Status: If you are the one I'm talking about and reading this, then I'm sure you know what to do
Raya, Combined With Confusion
Deceived by Emotions
I've tried my best to let go of my past but it kept haunting me all the way to the present day and my future ambitions and plans.
I never wanted anything to come to this end, I never wanted to be in a relationship even and I always just wanted to be happy with my life the way I'm living it and want it to become. I used to work for my own self-improvement and personal development, I used to be self-centered and only cared about my own desires and future plans.
I used to dream of a world where I wont be judged for my actions and where I could live for the day and not care about what people would think of me. I knew that most people hated me, despised my life-style and the way I treat other people. Even my brother, he used to tell me that "girls aren't just pawns in your selfish little game!" in a shouting tone as though he was the one affected by my actions.
I cared a lot about ME, the person I am always used to live its life to the fullest, never regretting anything and never questioning whose feelings will be hurt.
But nothing lasts forever, you're not the same as you were a day ago, better yet a year.
I never open up to people that easily, I kinda dwell in a slumber of self-fulfillment even if I didn't do anything recently.
I don't even know if I should say this right here, but when I drink, I become a totally different person.
My powers of thinking enhance and I shut up and only answer with short answers, I start analyzing everything around me and actually enjoy finding flaws in people.
But every promise and every rule can be broken easily.
When I sit in front of her, I could never find a flaw, I could never shut up, I could never dwell in my cocoon and wait for her to speak, I can just analyze her, plant her picture inside my head as though I have never met her before, rearrange the wide range of things I love about her into one solid picture.
The way she laughs, talks, gestures with her hands, the way her lower lip moves to the side when she says something as a confirmation, the way she squinches her eyes when she's threatening or when she's preparing to tempt me, the way she stretches herself knowing that it turns me on, the way she tells me not to do something "stupid" but she does it herself anyway.
I can never find a reason to hate her, even though she always tells me how much she's still in love with that person.
I know I'm hurting and I know that I will be in pain all the time when we're together, but knowing that I might be able to make her happy, knowing that she "likes" being with me, that I make her feel safe, that I'm there to help her up, that we can talk about anything she wants to talk about, that when she's upset she could talk to me, that she can count on me.
This should count for something, I might not need "love" from anyone since I already wasted my love on another girl ages before I knew her, but I know mine can still replenish, can still be born again.
If it didn't, how the hell am I feeling this way for her? How am I even feeling blessed for every minute I spend with her although I know that she's unattainable and I can never get her the way I want to? How am I even supposed to let her go when she was the only thing that brought me back the feelings I never knew I had in me? How can I hate her, when I know she's too pure and too flawless?
I'm probably running on empty hopes and dreams and wasting my time to get something I'm never going to get since someone else has absorbed it all. But I know right well that this is not going to end badly.
I love her and I know she doesn't
But hope is keeping me going
and I know that it's getting me somewhere.
I never wanted anything to come to this end, I never wanted to be in a relationship even and I always just wanted to be happy with my life the way I'm living it and want it to become. I used to work for my own self-improvement and personal development, I used to be self-centered and only cared about my own desires and future plans.
I used to dream of a world where I wont be judged for my actions and where I could live for the day and not care about what people would think of me. I knew that most people hated me, despised my life-style and the way I treat other people. Even my brother, he used to tell me that "girls aren't just pawns in your selfish little game!" in a shouting tone as though he was the one affected by my actions.
I cared a lot about ME, the person I am always used to live its life to the fullest, never regretting anything and never questioning whose feelings will be hurt.
But nothing lasts forever, you're not the same as you were a day ago, better yet a year.
I never open up to people that easily, I kinda dwell in a slumber of self-fulfillment even if I didn't do anything recently.
I don't even know if I should say this right here, but when I drink, I become a totally different person.
My powers of thinking enhance and I shut up and only answer with short answers, I start analyzing everything around me and actually enjoy finding flaws in people.
But every promise and every rule can be broken easily.
When I sit in front of her, I could never find a flaw, I could never shut up, I could never dwell in my cocoon and wait for her to speak, I can just analyze her, plant her picture inside my head as though I have never met her before, rearrange the wide range of things I love about her into one solid picture.
The way she laughs, talks, gestures with her hands, the way her lower lip moves to the side when she says something as a confirmation, the way she squinches her eyes when she's threatening or when she's preparing to tempt me, the way she stretches herself knowing that it turns me on, the way she tells me not to do something "stupid" but she does it herself anyway.
I can never find a reason to hate her, even though she always tells me how much she's still in love with that person.
I know I'm hurting and I know that I will be in pain all the time when we're together, but knowing that I might be able to make her happy, knowing that she "likes" being with me, that I make her feel safe, that I'm there to help her up, that we can talk about anything she wants to talk about, that when she's upset she could talk to me, that she can count on me.
This should count for something, I might not need "love" from anyone since I already wasted my love on another girl ages before I knew her, but I know mine can still replenish, can still be born again.
If it didn't, how the hell am I feeling this way for her? How am I even feeling blessed for every minute I spend with her although I know that she's unattainable and I can never get her the way I want to? How am I even supposed to let her go when she was the only thing that brought me back the feelings I never knew I had in me? How can I hate her, when I know she's too pure and too flawless?
I'm probably running on empty hopes and dreams and wasting my time to get something I'm never going to get since someone else has absorbed it all. But I know right well that this is not going to end badly.
I love her and I know she doesn't
But hope is keeping me going
and I know that it's getting me somewhere.