Hospital for Souls

"Kellin, answer me," I hear him ask of me. I don't. I never do. I haven't spoken since it happened and I never will again. I've been here for a year and not once has Vic Fuentes - my therapist - gotten me to talk. "Kellin," he sighs. "I've asked you the same question for the past year - why did you try to commit suicide?"

No one knows. No one will ever know. It's eaiser that way. I learned that talking is bad and only leads to trouble. I don't even miss it. I like the silence, it's soothing. It's the only thing that calms me down, except for music. But that's when I want to be loud, but not use my voice. I close my eyes and smile at the thought.

"Kellin, please. I can't help those who don't want to be helped." Silence is his only answer.

I hear Mr. Fuentes sigh and I open my eyes. "You can go now, Kellin." I get up without acknowledging him and leave. This was basically routine. I get up in the morning, I eat breakfast, go to Mr. Fuentes for my sessions, leave with him not getting anywhere. Free time. Then I eat lunch, go to Mr. Fuentes again. After that, I have a while to myself before it's time for dinner and then bed. I usually go outside or shut myself in my room during that time.

They had classes here for the teenagers, but I was out of school, so I had all that time to myself. My roommate - Justin - was usually at his sessions when it was my free period. I liked him. He could talk for the both of us, he was funny, he made inappropriate jokes, and he didn't mind that I didn't talk. He was the only one that could get me to smile, even if they were small smiles.

He used to self-harm and was brought in by his parents. He's been in here for few months. He was against it at first, and he had a month before he turned eighteen, but he began to like it and decided to stay until he was better.

I agree with him - it is a nice place and they did really try to help, but no one could help me. Not after what I've been through.

It was my free period, so I decided to go outside. They had a beautiful garden and I just sat there basking in the sun. We were in Michigan so the sun didn't last much here, but when it did, I took full advantage of it.

I go to the front desk lady - Jenna, I think was her name - and hand her my name tag which she scans and sends me a smile. I liked Jenna, she was nice and she was pretty. But she had this thick Australian accent that was so hard to understand sometimes. She nods at me, and I walk out the glass door to the garden.

I breathe in the outside world and smile. At least for a while, I could pretend like I was free and not in the mental hospital. At least for a while, I could be me - the old me. The person who I was before it happened. I clench my eyes shut and will myself to forget. No, I will not remember.

I open my eyes slowly and sigh. I walk to my spot and sit. It was hidden behind bushes and it was surrounded by flowers. No one could see me from the windows unless they actually walked into the garden and looked for me. We were only allowed an hour outside before they came looking.

I lay down and let the sun hit me and light me up, relaxing to the birds singing. I close my eyes and placed my arms behind my head. The wind blows and I smile as I feel the coolness of it touch my skin. We had to where this stupid uniform that was teal both the pants and shirt. The shirt was only short-sleeved. They kinda looked like scrubs.

I smile at being alone. But I was running out of time. My hour was almost up and I didn't want them to find me, so I get up. Then I walk inside and back to my room waiting to be called for dinner.

I lie in my bed and I hear a knock on the door. Time for dinner. I get up and open the door to see Tony - a nurse here - there. "Kellin, time for dinner." I nod and walk out with him, closing the door behind me. We walk to the cafeteria where Justin takes his usual seat beside me. "Hey, Kellin."

I send him a smile and write on my notepad, greeting him. "How was your day?"

Fine, I write. Yours?

"Eh, it was okay. Could have been better."

Why do you say that?

"Because Jenna wouldn't kiss me." And I chuckle silently. Justin had this crush on Jenna, he was always pining over her and she never seemed interested. It was entertaining. "Don't laugh. I am getting nowhere with her."

Why don't you just accept the fact that she doesn't like you? I write, a teasing smile present on my face. He scoffs. "Do you not know me?"

I smile and shake my head before digging into the food they set in front of us. I don't have an eating disorder, so I could eat as much as I wanted. Neither did Justin, he may have self-harmed, but he has never purged or plans to.

