Status: in progress

Stomachaches

My Clothes Still Smell Like You

This morning I woke up with my face buried into a neck that wasn't my boyfriend's. At first I began questioning myself whether or not I had brought anyone home last night. But, when I found that I was still wearing my boxers and T-shirt, I had assumed that nothing had happened. I grumbled, lifting myself up to find Alex's big brown eyes staring into mine.

"Good morning." I tell him, forcing a smile. He smiles back, his eyes crinkling up at the corners as they often did.

"Good morning, whiskey breath." Alex chuckles, sticking out his tongue. I had to ignore the urge in my chest to lean in and kiss his fucking tongue back into his mouth, but I resisted.

"I should probably go brush my teeth, huh?" I say embarrassed as my cheeks heat up. I move to get up off of my Alex-bed, but his hands wrap around my waist, and pull me back down.

"No," He pouts, shaking his head. "I wanted to snuggle with you."

"We snuggled all night, Lex." I point out, fighting the grin trying to spread across my lips. I could never figure it out about Alex. The way he made me so happy, I mean. He didn't even have to try, yet he made me into an entirely happy person while we were together. No one else could do that for me.

"So?" Alex questions, raising his eyebrows. "Who said I didn't want more?"

My stomach swells as I bite the inside of my lip, staring at the boy in front of me. We gazed into each other's eyes for a few moments, his eyes melting into mine. Finally, I rested my head back in the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath and smelling nothing but Alex. That was definitely something I didn't mind.

"Jack?" Alex asks quietly, the rising and falling of his chest causing my head to move along with it. It was quite relaxing, to be perfectly honest.

"Yeah?" I murmur into his neck, my lips barely pressed to the soft skin. I closed my eyes, melting into the gentleness of his touch.

"What happens next?" He asks cautiously, his voice laced with worry and uncertainty. It made me upset that I didn't have the slightest clue in what to say to him, nor did I have any choice but to allow things to go back to the way that they used to be.

I sigh, propping myself up on my life elbows as I stare into his eyes once more. "We pretend that none of this ever happened. I go back to ignoring you, and you go back to hating me."

"Jack, I never hated you-" He begins, but I cut him off.

"That's not the point. The point is that we will never work. Maybe one day we will when I'm not so broken and you're not so jealous." I say quietly, making a move to get off of him. He doesn't protest this time. I mutter out an apology before exiting the living room, wondering into the kitchen.

My stomach was growling angrily in my torso, obviously mad at me since I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday. I didn't exactly mind. See, I didn't have an eating disorder, nor an issue with food. I loved to eat. I just didn't necessarily think that I deserved to eat. I had lost a countless amount of pounds doing this, and I didn't plan on stopping any time soon. I was still felt empty, even while my stomach was full of food. So why should I eat? It's pointless to me.

I glanced around, locating my cigarettes on the counter on top of the microwave. I grabbed them, taking the lighter next to them as well before heading outside. I sat down on the porch step, opening the carton and pulling out a cigarette before lighting it and taking a drag.

I had never figured out Alex's addictive properties. I had always known that I've loved him. I've loved him like I'd never loved anything in my life. He was my everything, and just as he had claimed, I was his. But that didn't matter to me as of now. What mattered, was getting Alex away from me. My greatest fear was that I would fall into a relationship with him and I would fuck up, and hurt him. All I did was fuck up, and hurt others. I knew that I did. No one needed to tell me that I was a wretched human being, for I was fully aware.

My head fell into my hands as I realized that I had made myself upset. Tears of frustration flowed down my cheeks, falling onto the cotton fabric of my T-shirt. I sniffled, looking down at the ground from the space in between my fingers.

"What am I doing?" I quietly questioned myself, shaking my head. What the fuck was I doing? How could I possibly fall asleep on Alex, leading him to believe that we could end up together again? It was never going to happen, I was a time bomb. I refused to hurt him again, and I knew no matter how hard I tried, I would fuck up and I'd end up in the same position I'm in now.

I took another drag of my cigarette before stomping it out and reentering the house. I wobbled up the stairs, my head fuzzy and unfocused as I did so. When I reached my room, I pushed the door open, entering and closing the door behind me. I found my phone tossed onto my bed, a sticky note taped to the back of it's case.

'Left this in my pocket.'

I immediately recognized it as Alex's handwriting, remembering all of the love letters that he had written to me in high school. I shook the thoughts from my head, almost wanting to erase Alex from my life all together. I needed someone new, besides Brendon to take my mind off of things. Not like Rian and Zack weren't great, but they were just as good of friends with Alex as they were with me. It wasn't necessarily easy to get over the love of your life while living with him. I needed a new best friend.

