Raya, Combined With Confusion

There's a huge difference between being able to figure out your feelings and separate the ones you want from the ones you'd just want to diminish, and getting lost and not knowing your feelings toward something, whether it be a good thing or a bad thing.

Sometimes, I wonder why the human's mentality makes us lose track of what makes us happy, and work hard on achieving what we might not even need in the future. What if our craziness was a choice, not a nature? what if we chose to be abandoned by everyone and worked our best to disregard everything around us?
Sometimes I hate that I know a lot of stuff about the human being, and their ways of ruining themselves for the most trivial matters.
I hate that I'm the one people can rely on but can never picture themselves with in the future.
I think they'd be really smart not to want to be with me, I mean, I might not care about other people's emotions, I was called self-less and carefree, the guy with the biggest heart and dirtiest mind, the guy who treats everyone nicely and asks nothing in return and the one who everyone should have in their lives, but still no one really tries because they consider me a friend, and friends are all over the place anyway.

I'm riding the bus, going to my city after a two-day visit to Raya's city.
The first time we saw each other in a whole month was the most awkward one ever, I don't know why but unlike other times, she didn't hug me, I felt like I forced myself on her, hugged her and kissed her cheek against her will.
The night progressed really good though, she changed her number and she's not getting nagged and irritated by anyone anymore, except for people she gives her number to.
We spent the night together that day, bought some drinks and started talking about her whole month, which we didn't see each other in given the argument we had.
Then again, all she said was that she got in arguments with other people because of me, because of how much everyone could see I loved her, her mom, her sister, her ex and his new girlfriend, it seemed to me like I was a big talking-matter to all people who know us and know what we'd done together, no matter how stupid the shit we'd done were.

I forced her to pass the guy who's currently crushing on her, I didn't like him very much because she hangs out a lot with him and they both spend time together, time which I couldn't have with her, and I'm sure as hell that if we spent more time together, everything would work out to both of us. But it's just life, nothing really works the way we want it to.
I wanted to dance with her on the bridge and beach she used to go to with her ex, something to make her feel happy, erasing memories that she wouldn't want to remember, something to make her smile when she passes this bridge; but we didn't, we only spent time talking on the beach-side, listening to music and laughing together.
She'd repeated a thing she told me once, "you're a warm person". I loved it when she said it, it always makes my heart skip a beat, she also said "I'd love to love you" which gave me the idea that she had missed me a lot, although she was the one who asked me to go and leave her life forever, I asked her "did you really want me to let you go?" she said "no, I love it when a guy holds on to me, but it just doesn't have to be too tight that he'd strangle me, I hate that"
I laughed and knew what I had to do next, we hugged and it was the first time I'd seen Raya cry on my shoulder, my heart was beating so hard and I cried as well and said "I'd never leave you".

Next day, we came back home together, she had a shower and we watched a movie which I assumed she'd cry over, and I knew it would happen, she got depressed after it and I wanted to say goodbye, she was going to go to sleep, I kissed her cheek, she stood herself up and said that it's not going to happen today, not right now, it's 1 o'clock after midnight.
I just laughed, because if she didn't want it to happen she wouldn't have readied herself.
I kissed her hand, then wrote something on her notebook, and kissed her cheek again and said "I love you Raya, goodnight."
I was wearing my shoes, and unlike the old Raya, she came out of her room to wave goodbye to me, she'd never done that before, I laughed the whole way back to the hotel because I knew she's feeling something for me; whatever it is, it really is cute and I'll try to keep it this way until it develops, which I'm sure it will.
This is the epitome of my confusion with Raya, is she ever going to love me the way I love her or not?

I had to leave though, this was the two cutest days of my month with Raya.
We agreed I'll come see her after two more weeks, hopefully she'll meet me again in a better welcoming than the last one.