Stomachaches

For once in what feels like forever, I didn't wake up alone. I woke up in my love's arms, opening my eyes to find him staring right back. The corners of his lips turned up as we gazed into each other, as I fought the demons in my head telling me that this wouldn't last. I bit my bottom lip as he uttered a tired 'Good morning', his morning voice still as sexy and rough as I had remembered it to be.

"Good morning." I reply quietly, smiling at the tightening of his arms around my waist, pulling me in toward him. Our stomachs were touching now, as were our chests since I had buried my head into the crook of his neck. He laid down on his back, and pulled my right leg up over him as I wrapped my arm around his stomach. His right arm rested on my waist, gently tracing patterns with his fingertips onto the bruised skin.

"Do we have to get up?" He asks, turning his head to kiss the top of mine. "Because I'm kind of really enjoying this." My heart rate increased at the words, and I finally came to the realization of how much Alex really missed me, and how much I had hurt him. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to have to deal with all my demons, and issues. They were my own cross to bear, and if he even tried to solve any of my problems, I was going to stop telling him about them. That was the only way to assure that I wouldn't become a burden to him. Overnight he had become an essential to my happiness and if I lost him again, well, only time could tell what my mind would make me do to myself.

"Of course we don't." I murmur into the soft flesh of his neck, able to smell what kind of body wash he was using, and I quickly recognized the scent as mine. "Have you been using my body wash?" I question lazily, feeling his chest rise and fall as he chuckles.

"Yeah, uh, I guess I've really been missing you. I even took one of your shirts." He says shyly, as I smile. My heart ached at the fact that he longed for me, and I refused to be there for him. He was willing to do anything to for me to take him back, when all I wanted was a sincere apology. And I had gotten one. I had let him have a sneak peek into my head, how my brain works, how I've been feeling. How all of this time that I've slept with all of these other men in a shallow attempt to replace him for my own comfort, I never noticed his pain. I'm a bad person.

"Well, you don't have to miss me any longer." I reply, before pressing a light kiss to the side of his neck. "Because I'm right here and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon." I find that he's smiling as I sit up, despite his arms trying to hold me back down to him. I stare at him for a moment, taking in his bed head, clouded eyes and expression, loving every second of it. "Don't you think we should do something today?"

"We were doing something. We were cuddling until you pried yourself out of my grasp." He retorts with a smirk, staring up at me as I raise my eyebrows at him. "Okay, okay." He says, raising his hands up in mock surrender. "What do you think we should do, Princess?"

My cheeks burned at the nickname, but I kept my excitement under wraps as his hands fell back onto my waist. "Uh, maybe we could go downtown with the guys? I mean, if they want to, because they probably hate me because I'm such a fucking prick and I don't blame them because I hate me too, and I'm sure you probably secretly hate me and you guys are just waiting for a time to kill me and-"

"Jack." Alex says sternly, sitting up and staring into my eyes. "You're rambling. The guys don't hate you, they miss you more than anything. Especially Rian, he just wants his little brother back and doesn't want you to leave. I, on the other hand couldn't hate you even if I tried. I love you to pieces and really wish that you could believe it."

I bit my lip, feeling the sudden familiar feeling of guilt washing over me like a tidal wave. But when Alex leaned in to kiss my cheek, I knew that he was right, as he often was. The empty space inside of me had began to fill up, and I don't think I could ever get enough of the feeling coming over me.

"Going downtown would be awesome. Now, maybe you should go ask them while I'm in the shower." Alex smiles as I get off the bed, leaving his hand in mine as he stood up as well. I was nervous. Nervous that I was going to be rejected by my best friends and that everything was going to turn into a real shit show. But I nodded, nonetheless, allowing Alex to pull me up the stairs. He opened the basement door and entered the kitchen, as I followed, staring at the back of his shirtless frame. Zack was sitting at the dining room table, newspaper in hand. When Alex and I entered, his eyes widened as he stared up at us, clearly taking in our shirtless bodies and fucked up hair.

"We had a movie night!" Alex says happily, Zack smiling in return before Alex ran off towards the bathroom, the sound of his bare feet slapping the hardwood floor becoming more distant with each second. Zack looked up at me, his eyebrows raised in question.

"Are you two...a thing again?" He asks eagerly, staring at me. I didn't know the answer to that question. For once in my life I had assumed that I had known everything and fixed all the wrong in my life. But obviously I was wrong. What the fuck was I supposed to tell this kid? If I said no, Alex's feelings might get hurt, and if I say yes, Alex might get mad at me because we'd never made it official. So I went with a different option.

"I dunno." Is my expert reply. He doesn't look like he believes me, but I take a deep breath and stare him down, holding the anxiety in my stomach so I don't flake and say anything else. It seems to work, as Zack flashes me a wink and a smile before going back to his newspaper. Well, that went better than expected. "I'm not done." I say, gathering his attention once more. He looks up to me, as if saying to go on.

"Would you, uh, maybe wanna go downtown with the guys and I later? Its cool if you don't want to, I uh-"

"I'd love to." He cuts me off and I'm glad he did. I don't handle rejection well. I'm far too sensitive, and it hurts my feeling to be honest. I nod and smile before pacing off and entering the living room. Rian is seated on the couch. He looks up at me, his eyes surprised.