I picked up my phone and flopped down onto my bed, unlocking it and beginning to scroll through the contacts. Some people I questioned why I even had their numbers after four years. But, some people I was stoked to remember. Finally, it seemed as though I had found the perfect candidate. The one person who would take me in at a second's notice. Someone who was so entirely in love with me in high school. Someone who has obsessed over me ever since I could remember. That person happened to be Tyler Carter.

I clicked on his contact, smiling as I saw the number, silently hoping that it hadn't changed. I decided to send him a text, simply saying hello and asking if he'd like to hang out anytime soon, because I missed him. I tossed my phone onto the comforter next to me before glancing over to the mini-fridge I had in the corner. I pulled open the little door and pulled out a bottle of beer. Sounds like a perfect breakfast right now.

I twisted the top off, bringing the bottle to my lips and taking a sip before I heard my phone beep. No one ever texted me besides Rian and occasionally Zack, and since both of them were at work, I figured that neither one of them needed me. Because let's be honest, no one ever needed me. So it had to be Tyler. I unlocked my phone, clicking on the message before reading it.

'Been thinking about you recently. Did you wanna hang out? I mean, if you're not busy with Alex...'

Shit, that sort of stung. I rolled my eyes before replying, telling him that I'd love to hang out and that Alex and I were history. I figured I'd better change into some decent clothes. Even if Tyler didn't want to hang out, I could always go out for a walk, maybe go to a coffee shop or see a movie. After I had gotten on some black jeans and a black T-shirt, I just flopped back into bed. I never seemed to care much for my appearance. My phone beeped once more.

'Starbucks on 4th Street. Meet me there at one.'

I typed back a 'yes' before pulling on my shoes and tucking my wallet and cigarette carton into my back pocket. Finger combing my hair, I stepped out of my room, running into Zack on the way out. What the fuck? Why isn't he at work?

"Where are you going?" He asks, raising his eyebrows at me. No one in the house liked me leaving alone, considering that I usually came back either drunk or grumpy. Not like it mattered to me. But this time, I decided to have a little fun with the guys. Maybe it'd be fun to play a little joke on them.

"Going to check out some apartments on 4th Street." I lie nonchalantly, spinning around and continuing to walk, listening as Zack's footsteps trail behind me.

"What?" Zack asks, obviously very surprised. This pleased me. "Who said you could move out?"

"I did. I'm twenty two years old and I want a fucking place all to myself. Where I can smoke inside and not get smacked upside the head." I snap, real anger rising inside of me as he began doubting me. Who said I could move out? I fucking did. I'm an adult, I can go wherever whenever I fucking want to. None of these peasants own me. Thinking about it, moving out sounds like a pretty damn good idea. I'd give it more thought later.

"Jack, you don't mean that." Zack says flatly, still following me once I had reached the bottom of the stairs. "You wouldn't last a day without us to take care of you."

I turned around to face him, biting down on my lip until I drew blood. "Do you wanna test that theory? We'll see what happens." I roll my eyes, leaving the house and making my way towards fourth street. It was already twelve fifty, and I only lived two blocks away from fourth street. So I'd be a little bit early, but it's whatever.

I proceeded in my walk, deciding not to smoke a cigarette for once, and put some serious thought into moving into my own apartment. I knew that Zack was wrong. I could handle myself. I began to see the beauty of living on your own. There were no rules, nothing to compromise on. I could take a shit on the floor if I wanted to. Not that I want to, but just the general idea of doing whatever the fuck I want got me excited. Once I dumped Brendon, I could bring all sorts of boys home, moaning as loud as I damn well please. I've decided that I was going to move out. Not only was it good for Alex and I, but it was good for the rest of the guys too. They had to stop worrying about me. As much as they'd like to believe it, I'm not their little brother, and I never will be. I'm just as important as they are, and I know I have some issues but I know that I can get through them if I just figure out how to trust myself. That's all I need.

Pulling open the door to Starbucks, I ordered a hot chocolate and sat down in a booth in the back. I took slow sips, as to not burn my tongue. Soon enough, the bells of the door had jingled, and Tyler sauntered in, looking just as fucking hot as I remember him looking. Same sexy stubble, adorable smile, and amazing hair. He got his drink and walked over to me, sitting down and smiling.

"Hey," He says, beaming at me as his big, bright eyes make contact with mine. I found myself blushing, my stomach tossing and turning inside of me. What was this? "You look beautiful, as always."

My cheeks heated up even more as my tongue tied trying to find the things to say. I smiled at him before I spoke, not thinking about I was saying. "Thank you. So...are you single?"