Raya, Combined With Confusion

Why doesn't everything go on the way it should be?
Why when things are actually starting to look up, something out of no-where comes and ruins all?
Why is it that whenever my hope-rate goes up, the world just turns its back on me again, and breaks my legs?
Why would I even accept everything that's been happening all for nothing? What am I getting out of my torture but more and more torture and for what reason?
Is there a scale for self-humiliation and self-denial that people actually come back to just to read and assume their rate?
Is there some kind of remedy for a broken heart that always gets broken and still beats all the same? How much can a person endeavor and bear? How much can someone, whoever that might be, break and get fixed again, and again and again?
Why wouldn't there be a deadline? one which would just make you stop for a minute and assess the progress you've done and how much you've achieved? I'm sure as hell I haven't achieved anything I wanted to, everything goes backwards, every attempt I make is bound to be forgotten.
Every bang I bang my head against the wall has the same tone unless I increase the force until at some point, it crashes my skull.
Why wouldn't movies actually be real? Am I even looking for a movie ending? Am I looking for a fairy tale which I already know would never happen in this life time? Am I looking for redemption of my past sins? And even if I were, does redemption really cost this much pain?
Why is it that when I'm doing something out of good-will and actual care, it's misread and misinterpreted into an undercover intention, but when someone else does it, it means they really do care?
Why did we have so much fights over the things I do unauthorized, but when someone else does it, it make her heart skip a beat?
The same things are happening in exactly the same order, but at a different pace and it makes her happy..
Yet it makes me wonder...
Why am I still holding on?
Why am I still wallowing in my agony and still considering sticking around?
Why does she even call me to tell me how happy she is with what he's doing, although she knows I've done the exact same things and they only led to a big disaster and fight?
Why do I still have hope with a hopeless situation like this?
Why do I still love her, when she's in love with someone else and would never think about me or talk to me the way she talks to him and would never even spend time with me when I'm actually trying my best?
Why is it that every time I'm pissed off, I type another chapter about her?
Why do I even care when she doesn't?
If the answer is love..
Why would I love someone who'd never think anything of me more than a friend?
Why do I want to kill myself for someone who wouldn't even cry at my funeral?
Why do I even still want to travel to her city tomorrow, when I know she will be thinking about him all the time?
Why... am I not able to breathe right now...