Raya, Combined With Confusion

It's the 16th of May, 2015, 1:33 AM and I'm wide awake, not able to sleep at all and I don't think I'm going to. I planned a travel tomorrow morning to Raya's city, things has gone really bad lately, and I don't even know if it's my fault or not.
Some say that when you make a mistake, say "sorry" and you'll be forgiven, but then again, sometimes some mistakes can't be forgiven for how much pain they'd cause.
This is how it goes;

A month or so ago, I was talking to Raya and she was really messed up, she was crying and talking about her ex, she said she needed him, she's always been talking about him ever since I've known her, saying how much he loved her, how much he's done and how much he'd sacrificed for her, they broke so many rules and so many traditions and he'd be killed if his parents knew what they'd done together against everyone's will.
She's always talking about him and how she loves him and how she'd do anything just to spend one last day with him before she moves away, as a way of saying goodbye. She says she can never love anyone after him, anyone who'd love her would be hurt, anything that happens would just leave a scar, she'd always picture her ex in this guy's place, doing all they're doing together.
Sometimes, having a memory of someone is good, and sometimes it really hurts; but as for Raya, she knows the pain her memories with him would cause, but she likes it.
She likes that she can still feel pain, she likes that she can still feel "something" from someone; someone who'd left her to suffer, drained all her love and threw it across the wall. A jerk who only did what he did to prove that he can get way too far beyond the law of nature, doing something wrong with someone might be a good way of showing them that "I would go too far for your sake".
I probably should have done the same.
I probably should have showed her that I'm not allowed to be here, but I am. I'm not allowed to see you, but here we are. I'm not allowed to love you, but there you go.
Going against the law of nature is probably what makes her fall for you.
I could see how unhappy she is without him, how she cries, how she clings to memories while he's there in the same city as hers, how she thinks about him wherever we go.
I decided to talk to him...

I told him to go see her, talk to her, see how she's doing and try to get back with him.
I know that this is such a shitty thing to do, I know that everything will go bad when she knows, I know that she's never going to talk to me for doing this to her, but I couldn't STAND it, she probably even says his name when she's asleep, what more could I do? I did everything I could to make her forget him, to make her not think about him, not hold on too tight to his memories...
She found out, we had a huge fight, after an hour I called her and she said she wanted me to come over, she was crying while she was next to him, together in his car. He was laughing on the other end, imitating her voice and mocking her, he's such a fucking prick and I couldn't help but scream.
Next morning, I travelled there, along the way she called me and said "I hate you, I don't ever want to see you again. I hate both of you, I don't want anyone of you in my life anymore, you're the worst"

I arrived, I called, no one answered, I texted, no one replied.
Next day I did the same thing, she didn't pick up, nothing would work for me.. I went to her house and texted her that I'm in front of your house, then called her, she picked up after seeing me..
She went out and froze for a second.
-"Goodnight" I said.
And we hung up after a fight again.
Next day I called her and she said she doesn't want to see me, why would I come over if she didn't plan on it, why would I do anything without telling her? I said I'm coming to workplace, she said okay and we hung up.
I bought a kitchen knife and went there, texted her to go out and NEVER approach me, just look at me when I'm talking.
Then called her when she was on the way out, she picked up, I said "do you know how hard it is to get a dagger or some sort of sharp weapon in a city like yours?
She looked at me with wide open eyes, I hung up and looked at her while pulling the knife out of my sleeve, then cut my arm vertically in front of her and everyone around on the street, she went inside scared and her work-manager was on his way to call the police, but I was already gone.

I called her and said "I want to see you today" she replied "NO!!!" I hung up.
I called again and said the same thing, she was crying and she said no again.
At night, we saw each other although it was well against her will, but we did.
She was calm, she said that I don't have to hurt myself for anyone's sake, not anyone at all. I said I know and that she doesn't have to treat me like shit if she really cared whether or not I hurt myself.
She didn't comment on it.

So ever since that day, we never talked, never texted and never even chatted on Facebook.
I had to fuck my emotions and feelings for a while, calm myself by doing some stupid things around until I just couldn't bear it anymore, I had to talk to her, I can't, I just can't.
I didn't call, I knew she wont answer, I started sending messages on Facebook, which she sees but never replies to. I knew I was being ignored.
I called, she hung up, I texted, she didn't reply.
I did all I can just to talk to her, but she refused.
3 days ago, she said "what?" I said that I want to talk to her, she said that she's with someone else now.
I was really pissed off!
I did all I could so that she could "love" again, so that she could have feelings again, so that she could be with someone, a person, not a memory. And I wanted it to be me.
So when she hated her ex, never wanted him in her life and just moved on, she fell in love with someone else??? I couldn't stand it.
She stopped replying to me, she stopped talking to me and she just said that she doesn't want me in her life anymore.
That hurts like a fucking bitch.
I told her than my mom would like to meet her, she snapped "what the fuck, are you out of your mind?" she refused with such a tone, and I said it's the only favor I've ever asked you, she said "I'll think about it" and then never replied to anything I ever sent.

Today, she didn't hang up her phone, she gave it to one of her female-friends to answer...
She used to do that with me, when we're together she'd give me her phone to answer people she hates, people who nag her all the time, people who she doesn't want to talk to anymore.
So tomorrow I'm travelling there, I'm getting back what I lost.
I lost her trust? I'm getting it back, I lost her to someone else? I'll fuck him up. She's avoiding me because of what I did? I apologized enough times for her to think I'll DIE if I didn't get her back.

I'm getting her back, I walked the road and I'm not giving up now, it's too late to give up, it's way too late.
She'd throw everything away, but I'm not doing that.
If I didn't get her back the way we were, it's fine, I can get her back the way we first got to know each other.
I don't mind, I'm just not letting her go.
I know right well that when I arrive tomorrow she'll tell me to piss off, but I'm sure I'll make everything clear.
I don't know whose lost it is, but I'm working hard so that it's not gonna be mine.