When dinner is over, they walk us back to our rooms where we can finally sleep. "Good night," Justin says, and I hum softly letting him know I heard. And for a while, I lay in bed at night before sleep finally overcomes me.

I wake up to knocking and sit up. I walk to the door and open it to see Jesse - another nurse. "Time to wake up. Do you want me to wake Justin or you?"

I open the door wider for him, letting him know he can wake him up. Justin was a deep sleeper, I did not want to put up with him. He sighs, knowing the truth, but trudges in and walks to Justin's bed where he begins to shake him vigorously.

It took a while, but he finally got him up and I took that time to brush my teeth and change out of my clothes. I see a few of my scars from the accident, but they were fading. I shudder remembering what happened. I change quickly and walk back to Jesse. We wait for Justin, but we move to the cafeteria once he finishes getting ready.

We take our usual seats and see the therapists eating with us. They did this sometimes, I don't get why. They put up with us for an hour, why put up with us longer than necessary? I see Mr. Fuentes, Carlile, Mullins, and Sykes. I met them all when I first came here.

The thing with Mr. Fuentes is that he's been working here for three years and he's pretty good at his job, he's helped a lot of people except me. I like him, he's nice, and he was very patient, but he eventually gave up. I know he has a brother and he's dating some dude named Jaime. Or was it Jamie?

Mr. Carlile is great. He's funny, he's always smiling, laughing. He's just always happy. But there's some conspiracy with him. He's married - nothing wrong with that. The thing is who he's married to. His name is Alan Ashby - err Alan Carlile - and I had met him here. No one knows if they were seeing each other before Alan left or after. But Mr. Carlile was his therapist. Alan visits and they both look happy, so I don't care. And since the hospital couldn't prove they were dating while Alan was here, they couldn't fire Mr. Carlile. Plus, Mr. Carlile's a patient favorite.

There's not much to Mr. Mullins. He's married, he likes what he does, he's nice. He says hi when he sees me. His patients like him, he's a normal everyday guy.

I don't know much about Mr. Sykes. I just know he left his life behind back in England. No one knows why. But it's none of our business. He can do whatever he wants with his life - it's his.

I continue eating and when I'm done, I wait for Tony to walk me to my session room. Only this time, it's a different nurse - Lee, I think. I've never had this nurse. I've had all them - Jesse, Tony, Tino, Shayley, Nick, Gabe. Name them, I've had them all, but him.

"Hey," he says in a thick British accent. "Mr. Fuentes said he couldn't have you as his patient anymore, so they changed you to Mr. Sykes." And I nod. "Come on, then." He grabs my hand lightly and begins pulling me to a different room than I'm used to.

He opens the door and I walk in, taking a seat. "Mr. Syke's running a bit late," he says, once I noticed Mr. Sykes wasn't in the room. I nod and he leaves. I stay sitting, looking around. Then I hear the doorknob jingle. I turn to look and see Mr. Sykes walk in. I inspect him and see he had tattoos. No surprise this place was tattoo friendly. Mr. Carlile is practically covered in them. We make eye-contact and my insides turn. He had beautiful blue eyes. Or were they gray? He smiles at me before I turn my gaze away.

He takes a seat beside me and offers me his hand. I take it shyly and I feel sparks go up my arm. I pull back slowly. "Hi, Kellin. I'm your new therapist - Mr. Sykes, but you can call me Oli. From your file, I gathered that you don't talk and you're here because you tried to commit suicide. Is that true?" A British accent rings out and I nod at his question.

"Good. I'm not like other therapists - I believe in treating you like a regular person. I'm not going to force you to talk to me. I'll ask questions and if you want, you can answer them. Do you want pen and paper?" I nod. He smiles and hands them to me.

"We're going to try something new today - how does that make you feel?" I shrug. I don't mind change. He nods. "Okay. Kellin, the thing about us - as people - is that we are powerless - I am powerless - because we all walk alone on empty staircase, silent halls, and nameless faces. We are powerless.

And no one realizes. But some people hate it and they want to go where it won't or doesn't happen. Do you know where that is?" I shake my head.

