making me feel safe. And I never felt safe. But when this goofy man was sat down next to me, all my worries seemed to melt away, and I was once again living in the moment. Like him and I were infinite, our worlds connected and never ending. This was one of those moments.

"What?" I ask incredulously, raising my eyebrows even though I knew that he wasn't able to see it. "Of course I know. You know everything about me already, it shouldn't really matter."

"True," Alex agrees, that stupid, unmistakable chuckle finding it's way into his voice. But he quickly grows serious again. "So that means that you won't have any trouble telling me what's been on your mind lately?"

I let out a sigh, questioning whether or not I wanted to explain myself to my ex-boyfriend. Then again, was there anything left for me to lose? I was already a mess, a suicide waiting to happen. Why not take a risk? Besides the point, this was Alex we're talking about. He would never intentionally hurt me.

"Weird shit, dude." I mutter, closing my eyes. The room was already pitch black, so it didn't matter anyway. "Life and death. You and I. Why I exist. Stuff like that."

"Jack, are you suicidal?" Alex asks tentatively, causing my heart rate to increase.

"I'm not sure." I reply honestly. "Are you telling me that everyone doesn't feel this way?"

"How do you feel?" The boy to my left asks, his voice almost lost in the darkness.

"How do I feel?" I scoff, shaking my head. "I feel empty. Lost, as though I should be looking for something more. There's always a stupid voice in the back of my head telling me that life adds up to more than this, and that I'm the only one unable to feel complete."

"What is your life?" He asks quietly. "Can you describe it to me?"

"My life is dark, and dismal. Rarely anything goes on, except for my repulsive behavior. Getting black out drunk, fucking strangers, loathing myself."

"What do you consider repulsive about yourself?"

"My drinking habits, and my longing to be loved." I reply after a moment of silence. "As a great man once said, 'I am so full of love, and nobody wants it.'."

Alex chuckles nervously. "You heard that, huh?"

"Yeah," I tell him, reflecting back to the moment. Suddenly wishing that I had a cigarette. "You don't deserve to put up with me, Lex. You have too much going on."

"Like what?" He scoffs. "You're the only thing going on in my life, and you aren't even mine."

"Was I ever really yours, though?" I question. "I had always thought my sadness had a pretty good hold on me."

"Well, sadness better step the fuck off because you're mine." Alex states, leaning over to sling his arm around my shoulders. I sigh, leaning into him and resting my head on his shoulder.

"What're we doing, Lex?" I ask quietly, burying my forehead into the fabric of his T-shirt. "We kill each other, you know that, right?"

He sighs. "Of course I do. But we're also the only thing keeping each other alive."

I chuckle, taking in a deep breath. God, how could I deny him any longer? Ever since the second that we'd broken up, I'd been a mess. He'd been miserable. Perhaps things were better off when we were together.

Then there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Alex huffs, looking up the stairway to find Zack staring back at us.

"Uh, Jack?" Zack says awkwardly. "Brendon is here for you."

"Shit." I hiss under my breath, sneaking out from under Alex's comfortable grip. "I'm sorry, Lex."

Alex shakes the head, the light from the kitchen shining down and only illuminating half of his face. "It's okay that you don't love me anymore, Jack. But please, don't rub it in my face."

"Alex, I do love you, with every ounce of my being. But I refuse to hurt you anymore." I mutter, before turning around and going up the stairs.

I enter the kitchen, finding Zack staring at me with a sympathetic look on his face. I just force a smile before walking towards the living room. When I got there, Brendon was seated on the couch, looking as sexy as ever.

"Hey, sweetheart!" Brendon exclaims when he sees me, getting up off of the couch and slinging his skinny arms around my waist. "I was missing you at work today."

"I can bet that I missed you more." I say, not totally lying. Of course I had thought about Brendon. I liked the way he was so into me. I liked being liked. But the thing about Brendon was that his arms were pale, and he had a sleeve of tattoos unlike the two tanned, sparsely tattooed arms that I was familiar with. Instead of staring into warm, chocolate brown eyes, all I saw was a piercing dark puddle. When I ran my fingers through his hair, there was much less of it than I was used to. The thing was, he just wasn't Alex Gaskarth.

Brendon smiles, leaning in for a kiss and I cooperate. Feeling his lips on mine was different. From the way he positioned his tongue, to his hands rested solidly on my ass, nothing felt right. But I allowed it to happen.

"So," Brendon beams once we had pulled away. "I thought maybe you and your friends would like to come to my bar tonight for some free drinks? Just so they can get to know me."

"Why?" I murmur, taking his hands into mine. "Trust me, you don't want to be anymore associated with me than you already are."

Brendon giggles, a cute, melodic sound. "See, that's where you're wrong, Jack Barakat. I was going to wait until tonight, but...would you, uh, maybe wanna be my boyfriend?"