"Do you, uh, wanna go downtown with Alex, Zack and I?"

Three hours later and what seemed like an endless time of getting ready, I found myself walking down the brick sidewalk with Alex's fingers laced in mine, and the guys walking in front of us. Downtown was a great place to be, really. There's lots of things to do, see, and even eat. Ugh, eating. Just the mere word began to upset me. I did my best to ignore the hunger pains as Zack suggests that we go to a restaurant called Mexican Maya, which was obviously a Mexican restaurant.

I bit down hard on my lip as Alex led me in through the large, wooden doors, cringing when the smell of food hits my nostrils. We were seated at a large booth in the corner of the restaurant, Alex and Zack sitting on the ends, and Rian and I were in the middle.

"What're you gonna get?" Alex asks quietly, as the others are mulling over their menus. How was I supposed to tell him that I wasn't going to eat? Do I just blurt it out? Or do I lie and say I'm feeling sick? That doesn't make any sense though, why would I suggest going out if I didn't feel good? I decide to stick with the truth, y'know why? Because I care about Alex's feelings more than mine. He deserves to know the truth.

"I'm not eating, Lex." I respond in the same hushed tone. My eyes did a quick scan of the table, making sure none of the guys were listening in. Last thing I needed them to know is that I also have a food problem.

Alex eyes me skeptically, but behind the facade I can see the worry and concern in his eyes. I have to keep telling myself that it was a good idea to tell him the truth. "Why not?"

"See, I wasn't really prepared for a follow up question," I explain, doing my best to lighten the mood. Obviously it didn't work very well since Alex wouldn't let the matter drop.

"I don't care, Jack." He says quickly. "Why aren't you eating?"

I take a deep breath, questioning myself whether or not this was really worth sharing. Would it be just another problem? Another thing they had to worry about? I already knew that I was a burden, and I said fuck it and decided I might as well tell them. Shit, if something goes wrong, I can always take the easy way out. I'd just have to make sure that Alex chose the songs to play at my funeral. "I can't. I'm chubby, Alex. Look at me. I look like a fucking marshmallow."

"Oh God, Jack," Alex sighs, resting his head in his hands. Well, if I wasn't absolutely fucked before, now I was. The other two stare at Alex, then back at me. "Tell them what you just told me." Alex mutters from beside me.

"I can't do that!" I whisper harshly, attempting to push him out of the booth so I could scramble out of the restaurant. But he wouldn't budge.

"Fine. I will." Alex snaps, and I don't recall him ever being so harsh with me before. My love looked up at the others, as he sighs. "Did you know that he didn't eat? "

Rian's ears seem to perk up as his eyes made contact with my own. "Is this true?" He asks quietly, his gaze holding mine for at least ten seconds before I answered.

I nodded, biting my lip. "You guys said I was chubby and it really got to me." I say, fighting the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "I'm not anymore, am I?"

"Oh, Jack." Rian says sadly, his eyes falling down to my body, which had shifted away from Alex's in shame. "I'm so sorry. It's just, uh, you're so skinny now...it's unhealthy. I didn't mean to say that. I didn't know it'd effect you like that."

"Well obviously it did." Alex snaps, protectively snaking his arm around my waist and pulling me into him. Our sides were pressed as close as they could possibly get, not like I minded.

Everyone, let's just chill out for a sec." Zack says, moving his hands in a calming motion. "Let's just take a little time to-"

"Hi! Are you guys ready to order?" Our light brown haired waitress seemed to come out of nowhere, and by the looks of her name tag, her name was Lisa. That name reminded me of sunflowers for some reason, and I thought sunflowers were beautiful. Lisa was also very beautiful. Big blue eyes, long, wavy light brown hair, and a short and slim frame. She'd be cuter with Alex than I would, and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was most definitely interested in him.

"Yes, we are." Zack continues, his eyes darting quickly over the menu before setting it down, and telling Lisa what he wanted. After everyone had ordered, Lisa looked at me with those big, gorgeous blue eyes and asked what I wanted. I looked at her for a second, noticing the way her black dress pants perfectly hugged each of her lovely, long and skinny legs. I wanted legs like that. And I was going to get legs like that.

"Just a water is fine for me." I reply quietly, but loud enough for her to hear. I notice concern flash in her eyes before she nods, telling us that she'd be right back with our drinks, and she'd put our order in.

"You're eating half of my food." Alex states bluntly, not once easing his grip around my torso. I just sighed, resting my head on his shoulder, feeling the rising and falling of his chest as he took each breath. My eyes found Rian's, and he looked sad, guilty even. Which I didn't want. I didn't want anyone to feel any sort of remorse for me whatsoever. No one.

"Rian, I'm fine." I state certainly, forcing a smile just for good measure. Did I know whether or not I was fine? Of course not. Nobody does. But I didn't need my best friend to worry that my heart was shattered. He didn't need to know that I knew I didn't deserve to eat. And my best friend definitely didn't need to know the longing to commit suicide lingering in my chest and head.

He nods, taking a deep breath. See? I knew I had fucked up. I knew I should have gotten out when I could have. I was in too deep with these people and I was beginning to fear that they were stuck with me forever.

Alex looked down and pressed a kiss to my temple before mumbling, "We only want what's best for you."