"Heaven. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. And the thing is, even hell can get comfy once you're settled in. Everyone's scared. Except for you. You're not scared. Why?"

I can fear death no longer - I've died a thousand times. I write down before showing it to him.

"Exactly. And what I want is to figure out is why. You understand?" I nod.

"Good. I'm not really going to question you today. Just get to know each other." I nod, skeptically.

"Okay. I'll try avoid the personal stuff. Yeah?" I nod. "What's your favorite color?"

Green. Yours?

"Any. I don't like choosing. You ask me a question."

Do you like your job?

"I don't consider it a job because I do like it. I love meeting all the new people and even if they have some issues, I like getting to know them."

That's admirable. And he laughs as soon as he finishes reading it. "Thank you. Now, what do you enjoy doing?"

Here or in general?

"Both."

Here, I like the garden. In general, I used to like singing, now I like listening. I like to just lay in bed and listen to whatever. Whether it be talking or singing, I enjoy listening in.

"Hmmm. So, I could talk all the time and you wouldn't mind?"

Pretty much.

"Interesting. I'll use that. And as for the garden, maybe we'll have sessions there."

You can do that?

"Yeah, if it makes you comfortable, of course. Not everyone likes being trapped in an office. Now, it's your turn."

How old are you?

He chuckles, "27. Why?" One year older than me.

You sound much older than you are.

"Thank you. Now, can I ask one personal question since you almost have to leave?"

Depends.

"Ok. I was going to ask you does you not talking have anything to do with what caused you to try to commit suicide?" And I stay silent, tensing. In the year I've been here, he's the only one that put it together. I look at him and he was staring at me intently before he sighs.

"You can go now, Kellin. See you later." I get up and walk to door, placing my paper on it, writing something down. Once I'm done, I walk back to Oli and tap his shoulder. He turns to look at me, confusion evident on his face. He stands up taller and walks the two steps to me. I look up as he towered over me.

I hand him the paper. Then I walk out. On that paper, I had written one word to answer his question. I circled it and I gave it to him. The answer - Yes.

I look out a window in the hall and see it's cloudy. I walk to my room and grab a sweater they gave us before walking the front desk. I repeat yesterday's routine and she allows me to go outside. The wind was blowing roughly and shook my clothes. I clutch the sweater tighter to me and smile. Even if there was no sun to warm me up, I enjoyed being outside.

I go to my usual place and lay down in my usual position. The ground was a bit cold, but I ignored it and took a deep breath before relaxing. Then I feel something hit my face. I open my eyes and see the rain coming down. I feel my smile widen. I get up and I walk around feeling the rain beat down on me.

It started out as a drizzle but then it turned to forest gump big 'ole fat rain. I spread out my arms and look up, letting the rain hit my face and just drenching me. My black hair was stuck to my forehead and my clothes were glued to my skin.

The rain drops were trailing down my cheeks and I cherished the moment of true nature. Then I hear yelling, "Kellin, get back in the house!" And like that, my happiness was ruined. I recognized Jenna's accent and I walk inside.

In there, I feel someone wrap a towel around me and I tense up. "Come on, let's go get you dressed before lunch," I hear a familiar British accent tell me. He leads me to my room where he waits outside, allowing me to change alone. I do as told and walk out when finished.

He leads me to the cafeteria where I take my usual seat with Justin. Oli leaves to go sit with the other therapists. He waves at me before leaving.

~~~

"'Ello, Kellin, how are we on a scale of one to ten?" Oli asks once I sit down. He was leaning against his desk and I wrote down Ten.

"That's good. Any news you want to tell me?"

Nope. You?

"Yes, actually. We're going to try something new today. You know when you first became my patient two months ago?" I nod.

"Well, I remembered you said you loved the garden, so we're having a session there today."

Really? I smile excitedly. He chuckles at me. "Yes. Come now." He stands upright and holds out a hand to me. I stare at it in shock before grasping it gently. He helps me up, but he must not have known his strength because I landed against him and he steadies me, moving a hand to my waist.

I tense a bit at his touch that wasn't on my hand, but he didn't leave it there for long because the next thing I know, his hands are no longer on me and he's opening the door for us. He walks out first, leading us to the front desk. He tells Jenna our situation and we walk out.

•••

Oli

A smile appears on Kellin's face as soon as we step foot outside and I feel the edges of my lips turn upwards. You could practically see his body relax as soon as we stepped outside. Not that I was looking or anything. I just noticed as his doctor.

"Where do you want sit," I ask him, and he thinks a out it before smiling. He holds a finger to his pretty, pink lips and grabs my hand. I feel sparks shoot up my arm at where he touched. His hands were really soft and small.

He leads me to a place that was hidden by bushes and away from the site of the front desk. He leans against a tree, smiling to himself before looking at me. And I had to smile. "You really like this place, don't you?" He nods. "Why?" I hand him his pencil and paper.

I like nature. I like being outside. It's relaxing. I nod in understanding. "Alright. Now it's time for the unfun part?" He nods sadly. I felt my twinge at seeing him upset. I almost apologized but I had to keep this professional. "Okay..." then I begin to ask him questions that he answered while some he didn't.

From time to time, he would change his position. For a while, he was leaning against the tree, then sitting. Now he was laying on his stomach. The sun shone down on him lighting him up. You could see brown in his black hair. His pale skin looked like diamonds. He was beautiful.

Oli, no. Don't end up like Austin. Yes, Austin did have a relationship with Alan while Alan was a patient. I mean, they never did have sex until their marriage, but their relationship was still illegal. Now it isn't, but it was. He just got lucky they didn't have proof. Austin is my best friend, but what he did was stupid, though now he is the happiest I've seen him. It's not all bad.

Eventually, my session with Kellin ended and as I got up to leave, I see he fell asleep while I was lost in thought. He looked so peaceful. He was still on hie stomach, but his arms were beside his face and his cheek pressed against the grass. His pink lips parted a bit.

I roll him over gently before picking him up and walking to the doors, waiting for Jenna to let me in. She does and I tell her to pick up my stuff. Which she does. I tell her to take them to my office.

I walk to Kellin's room and ask one of the nurses to open it. They do and I set him down on his bed gently. His black hair sprawled out, surrounding his face. One arm was beside his head, the other by his side. I pull the covers over him. Then I walk to the door, but I as turn my head to look back once, I see him move around a bit before he begins to clutch his pillow tightly. I internally awed.

•••

Kellin

I wake up confused. I could have swore I fell asleep in the garden. Then I realized Oli must have carried me here. Then I blush realizing he did. My crush was slightly growing. Slightly!

I get up from the bed and stretch with a small whine. Checking the time, I see it's almost time for dinner. I walk out and head towards the cafeteria where some people already are. I get in line, point to what I want, then walk to my usual table where I will wait for Justin.

When Justin arrives

~~~

I was walking home from the store. The bag of snacks in my right hand. I had walked because my car was almost out of gas and the gas station was just down the road. I had run out of snacks and I didn't want to cook, so I decided to buy some chips.

The night was dark, but it never scared me. I always thought there was something magical about it. The light poles illuminating my walk, but one of them would flicker on and off. The moon was full and some clouds were surrounding it, it looked eery. A few stars, but not many. The wind blew, shaking the trees.

I hum a random tune. I had a few more minutes before I reached my apartment. As I almost turned the corner to my building, someone yanks me into an alley. They placed a hand over my mouth, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream.

It didn't stop me though, I screamed against his hand. "Shut up," he hissed, "Or it'll go worse for you."

I start thrashing and bit his hand. When it came off, I let out a blood curdling scream. He punched and covered my mouth. "Shut up." I hear a belt coming undone and -

I sit up. No, no, no. Forget, Kellin. Forget. I feel the tears building up. After a year of not having nightmares, they come back. I hear a knock on the door and shakily get up, willing the tears to stay away. I open it up and see... Oli?

He must have sensed my confusion because he spoke, "We're going to have a session earlier today because my boss said I need to spend more time with you. And - wait - what's wrong?" I bite my lip, feeling a sob clawing up my throat. I shake my head.

He reaches a hand out and step back before it could touch me. He frowns, "Go get ready, I'll wait." I nod and close the door gently before letting a lone tear fall. I wipe it away and change quickly. Then I open the door and we walk to his office.

He holds the door open for me and I walk in, taking my usual seat. "Kellin, how are we on a scale of one to ten?" He asks me the question he has for the past six months. I write down a one on the paper he hands me after asking his question.

"Do you want to talk about it?" There it was - the golden question. Did I want to talk about it? Truth is, I've wanted to get it off my chest since it happened, but I'm so scared. Talking would be my demise. I shake my head.

"Are you sure? I know you don't talk, but it could really help you overcome what you went through. We all have our horrors and demons to fight." I bit my lip, I want to, I really, really want to. But... how can I win when I'm paralyzed? I look at him and see him giving me an encouraging smile and I have to admit, my crush for Oli has grown.

I open my mouth, but then I close it. I hear shuffling and when I open my eyes, he's on his knees in front of me. He offers his hand and I place mine in it. "You can do it. I know you trust me, so just watch me." I nod and look into his eyes.

Here we go. I was about to do it. Speak again after a year of silence. Speak of what hurt me enough to make me go silent. I feel the tears build up. "I - " my voice sounded scratchy, but Oli smiled. "Keep going."

"I - I was r-raped," I whisper the last word and I feel his hand clench mine. The tears fall and I close my eyes. "Kellin, could you tell me what you see?" I shake my head. But that night starts flashing behind my eyelids. I speak, "The moon I looked up to as it happened, the tears that fell on the ground, his pants and mine on the floor. I remember him telling me to shut up everytime I whimpered and cried. How it hurt, how he made me bleed. How he took my innocence."

I gasp and open my eyes and begin sobbing into my hands. I can't do this. I feel the same way I felt a year and six months ago. The pain, the disgust, the hatred, the shame, and the wish to escape it all. "Ke-Kellin," I hear a voice crack.

I look up slowly. I see him through my tears and he pulls me into a hug. One hand was behind my head and the other around my back. The force made me get on my knees as well and I cried into his shoulder. "O-Oli?"

"Yeah?"

"Hold me close, don't let go."

"I won't." It was silent except for the occasional sob. My body was shaking and I clenched Oli's shirt in my hand. "I was so powerless."

"What," he asks.

"It was my fault, I should have been stronger."

"What?" He pulls my head up. "No, Kellin. It's not your fault. It will never be your fault. It's the bloody sick fuck's that did it to you. Don't you ever blame yourself again. You talked, Kellin, I'm so proud of you."

I pull back and stand. "I - thank you. I never told anyone why I tried to commit suicide."

"Well, then, I'm honored. But can I get the whole story?"

"There's not much to it - I was raped, I lasted a week with the pain before I couldn't deal with it anymore. I decided to jump off a bridge, someone saw, called the ambulance and here I am."

"You never pressed charges?"

"... No, I didn't want to know the face of the man who did that to me. It-It would have been too much to put a face on a monster." I look away, a light blush coming onto my cheeks.

I feel a hand under my chin and Oli turns my head lightly to look at him. He moves the hand to cup my cheek. His eyes held an emotion I'd never seen before, but he looked down at me with his eyes clouded in it. I feel my eyes move, looking at every inch of his face. Then he leans down.

His lips lightly touch mine and I feel my eyes close. I wrap my arms around his neck and he brings both hands to cup my face, deepening the kiss. I clutch his shirt a bit, probably wrinkling it, but I didn't care. "Kellin, I love you," he says when he pulls back. "I know I've only known you six months, but I really do love you."

"Oli, I-I don't know what to say. I just - I'm broken! How can you love someone so broken?"

"Because, Kellin, that doesn't matter. Yeah, it's true that what doesn't destroy you, leaves you broken instead, but you can heal. You are still a great person, just a bad past. And that's not your fault. I still love you." I feel tears build up in my eyes.

He gets up, upset. I realize he thinks I'm rejecting him. I get up hurriedly. I place my hand on his shoulder and turn him around, connecting our lips once again. I wrap my arms around his neck and he brings his hands to my legs and hoists me up. I wrap my legs around his waist. "I love you, I love you, I love you," I mumble against his lips before going back to kissing him.

That was start of a beautiful relationship. I finally started speaking and I made progress. The best part was Oli was there every step of the way. He even told me why I stopped talking - subconsciously, my brain heeded what my rapist said, he kept telling me to shut up, and without realizing it, I obeyed. Oli helped me overcome it.

I remember the first time Oli asked me to really explain in detail what happened. Though I cried a lot, when I finished, he held me close. "I'm so proud of you, Kellin," he said before pecking my lips. He helped me.

I was getting released today. Oli deemed me fit to rejoin society and I was excited. My parents were suppose to pick me up and help me move my things to Oli's apartment. Yes, he asked me if I would move in with him. I said yes. I was 26, I could.

I hug Oli goodbye, though we both knew it was only for a little while. I tell everyone bye. I even hugged Vic. "I'm sorry you couldn't help me," I tell him.

He just smiled. "Don't be. I'm just glad someone could. It wasn't me, but that's okay. I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you." Then we hear a beep from outside. "That's me," I tell him.

"Bye, Kellin," he says, pulling away. "Use that beautiful voice of yours, okay?"

"Okay." Then I walk out of the building. Then I remembered. I ran out of the car, my parents calling me back, but I kept running. All the therapists chased after me, but I kept running. I check the time. It was his break time.

I hear everyone call my name, but I kept running, heading to where I knew he would be. I couldn't leave without telling him goodbye. Even though Oli helped me, he was there for me too. I finally reach the place I was looking for. I look behind me and see that I had lost them.

I breathe in the fresh air. I look for him until I see him laying down in my place and I smile. I had never once showed it to him, but he chose it as well. It was just a relaxing place. We had so much in common. "Justin?"

His eyes shoot open. "Kellin, I thought you were leaving today."

"I am, but I couldn't leave without telling you goodbye."

"But you did."

"A proper goodbye, Justin." His eyes fill with tears and he hugs me. I feel my eyes build up as well. "I'm going to miss you so much, Kellin."

"I know. I'm going to miss you as well. I'm so glad I met you. You were my best friend albeit you were gross when it came to jokes, but you made me smile. You were my friend even though I didn't talk. Thank you."

"You not talking never matter. You talk now. You were my best friend too. You listened to me."

"I'll try to visit, but in the meantime, I'll give you my number," I tell him and pull out a pen he had given me for one of our Christmas's here. I write down on his arm. "Justin?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you walk me to the front doors?"

"Of course." He grabs my hand and we both walk back inside all the way to the front of the building. I see everyone had come back here and when they see who I was with, a look of realization crosses their face. I don't say anything as Justin walks me to the doors. I hug him one last time before I walk out and again to my car.

My parents don't say anything as they drive me to the storage unit where they had sent my stuff. It was all in boxes, so the most we had to do was place them in the car and drop them off at Oli's. He had given me a key so I placed all the boxes in the living room. I didn't tell my parents who's apartment this was. Plus, they never asked.

"Kellin," I hear my mom's voice. "Is it true?" I knew what she was talking about.

"Yeah," I speak and she bursts out crying. She hugs me before pulling back. "I'm so glad, baby." I nod at her, smiling. I still hadn't told her why, and I didn't plan to. My parents leave and I begin pulling out my stuff. I look at all my clothes. How I had missed them.

The amount of time it took me to unpack is the same amount of time it took Oli to get home. When I had seen him, I run to him. He catches me. "I love you."

"I love you, Oli." That night was best I had ever slept. I didn't know if I would ever have sex, but I knew that it didn't bother Oli because he loved me.

He saved me. He got me to speak. He healed me.